Being a Transgender FTM

Before going through my story, i would like you to understand what is it. So plz do some research on this topic. We are born with different soul in different body. I am Male in Female body. For me i am normal as anyother man. I feel the same as anyother man would feel. I behave like one, dress up like one. Sometimes i just forget i have a different body. Its hell to be like this. But did i choose to be like this ? I was born like this. Trans are spiritual people created by god for special purpose. We go through so much of humiliation. Society doesnt accept us, make us feel like we are criminals. As if we made ourselves like that. Our family hate us and are not ready to accept us. We are forced to do things which we hate to do and cant accept it. At that time we kill ourselves spritually. Noone will understand what we go through.There is hipocracy in society over this issue. How many people know really how it feels to be one ? We are made to feel guilty about the thing which we ourselves have not choosen to be. If we are born like this, its whose mistake ? everyone wants normal life and normal body. Who wants to be born like this ? noone. We want a normal family, a normal opp sex person to understand us and have guts to stay with us and love us the way we are. We want someone to accept us. We most of the time live in depression, tension and pain. Everyday we face humiliation , we are made to realise that we are not fit for the society. So bad, so bad, Just for one day try to live like this the way we are. You will commit suicide. We live with it and die with it, everyday. Nobody to understand and nobody to complain. We do get love and relationships, but noone stays forever. Everybody wants normal life, family and children.  I am going through it and i am proud to be it. I am not ashamed but suffering as society wants me to suffer for the thing which i have not asked and created myself. We are part of society, we have right to live our own normal lives, we have right to love an be loved. People accept or dont accept,life wont change for us. We silently suffer and suffer. Its very convenient for others to leave us anytime in relationship. We are used , abused, refused in relationship. If god grant me a wish in my next birth, i would love to be the same as i am now. I am ready for sufferings and pain as i am going through now. I know one thing, i am a good and responsible humanbeing. Kind and helpful. Loving and charming.  I thank everyone who came into my life and accepted me, loved me the way i am. I am sad that everyone left me as they had their own dreams and expectations in life. But i know still they love me and pray for me, as they say noone like me. I know, its not there mistake. Their family wanted them to have normal life and they never had guts to go against it. They lost me, but i gained so much from them. They sacrified me according to their convenience. Noone took me seriously in relationship. Noone thinks what will happen to me, how will i live?People are concerned about their life and their future. I dont mind it, if they are happy in their life.  I have only one expectation in life that someday, someone will truly love me, accept me and share entire life with me. Its hell to be a loner in life. God cant be so cruel with me. I have trust, i have crossed all limits of suffering and pain. I now deserve a peaceful and happy life with the person who is my heart and soul. This will be my last relationship, if this doesnt work i will give up. I just dont know what will i do.... All on GOD and HER.

Updated: Its all over for me. She left for her convenience. Again it happened. I think i am born for this. I think now i hate myself. Now i feel why i was born like this...I regret my birth. I regret being alive. I have given up. She was my last hope. GOD has been extremely cruel......So bad. I hate myself. Still i will wait for her till i am alive.....

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4 Responses May 8, 2009

I think that God does things to us for a reason. I actually don't really think it's God putting these things into our lives, it just happens cause it's a sinful world. Don't blame God for the bad things that happen in life. I hope you live a happy and peaceful life for the rest of your days.:)

Hi. I feel I am both genders. I am physically female but I have a male side that is stronger than my female side. It's very difficult. But this is who I am.

I would be presumptuous to say I know what u r going through. But I DO know what it's like to suffer, seemilgly endlessly, to feel like the only person like me, somehow weird and will fit nowhere. I know how it is to endure abuse & to hate myslef for years & years -- even if it is for different reasons. I like to believe there is a core sameness in all of us himan beings. I believe we all long for basically the same things.<br />
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And what I know, so far, for myself is that while my suffering is REAL & painful, i fI let myself drown in it & bitterness to harden me -- life will only get worse & worse. I know I can yell at God for what I'm going thru - and 'He' understands the pain in my heart & hurts to feel my pain. I know that while I may not understand some really crummy things in life, that I am still oved by God & will have the answer when I go home to HIm. That while it seems long - life is actually quite short. I know that when things feel the worst - I can still find peace & healing & that as unfair as it seems to me -- working on adjusting my true attitide can make me feel much better - not perfect, just better. I know that - regardless of my circumstances - and of course I have it worse than some people & some people have it worse than me - I walk along & choose to descend into darkness or I can choose to try to stay in the light. Being in the light doesn't take away all my pain -- but it does help to keep healing me over time - as I take advantaage of parayer & the other resources I think God put in this world so we can feel better (ALanon, counseling, support groups, etc) and it is up to me to use them & to fight for myself. I know self-hatred is ALWAYS a road to unendng misery - and I wish I could take your pain & self hate away from you & leave you with a feeling of lightness & ease & more smiling moments & more peace & joy. I know I can't understand some of the way things are, for you, but I believe in you -- and at the very least I believe you can get to feeling much better than you are by doing the same types of things that helped me -- when I was feeling that I was beyond helping. Thank you for reminding me the importance of acceptance of others & I hope you will seek & find greater happiness & healing. I love & care for you just the way you are & I pray good people will come to you - when you are truly ready to accept them - who will stick by you and be your friend-family through your life!<br />
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I appreciate you writing this down. Somehow seeing it in text before your eyes brings to light everything... all at once. It is A truly painful situation but as you have stated, it has all made me who I am. I tend to believe that things happen for a reason. I feel as though I was made to go through this because I can take it. This has made me more open minded than any other person I have met in passing save for a rare few, and for that I am grateful. I may be looked down upon by others for what I am... But no one will be looked down on by me simply for being a little different.<br />
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Thank you again for your honest words.