Who Am I!

I do not take transgender tests any longer to find out whether I am or not transgender, or even what a phase of feminine I am.

I have taken the Cogaiti (Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory) on several occassions over the years and since the first time over 15 years ago. I have always, since the first time, scored in the 550-650 range.  This range equates to a 'Class 5' or Classic Transexual.  Oh, I know it is unscientific and not widely accepted however it showed something to me. Reinforced something I already knew. I still need to see a therapist or counselor and work throught my journey properly.

One question on this test always struck me to my core when I read it. To my surprise one it struck me so deeply that a feeling of fright and horror overwhelmed and honestly that never happened before. The question simply stated that .. 'a medical professional advises you of a new cure to the gender disphoria and that by taking a pill all the feminine aspects of your condition shall perish and 'cure' you.

Just the thought of such suggestion sent horror and shiver over my entire body and mind. I realized, this was a first time in my life I have reacted this way to a suggestion of 'amputating' a Girl/woman out of me. I felt literally as though a threat has been made against my life. Not just some philosophical suggestion for thought or discussion.

I have arrived at the place where I KNOW who I am and that girl in dreams is one and the same as mirror image of my soul. Known this since my 'Ah Ha Moment', my ephiphany almost 20 years ago. I've long realizing how amazing it is to just be myself, to let her reign. If I took that pill, I am sure, I would not be able to be myself because I would no longer be a woman.

Since then I have slowly come to terms with inner me and have let all the walls that protected my self image I tried to present crumbled before me I started becoming her, more and more each and every day. I don't know if by finally allowing her to take the control that it has created deeper feminine self awareness but I do know I am becoming one with image I considered myself.

As a youth and teen I always believed it was a blessing. Then at one point in my life, the denial years, I always thought of it as a curse and fought against it. However now, since my 'Ah Ha Moment', I am becoming a believer that it truly is a blessing. It is a gift that I can now understand and find true happines with and even some peace. I have always embraced my femininity not turning away from it (except the short denial years).

I don't have ALL the answers but I have enough to bee comfortable with myself and my life (as it is). My questionnaire or test question now is: Are you a woman? Y or N

The answer is without hesitation: Y!

I would rather have been born a girl and to have lived as a girl all of my life, but that was not my lot in life. I feel blessed to be right where I am today. I will continue my journey as far as it can take me.

"I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it." — Marilyn Monroe
Josie06 Josie06
56-60, F
2 Responses Sep 27, 2010

I had trouble with this question also. Yes it would make life a lot easier being the gender I was born but it really isn’t me. I would much rather choose the cure that would make my body align with the person I am in soul. Give up my femininity? I don’t think so. Change into a woman? Without a doubt yes!

In sisterhood,
Velvet Kay

...honey it has to be one of the most baffling and cruelest jokes nature can play on a person to stick their psyche in the wrong body .. or however not have the two match .. medical science has some what grudgingly developed some of the partial physical solutions to allow one to more or less give birth to them self ... and create a reasonable fascimile and society is slowly coming around to accepting things not from the conventional realm .. still it is a painful journey .. that finds one fighting for acceptance in and of them self and others in their world...<br />
Rather than a pill it would be nice if magic did exist and a wave of the magic wand could restore someone to whom they wish to be ... but alas those are the things of the fairy tales<br />
told to us as little girls.<br />
Always be proud of who and what you are ... you will never have the luxury of taking it for granted .... because you had to fight to become the woman you are and will be ... and just maybe that will be something special for you to hold onto.<br />
<br />
my very best wishes for a safe and happy journey home... may God bless and protect you.