Trans I Am

Let's start way back when....

Before I went to preschool I had a friend named Michelle. We used to play doctor together and pee standing up in the backyard (I had skill!). My first crush was a girl Michelle that I bonded with by peeing outside.... how romantic! Strangely, peeing outside seemed normal to me I didn't even blink an eye when I did it.

Then preschool rolled around.... I went to a religious preschool where we had church every day (and no, the teachers did not preach about gays and trans being summoned by the devil to destroy the lives of straights and non-trans people.... or whatever you trans/homo phobic people think....).

Yes those were the days; playing the sandbox and show and tell were my biggest worries. Well, at least until my little "issue" started... my little "issue" was that I refused to go to the bathroom in the girl's room at my preschool. I would hold it in until I got home or... I would pee my pants xD. When I was 4 my priorities were a little... "Different". I would rather pee my pants and be humiliated in front of my classmates than go to the bathroom in the girls room.

The kids and teachers in my class quickly learned a few things about me:
1. I had a deep love for dinosaurs.
2. I was a sweet, quiet, and smart kid..... Except when a jerk in my class cuts me in line.

(Some kid named George or something pushed me aside and cut me in line so I b-slapped him so fast he didn't see it coming AKA: I punched him in the face and gave him a bloody nose).

Then kindergarten snuck up on me. I don't remember much... I was basically the biggest loner in the school xD. I used to throw pokeballs at a brick wall pretending to be Ash Ketchum with my best (and only) friend Nathan. Afterschool Nathan and I would play in a pile of dirt under my swing-set. We would make it into mud and play in it.

One day, after I came home from kindergarten I noticed that my dad's hair was shorter than usual; so I asked him about it. He said that he got a haircut that morning. Later, after he went to work I snuck into my room with a pair of scissors. I cut all my hair off until there was nothing left but little "fuzzies".

My mom got so mad. She sat me down at the kitchen table and we waited for about half an hour until my dad got home. When he got home he looked at me and then back at my mom and started laughing. My mo did not find it as amusing a he did. She demanded that I tell her what happened so I told her; "I wanted to look like daddy! And, when I grow up I want to be Daddy!!” That didn't sit well with my mother....

Also, Kindergarten was when I first started getting "Penis Envy". I would put things like small sticks in my pants and pretend that they were a penis. I wanted one so bad. I used to look at myself in the tub and then look at my sister and wonder why our bodies were the same. It didn't feel right to me.

In first grade I remember is cutting my hair for a second time (It wasn't as bad though... I had experience xD). I got angry when my mom asked me why again. I screamed: "I want to be daddy!” My older sister took my outburst as a sign that I wanted to play house with her. So, for the rest of first grade I played house with my sister. She was the mother and I was the father and my kitty Romeo was the baby (He didn't like playing baby that much!). I sat with the outcasts at lunch (I was the only girl). We used to tell dirty jokes, read Spiderman comics, talk about anime, and just fool around. I sat with them all the way up to fifth grade.

In second grade I dressed up as Spiderman for Halloween and my mom noticed my enthusiasm and let me buy more costumes. I picked out a fireman uniform while my sister picked out a ballerina outfit. So, my free time in second grade was spent spinning down a white pole in my basement pretending to be a fireman while my sister danced to kidz bop. I remember that my sister got really mad at me because I cut all the hair off of her Barbie’s and the one’s who hairs were still attached; I spiked with glue.

In third grade I got really close to my friend Nathan. I used to go over his house all the time. Then one day I went to his house and he was watching lesbian p***. I was intrigued by what he was watching and I used to watch it with him. Then after a while he grew apart from his computer however, I secretly continued to watch it. I loved playing with the boys. I used to play basketball in the courtyard with them everyday during recess.

In fourth grade I came to terms with the fact that I was a lesbian however; calling myself a lesbian didn't feel right. Something felt off. I realized that I was transgender and that I was supposed to have a penis.

Fifth grade was probably one of the worst times of my life. I was absent all the time and got incredibly low grades. My sister started cutting and my parents fought more often. I was desperate to hide my body so I resorted to wearing baggy sweatpants and sweatshirts.

Sixth grade, if possible, was worse. I barely remember anything from sixth grade; I was told by my therapist that my body forced myself to forget. I felt like I didn't fit in so I started dressing like a girl to try to fit in but, it made things worse. I got awkward and my self-confidence plummeted. Most of my memories are like out-of-body experiences. It was because there was nothing to anchor my male mind to my female body. I had the wrong friend (Jana, she was manipulative, a *****, liar, and stole things from me), my sister started cutting more, she developed an eating disorder (bulimia), and my parents fought more.

Seventh grade was much much better (Besides my parents getting divorced…) I came out to all my friends as bisexual (that prefers women), and I told most of them that I had G.I.D (Gender Identity Disorder). They all gladly accepted me, I got very lucky and I am thankful. I started dressing like a boy and I cut my hair wicked short. My self-confidence raised a lot and I was back to my old self with a great (yet demented) sense of humor.

I am now in eighth grade. I am happier than every! Most of my friends know that I am transgender and they are all fine with it (including my ex-girlfriend).
I came out to my aunt first as transgender (we are REALLY close). She hugged me and accepted me for who I am. Then I came out to my cousin and his fiancé (My cousin is the son of my aunt!). They are both cool with it and it doesn't bother them at all. It turns out, my cousin is bisexual and he had a boyfriend for over a year!

Afterwards, I came out to my sister and her boyfriend. She was mad at first but after a while she accepted me and her boyfriend was totally cool with it. Then, I came out to my sister's gay, sometimes drag queen friend (yay for a freebie!).

I came out to my dad and his reaction was better than expected but not exactly what I wanted. I told him that I was transgender and he asked me to clarify what that meant. After I explained it to him he told me that he loves me no matter what and that he thinks that I am making a "bad decision" but as long as I am happy he doesn't care. My mom thinks it is a phase and she told me that as long as I live in her house I will not get on T and I will not have any surgery. Also, she refuses to talk to my teachers/school about it. My mom is a hypocrite. When my sister dresses like a hooker and puts on loads of make up my mom says that she is "expressing" herself. But, when I try to wear boy's clothes she says that I am "Labeling" myself and that I am "Making a statement". I hate it!

Despite the fact that I am happy…. being transgender pains me. Sometimes I will look at myself in the mirror and break down randomly. I don't want to be transgender. I want to be a boy. I have huge DD breasts and they are impossible to fully-bind. If my breasts are noticeable I fell like a failure and it ruins my whole day.

I am not Jessica.
I am Jayden and Jayden I am
I am Male and Male I am
I am Trans and Trans I am
JaydenMikelAucoin JaydenMikelAucoin
13-15, T
Sep 24, 2012