Lonely As Can Be

I am a truck drivers wife. I have been with my truck driver for 13 years and I think I have come to the end of the road. Although I have made it clear how much I hate him being gone he still goes. I guess  I am lucky because he is home much more than most truck drivers but I just hate him being gone. Yes I guess I am selfish and I do feel bad. But I do not have a life. I have waited for 13 years to have a summer fun, no he is always gone. I have waited 13 years to take dance lessons or have a vacation. I have starved thru the winters and lived alone thru the nice weather. I told my husband before I met him I did not need a big fancy home and we don't have one. I told him all I wanted is to be with him and know a different kind of love then just living together. I never know when he will be leaving or coming home. I have taken care of our boys, one of his and one of mine by myself. I have taken care of everything since the day I said I do. This last trip from home is the one that ended I think. I have explained to him how hurt I am that he doesnt get it. He does not respect my feelings and says he did nothing wrong, except to berate me and yell at me the entire time he was gone. He even said he stayed away longer because I was upset. Now don't get me wrong, it is not just the driving that has hurt our marriage. During the time when he is off he drinks constantly, yells at me and in the past has been physically abusive. Anymore he does not apologize for his drinking. He is the most selfish person I know. I raised his son for him and have been there for him for everything. Yet he can't get it how lonely I am and what I need now in my life. He says we should divorce because he is a trucker and always will be. I always thought he would grow up and realize that being committed to someone means being there for them. I have never let him down and have always been there for him. Now I just can't stop hurting way down deep inside. I even went over the road with him for 3 years once our sons had left. I hated it. We were always tired, never got home, and arugued all the time.

Am I so selfish that I want a normal life. I want someone to wake up beside, I want to have supper with someone and watch tv with or go out to dinner with. I want to be able to plan things that are fun and not have to cancel. I have communicated on a daily basis how his job has messed up his life. He never watched his son grow up, he wasn't there when his dad died. He wasn't with me when my mom died, he was driving. I don't care about the money. I will always have bills. I will always be in debt. That is life. I want a soft spot to fall. I want arms that hold me tight and love me and understand how I hate truck driving. My dad was killed in a truck! I am so lonely anymore. All I do is cry and I think I will never be ok again. This man, this trucker has broken my heart and I told him so. He doesn't care. All he cares about is his job. I say you can make money doing lots of things but he makes excuses. I know he will always be a trucker. I just don't think I want to spend the better half of my life, my days alone. Please be kind but I  would love some feed back. How do you help a man to understand that he is not the only one who has needs. Tired of being alone in South Dakota.

autumnmist autumnmist
46-50, F
4 Responses Apr 21, 2010

Well stop moaning and leave sounds like you're a weak minded person who didn't comprhend what a truck driver does to make ends meet.

Although I do not have all the same issues you are going through, I can really relate to the being alone part and having no life with him gone. I know they make great money while they are out but money does not buy back the time spent alone.

Your story bring tears to my eyes and makes me think twice about wanting to marry my trucking driven boyfriend. I have been throw all the bad ones and i found what i thought was the one and then 4 months into our relationship he went back on the road. I was heart breaking and we are still together a year later and there is no dough that i love him. But there are doughs about how our life will be. You needed to take care of yourself and I'm sure there is a wonderful man out there that would love to be your soft spot. My two young children and i lived throw a nasty divorce, go for what you want. He will hear you when the divorce papers are dropped in his lap. Go find your happiness. And thank you for opening my eyes.

i think lightpainter is hitting on the head. sounds like your husband is trying to cover up his feelings by drinking. he doesn't want to be there or he would have made that choice by now. truckers love only one thing the thrill of the next load and the road. they are selfish people because they do what they want to. in the truck they have to answer to no one. being gone is an excuse for not holding up their part of the bargin of marriage. it is like they are little kids that are spoiled and only do what they want to do. asking them to stop driving is like asking them to drink acid. Give it up girl, he will never change. you need to be the one to some how find a way to change your life and leave him to his lonely open road. it may hurt if you love him as you say you do but divorce is painful for only a while. some day you will learn to live again and maybe find someone who values you as a person and wants to be with you. good luck dear