I Or Aren't Be Or Not To Be

Hey! I am new at this and I just have a lot of questions going through my head and am not really sure where I fit. I question myself a lot on if I am a transgender, genderqueer, or just a more masculine lesbian.

I should probably give a little back story to who I am...

When I was a little kid I had friends that were both girls and boys but I was always such a "tomboy". I always wanted to play sports, in the woods, get dirty, legos, ninja turtles, and I never played with dolls, barbies, dress up, and I was never a princess but always wanted to be something boyish like a prince or power ranger and whenever we played house or pretend I always chose to be a boy.

When I was in middle school I was still into sports and dressed kind of tomboyish but no longer had guy friends and also sort of followed what my friends (who were girls) liked. I still never got into make up or dresses but when my friends all had crushes on the boys in our grade so did I....but I also had secret crushes on the girls in my grade as well. I didn't know what it meant and when I found out what it meant to be gay/lesbian it was looked down upon so I just hid that part of me away.

I became pretty depressed and went through some really dark periods in my life and in high school I tried dating a guy-which only lasted about 2 months lol. I then had a secret relationship with a girl and later when I was 18 came out to my parents as a lesbian. They all took it way better than I ever imagined and I have had 3 really amazing long term relationships with women in the last 8 years.

Problem is now that I wonder all the time of who I really am. I am still really drawn to the masculine side (however I am not really a "Butch" lesbian). I dress in mostly guy type clothes and I have shoulder length shaggy boyish type of a haircut. Sometimes I wonder if I would be more comfortable being a straight man than a lesbian and then the rest of the time I wonder if I would be ok just being how I am now because I do feel masculine but there is also a part of me that is a tomboyish female...ugh...confusion.

Part of me has always felt more like a guy and I used to wish I could wake up as a guy instead of in the body I am in. Then there is this feeling that I don't know that I could ever go through that type of a surgery or change and what would my friends and family think? I hope I am not offending anyone I am really just so confused as to who I am and it is causing a lot of emotions and depression.

I guess I am just looking for other people who have felt the same way and just want to hear other's stories because I have very few LGBT friends and I am kind of shy (social phobia type of issues). Thank you! :)
LK99 LK99
2 Responses Dec 11, 2012

Really, the label you give yourself doesn't matter. If you decide that you're a straight man, you don't have to give up the feminine side of you. If you decide you want to transition into a man, that doesn't mean you have to go all the way either. At this point in my life, I'm okay with my penis. I really want hormone therapy, but Sexual Reassignment Surgery is a scary thing, and not every trans person wants it, and that's perfectly okay.

In an ideal world, your friends and family will be like, "Awesome dude. Wanna go get some tacos or something for lunch?", but it's a big deal in our society, whether we like it or not. If your friends really care about you, they may be shocked at first, and reaaaaaaally curious after the initial shock, but will be supportive and treat you the same as before, except with you as a dude. With family, it's a little harder to read. My mom was very reluctant to let me go through transition, and it made me really depressed. When she realized how it affected me, she told me the reason: She was worried about bullying at school. She then explained that she has no personal qualms about it, just that she wants me to be safe. My dad, however, divorced my mom and left home. it sounds like your family will be very supportive in this case, but worst case scenario, you will always have your friends to give support, and there are always people around you that don't care about your gender identity, and will like you solely for you.

In the end, don't base your decision about transition on what you think other's will think, because the people that really matter will still like you as a guy or girl.

I am a TG man, now living as a woman full time and have never been happier in my life. I never thought I could love another man but it has happened. We are very much in love and he wants me to come to Toronto and live with him as his wife and I plan to do that when I complete my hormone therapy, Best of luck to you in your life