Why is love so hard to find? Why does every woman turn on me the instant I ask them out? Am I just destined to be alone? Why do I feel so wrong when I do finally get a date? Is it because I have known I am a girl at heart since I was a small child? Is this why my ex left me and our daughter, because she could not be with another woman?

If I transition to be the woman I know I am, will I find the love of another person waiting for me? Will I finally be happy with who and what I am? Or am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life? Why is life so hard for me? Would anyone truly miss me if I was not around except for my daughter? Can anyone be truly happy without love in their life?

I know I am heterosexual in my male body; I can’t bring myself to have sex with a man while I am a man. However I can’t see myself having sex with a woman as a woman. So with the mind and heart of a woman and the body of a man does that make me homosexual by going to bed with a woman? If I wake my body female and go to bed with a man am I heterosexual or homosexual?

How can I go on if no one can love me for me? How will my daughter feel about me once I finish becoming the woman I know I am? How will my homophobic father feel about when he finally learns the truth about his only son? What will happen to me if I cannot finish my transition from male to female? Will people accept me as a she-male or will I be rejected altogether?

If my life was to end today would anyone truly care and what would they care about? Would my daughter be better off without me in her life since I only get to see her once a week because my job keeps me away from her? Would my sister morn my loss even though she has rejected me for what I am or would she be relieved I can no longer corrupt her children as she puts it?

I want to know the joy of getting pregnant. The joy of having a new life grow within me. And the joy of bringing that life into the world through child birth. But alas I will never know such joy. I was born male and after 35 years as such my body is irreversibly male in every way. Had I been able to start HRT when I was 10-12 years old I might be able to get a special surgery to let me know the joy of child birth. The bones of the male are shaped wrong and the Organs are in the wrong place and some are even to big. The male brain is even so different that it will not allow for the development of a new life in the body.

The closest I will ever come to knowing the joy I seek is through the stories of others. If anyone is willing to share.
Rose35 Rose35
36-40, T
1 Response Dec 16, 2012

I fear having to ask myself these things in the future but I feel like if I tell everyone now, it will be easier than waiting. I see a lot of stories about much older men making the switch and being very happy but they may not have had homophobic fathers either. That's one of the toughest things I have to get past personally but you have more to chew on top of that. I also struggle with the border of sexuality. I want to be a lady, but I also want to be With a lady. I don't really like lesbians because they are very boyish and if I change my appearance then I will dramatically decrease my chances of being with a girly girl. At this point it's hard to decide if I even want to say anything. I think girls get a gay guy vibe and they really have no idea what's going on. A child saw right through me a couple days ago though. He, after looking at me and seeing my pink bracelet, pony tail, tight Jeans and registering the word cute out a guys mouth, says "you're a girl" and I was a little thrown off but it's everything I wanted to hear. that solidified my gay vibe theory. Idk if that helps but I just want you to know you aren't alone. Humanity will miss your contributions to life when you leave but today isn't the day sister. You have a chance to show that daughter understanding, acceptance, patience, and real love. Do what you have to do to get by. Do what you want to do to get out. ;)

Hun, I have talked with many and one thing we have all discovered is for most of us we like women in the beginning, men and women after starting HRT and men around SRS. This is not true 100% of the time, there are those that like boys before HRT (like me) and girls after SRS.