I Just Want to Get to Know the People Who Do Understand Me

I was born a bastard child,and have never met my biological father...he can't be found,at least not by me.

Anyway,I remember knowing that i should've been a boy from as early as 4 years old. I would cry myself to sleep at night,while praying and begging God to fix me. I thought I was broken in some way.

We were always dirt floor poor and had to live with my Grandmother,who basically raised me,she is my heart,I regret never telling her who I REALLY am before she passed away.

My Mother married when i was an infant and led me to believe that,that sorry excuse for a human being was my Father.That marriage didn't last long,but I got a younger sister out of it. I was Five years old When My Mom met the Man that I call Daddy. Unfortunately,he wasn't a very good person when I was a child,he did sexually molest me ,which caused alot of mental problems and sexual inhibitions,but my dad changed after my mom left him,i asked for her not have him arrested,I was nine years old when they divorced.We lived in a Battered Women's shelter for as long as they would allow us to stay.The moved to a neighborhood where I just didn't fit in,racially. By this time I had My Mother who I've always felt the need to protect,a younger sister and an even younger brother. I have felt the weight of the world all my life.After my Mom came out of hiding from my dad,I could see immediate differences in him,losing his Family due to his lack of self control and obvious mental issues,changed him for the better.Most kids are unhappy after their families tear apart,but my parents were better people without each other. I have forgiven my Dad for the horrible things he put me through as a child.As odd as it may sound,I love him and respect him. The damage he did,is nothing compared to the life I had to lead growing up.Knowing I should be a boy,but unable to tell anybody was slowly eating me alive,it still is. twenty years ago,i could've been beaten,raped,or worse if I had come out as a child,so I didn't. I kept it locked inside and protected my true self for as long as I possibly could. I finally broke down and told my parents I was gay,that's easy enough for them to get through their heads,I thought.My Mom still had issues with that until I explained to her that I was never REALLY gay,but transgendered instead.Needless to say,that didn't make it easier for her.My Dad ALWAYS says that he doesn't care who i am inside or out,I'm his child and he is by my side in any decision i make.I have a beutiful wife and three grown kids,they all accept me for who I am,but I haven't gotten as for as going by another name yet,i hope to very soon.I just hope to find friends who fully understand where I'm coming from and hopefully some that can help me figure out where I go from this point. I am being treated for major depression....I assume that comes with the territory.I tried talking to both my Primary Doctor and my Psychiatrist,but neither know a thing in the world about transgenderism. Like I said,I'm poor,but I have managed to purchase binders and an STP device,But Thank God there are people out there helping the men who REALLY can't find a way to get these things,like that big brother program to help pass down binders,Those Guys are wonderful people for taking the time to help the less fortunate. My biggest problem with trying to start T is money.I've worked a dead end job for thirteen years,now,with absolutely no medical insurance,so I get free care through our charity Hospitals here in Louisiana,now I'm trying to find out if they have any type of help for transgendered people,but I can't seem to find out.I can hardly seem to make myself get out of bed at all,i stay in bed,play a video game or watch a movie,I hardly even speak to my kids for fear of jumping down their throat for no good reason.I constantly seem to have panic attacks,but the xanax doesn't do it for me anymore.I just don't know what to do from here. I try to talk to my wife,but she has so much on her plate and she is dealing with this in her own way too.When we first started out,I didn't even tell her,she was under the impression that I was just gay,but i think she's come to terms with this now and she's ready to accept that i need to move forward in this as soon as i possibly can in order to keep from driving my self insane.I haven't even figured out what I want My name to be,everyone still calls me by my female name,but I'm just not Kristi and Don't particularly care for the name Kris,but my wife doesn't understand that I don't have to choose a name that is close to my given name,I personally have always,since I was a small child felt that my name was supposed to be Lane,but nobody seems to like it,i guess I'm gonna have to get over what other people want and start living for myself,but i will always keep my Wife's opinions and suggestions in mind. I just hope she can deal with a Completely New name.I just need help,any help or advice for a thirty year old guy trying to begin his true life,is welcomed and very much appreciated.

                                                                                                  Thanks Guy's

                                                                                                            Lane