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My story

Here I am again.  I'm having writer's block yet again just when I want to put down what I have been struggling with for years now.  It happened so often many times before.  I can't seem to choose the right words nor find the right, most coherent way to put down all my thoughts on the subject and memories from the distant past.  I struggle with feelings which still make me feel guilty.  As an adult I'm attracted to women and as a child I was abused by a woman.  Where to start?  It wasn't my fault; the whole incident caused me to outgrow my years and it caused havic to not only my puberty but my whole teenage life there afterwards.  I locked the door behind me and became an ugly duckling.  Many of my female friends who are married and have children of their own just can't believe my story.  Or they chose not to believe it.  Me in a photograph before and afterwards, however, would show them that something really did happen during that period of my development.  From birth I had been an highly active, beautiful blond child, but after the event I had constant weight problems and I turned into a completely introverted, downcast youth.  It took me years to get myself out of the depressions and low points which would affect my early life no end.  What happened?  Well, it all started rather harmless with me liking nylon stockings, or rather legs encased in them.  Early on during my childhood whenever my mom would come home I'd hug and kiss her legs.  It was natural to me.  The sight of her boots and nylon cladded legs arriving back into our home was always great joy for me.  I loved my mom, and I still do.  After a while the emotional joy of the return of my mom near me transferred into a sensual enjoyment of the touch of nylon against my lips.  I remember liking the feel of nylon against human skin and the electricity from the nylon stockings so very much.  There, that was the innonence of a child.  Indeed, nothing sexual was going on.  Well, not until my mom's eldest sister came over for coffee one day.  I still remember clearly playing underneath the table and wanting to kiss her legs.  I did, and funny enough my aunt there after came to visit us more and more often.  She actually let me go in between her legs.  The flesh behind the nylon was smoother there and I kissed her there too.  One day, I remember it clearly, my mom was showing my aunt a whole lot of old family photograghs and she had to go upstairs for others.  My aunt used that time to open up her legs and to guide my head up her legs.  She wasn't wearing panties this time.  Myself, I was too interested in the texture of nylon to notice anything else than her stockings.  However, my aunt clearly wanted something else.  I didn't oblige her, and before she could guide my head up her leg again my mom was back downstairs and the discussion between sisters carried on as if nothing happened.  See there, that's the wrong growups can do to impressible children.  It still angers me that my aunt actually did what she did.  I can forgive her but I can't forget it.  She did wrong then.  Luckily for me, that whole twisted situation with me and my aunt was stopped in its tracks shortly afterwards when another aunt came to visit.  She didn't like it at all that a child my age, any age, was kissing an adult's nylon encased legs underneath the table, or any where else.  She said to me that I should't be doing that and it was naughty, but by then the damage had already been done.  Well, that's how I know that it is so very wrong when adults interfere with children in that way, in any way possible that could harm them.  Nevertheless, I've grown to accept what did happen to me then and what I should aim for myself personally.  I'm a better person today.  This was my story.

ValR ValR 41-45, F Aug 2, 2009

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