I've Always Known But I've Never Really UnderstoodHello everyone. You may call me Malin. I'm 23 and ftm, though I'm still at the very beginning, which sucks because I'm 23.
Anyway, I've always known that something was off with me. When I was young, I always hung out with boys and I always wore boys clothes. I think I went through one little tiny period where I wanted one of those pink dresses with the poofy shoulders, but after I got that I went straight back to boys clothes and flat out refuse to wear anything girly unless absolutely necessary. I remember that when I used to be in day care and it was really hot out, we were all playing soccer and all the guys got to take their shirts off, so my immediate reaction was "can I do that?" and of course, I was told I could not. Well, needless to say, I was outraged and insisted that I was a guy and it was not fair. This argument did not fly with them and I was not allowed to take my shirt off. Looking back on it, this was but one of several similar incidents that happened up until I finally hit puberty, which was a rather painful experience for me. I got super depressed. I stayed in a lot. I DESPISE having breasts and I would give anything to do away with them. I'd always known what a transgender person was but I guess I never understood quite the extent of what it meant (I lived in the suburbs, I was kind of sheltered. Sue me.) until I went to college and then I had this "OH IS THAT WHAT I AM?!" moment. At the moment, I'm working on losing the weight so I can just get to passing and then I'll worry about hormones and the like. Plus I'm sort of stalling because I'd like to get my own insurance by the time that happens (I really don't want to deal with my parents inevitable nasty reactions to coming out. Telling them I was bi was enough). I've noticed though, that I do have these weird girly spurts. I think I'm much more of a genderfuck than a straight up MANLY!guy, but I guess that we'll see what happens when we get to that point. I mean, I'm open to experimenting with my looks and such so long as I feel comfortable with myself in the end. Anyway, I think that's all I really have to say. Sorry about how unorganised this post is. I really didn't have anything planned out before I typed it.