I've Always Known But I've Never Really Understood

Hello everyone. You may call me Malin. I'm 23 and ftm, though I'm still at the very beginning, which sucks because I'm 23.
Anyway, I've always known that something was off with me. When I was young, I always hung out with boys and I always wore boys clothes. I think I went through one little tiny period where I wanted one of those pink dresses with the poofy shoulders, but after I got that I went straight back to boys clothes and flat out refuse to wear anything girly unless absolutely necessary. I remember that when I used to be in day care and it was really hot out, we were all playing soccer and all the guys got to take their shirts off, so my immediate reaction was "can I do that?" and of course, I was told I could not. Well, needless to say, I was outraged and insisted that I was a guy and it was not fair. This argument did not fly with them and I was not allowed to take my shirt off. Looking back on it, this was but one of several similar incidents that happened up until I finally hit puberty, which was a rather painful experience for me. I got super depressed. I stayed in a lot. I DESPISE having breasts and I would give anything to do away with them. I'd always known what a transgender person was but I guess I never understood quite the extent of what it meant (I lived in the suburbs, I was kind of sheltered. Sue me.) until I went to college and then I had this "OH IS THAT WHAT I AM?!" moment. At the moment, I'm working on losing the weight so I can just get to passing and then I'll worry about hormones and the like. Plus I'm sort of stalling because I'd like to get my own insurance by the time that happens (I really don't want to deal with my parents inevitable nasty reactions to coming out. Telling them I was bi was enough). I've noticed though, that I do have these weird girly spurts. I think I'm much more of a genderfuck than a straight up MANLY!guy, but I guess that we'll see what happens when we get to that point. I mean, I'm open to experimenting with my looks and such so long as I feel comfortable with myself in the end. Anyway, I think that's all I really have to say. Sorry about how unorganised this post is. I really didn't have anything planned out before I typed it.
Bumblebetch Bumblebetch
3 Responses Apr 29, 2012

This is so relatable to me!

Yay! I'm not the only older sissy trans-guy (well, I'm still not completely certain whether I'm transgender). I hate being alone. All I can seem to find are younger people who are classic trans-people, and that doesn't help me sort out any of the issues I have because mine are completely different from theirs. It's hard to find answers when, up until now, there wasn't anyone who had been down the path I'm standing on.

Good to know you're not alone, right?
And I'm seeing that we're from the same state.
Perhaps we can chat sometime and help each other out :3

Whats ftm? tried googling but it was too generic. Nothing wrong with being transgender, or gay or bi. 'Coming out' is always the hard part, but when you do it i think you're going to feel really liberated. You go to university, you're going to have your whole lie ahead of you, with careers and bills and all that. Thats Your life. If you want to make a decision about something, a s*x change for example, dont worry about what other people think. Its your life, you do what feels right. If you felt like you were a boy all your life then you were probably suppose to be one. Do what feels right.

Ftm=female to male. Sorry, probably should have explained that :3 I'm almost done with university actually, I just have a few more classes and two internships. There were a lot of things I forgot to mention in the post, one of them being that the people at my work know and are good with it (I live in Minnesota. My employers are legally required to deal with it. Nonetheless, they've been wonderful), but I was watching something about it on television with my mom one night and she said to me, "if you ever think you're a guy, promise you won't tell me." I just kind of looked at her and said, "yeah, don't worry about it." So yeah...telling them is out of the question...AND I'd like to stay in the will.

heh. So.. you want to have a operation without them knowing?

'm guessing you're not very close to your parents. I still remember the story you made about how harsh they are when you achieve something and how you react to compliments. Honestly if your mum has an issue being active in your life regardless of your decision, then its her loss. You want people next to you who support you. Thats the problem with family, its really hard letting them go when it feels like they dont know whats best for you. I'm not saying you should stop loving them, but sometimes it takes a little distance ( physically even) before you get closer again. You have stories of kids who break up with their families because they wanted to pursue a dream their families didnt agree with. The kids managed to achieve what they wanted, the familiy realised they were maybe wrong, then they are reunited again. What i'm trying to say is...whatever you decide to do, do it for yourself, not for anyone else.

I'm going to get to the point where I can at least pass as a guy until I don't need them anymore. I haven't thought far enough ahead about the surgery since its so expensive and not covered by insurance. At the very least I'll get top surgery, but so long as I'm dependent on their insurance, I'm not jumping into anything.

sounds like a plan. :)

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