Being A Transman With AutismMy whole family knew I constantly called myself a boy all throughout my childhood, but I became quiet about it when I was in my adolescence and the psychological horrors of puberty began to morph me more into the body I felt so disillusioned with.
The remarks of being a boy were not a priority for my family. Having autism, I had a rough time speaking simple sentences and my sensory issues made everyday life a hell. They were more concerned about treating my autism than anything else. While it helped during childhood, it would backfire during the teenager years. It was the time of no smiles, because I was infamous for not smiling.
During adolescence, every time my breasts grew, I would literally loose it and go to a psychiatric ward. Specialists diagnosed me with schizo-affective disorder, bipolar I & II, psychosis, and a host of other mental illness.
My case was so odd that no diagnosis would divide me evenly. The answer was to give me extreme psychotophics like Rispederal which caused breast enlargement, excessive weight gain, and lactation in the breasts. Ironically, these specialists were giving me the one thing that would hurt me more than words could express. It was when I began lactation of the breasts (a common side effect) that I went into a major hospitalization that lasted for nearly a month. I told the staff constantly that "I was a boy" but they just gave me different psychotropics. Even in my impaired mental state, I was telling them the problem but they would ignore me. My parents could see I was getting worse, and they took me out. Eventually, that mental state wore off on its own.
It was only three weeks after getting out of the hospital that my parents reluctantly let me go to my first year of college. It was there that I learned of the LGBT center at the campus. For the first time, I opened up. I researched, and I could finally put in words the feelings I had my entire life. I decided I was the male gender and not the female gender.
When my parents became hostile toward my decision, I cut contact from them. I remembered all the sufferings I had gone through. I aquired a certain wisdom from my psychological sufferings. I just could not deal with people who would allow me to go through the sufferings just for the sake of normallcy. Later on, my parents came back and told me they were sorry.
I am only a Sohpmore at my college right now, but I am now getting into research. I am on track to graduate in computer engineering with honors. It gets better. =)
I already changed my first name, and I am looking for an affordable surgeon for breast removal surgery. I am not planning on taking hormones or getting bottom surgery.
I learned that if you don't like where you are at, then you must keep moving forward and if happiness is fleeting you must give chase. That's why it's called the pursuit of happiness. I hope anyone reading this learns it too.