Learning Who I Am

Before I share my story, I just want to say that it's really nice to know there are others out there that are transgendered too. It makes me feel very happy to know I am not alone these feelings. Thanks everyone for sharing their stories on here and giving advice to others.

Well I never had these feelings until I started Middle School. Before then I never saw a many differences between males and females. Gender did not seem to matter so much. I never liked dresses, skirts or feminine stuff. I never thought of myself as a girl or boy. Then Middle School came along. Girls started developing and I noticed that. When I started puberty, I just felt it was not right. There was something wrong. I felt awkward about my body. I cut my hair short and wore baggy, more guyish clothing. It made me feel better and more comfortable.

I realized I did not feel like the other girls. I did not understand them. I wondered why they would even like wearing things like short shorts, tight tops, makeup or dresses. To me it felt so uncomfortable. It was then I understood there was a difference between boys and girls. It never really registered before. I just thought they were basically the same expect for some different parts. I wondered where I fit into this picture.

I began to refer to myself a tomboy. I wanted to distinguish myself from other girls. I just did not want to be thought of as one of them. I do not mean to come across as thinking girls are bad. That's not it at all, I just did not want to be one myself. As time went on, I became more and more like a boy in the way I dressed and acted. When a stranger mistook me for a boy, I felt happy. When my parents or someone told them I was a girl, I felt a little sad.

I started doing some research on the way I felt. I learned about being transgender and I thought perhaps I was one. At first I thought I would just have to learn as being female and just be the way I was. This year though my feelings changed. I felt like I really hated being a girl and wanted desperately to be just a normal guy. I started to like girls a lot more than guys.

I was glad to learn about ftms and knew I was one and that there was a way out for me. Still I was sad that I thought of myself as a boy when no one else did. I wanted to correct people when they referred to me as 'she.' I desperately wanted to scream to my family that I really was a male. I told my parents. My mom took it well I think, though I know it's hard for her. My dad did not freak out but I know he thinks it's odd and has told me he will never view me as a son.

I felt like there was a huge rift between me and my dad. For a couple weeks I would just feel enraged whenever I was around him and found myself getting more mad. I have been really moody over this past month. There are times when I am very silent and just feel depressed. I cannot shake myself from these moods sometimes. At times I just break down and cry, feeling tension release from my body. Things have been better this week but I have a hard time holding feelings in. I want to talk to people about it but I know I have to give them time and talking about it can be unpleasant for them. I am learning to keep a better handle on this though.

I have 'come out' to nine people so far. My parents, best friend, three other friends, therapist and my two adult neighbors who are like mentors to me. It went really well for my friends. They accept me. In fact they all guessed something was up. One of my friends actually knew before I told him. My therapist told me to keep researching on it and talk about it but I am too young to decide right now. My neighbors were very accepting and told me they would always love me. It does make me really happy to have such understanding and loving people in my life.

I plan on binding this summers. There is this site called t-kingdom which makes binders especially for people like ftms. :) I won't be able to do anything as far as transitioning until I am 18 though.

I know being a ftm is not going to be easy. It causes a lot of problems now. But I am proud of who I am. I don't know any other way to be. I would not want to be a cisgendered female because that would not be me. I really would not have minded been born a male in the first place though but you can't get everything. I will try to be really strong though and face these problems head on. I will work very hard to get from being some awkward boy-girl to being the confident man I want to be. Once I become a man, I will never go back. If I am lucky even to get married, I promise to always protect my wife and be the best man I can be for her.

Sorry for writing such a long-winded story. Thanks for reading all of it though. Any advice you may have about being transgendered is always appreciated.
WildWolf711 WildWolf711
18-21, M
May 13, 2012