Trying To Find Meaning In All Of This

I've wanted to be a woman for as long as I can remember (I'm now 54). As young as 5 I can remember trying on my mum's stockings. I remember at about 11 I used to stay with an aunt and when she wasn't in I hit her wardrobe. Corselette with suspenders, stockings and a dress. She was small so everything fitted. I believed I was the only boy in the world who did this sort of stuff.

In to my teenage years and I liked girls. I got married at 19 and confessed not long after to being a transvestite. It didn't really occur to me that in fact I was a woman and the reaso I wanted to wear womens clothes was the same reason that ordinary women wear clothes. I had three children, all girls and still I would dress up. I thought that one day it would just stop. It didn't. It became more intense and it's probabaly only een in te last 8-10 years that I realized I am a transexual. I've told my wife. She accepts it but is not really happy with it. I understand this.

I've been shy and suffer from poor self-esteem all my life. I wondered if dressing up was just trying to get a new persona. Girls always seemed confident to me. When I dress up or adopt my female persona, I feel more self-assured, more certain of myself. Over the last 5-6 years though I realized that in this persona I am attraced to men. In fact I fantsize only about men now; only straight men. I don't understand gay men. Lesbians annoy me as they have all the right equipment and waste it on other women! I spend a lot of time watching **** with men and women and long to be the woman.
I would love to live as a woman, get a man, get married. I won't leave my wife. I love her but I'm not remotely sexually attracted to women. I realize my attraction was that like most women, I wanted to have friends who were also women. Our sex life has never been great.

Now it is settled. I am a transexual. I have a female persona, Helen, and I try to see my life through her eyes. My wife won't tolerate me having clothes in the house so I don't have that avenue to help me enter that persona. I've set up a facebook page for Helen. The picture isn't me by the way. I wish!! I have a lot of men, mostly arab and Indian interestingly who want to have a FB relationship with me. A lot want to have sex with me, or more accurately my picture, even though I've told them it's not me. I find that when I'm Helen there is something about my personality that changes. I feel more centred, assured, grounded and it's god to try and see my world, (as a man) from this perspective.

What's it all for. I believe that god or the universe provides the opportunity for all of us to grow and expand in each life and that, even tough life may seem hard and non-sensical at times, there is a purpose to it. I believe I understand women better because I allow Helen to ake over and I see things through her eyes. It's illuminating for the male part of me.
helenthomson helenthomson
51-55, M
Jan 6, 2013