Lonely As Can Be
I am a truck drivers wife. I have been with my truck driver for 13 years and I think I have come to the end of the road. Although I have made it clear how much I hate him being gone he still goes. I guess I am lucky because he is home much more than most truck drivers but I just hate him being gone. Yes I guess I am selfish and I do feel bad. But I do not have a life. I have waited for 13 years to have a summer fun, no he is always gone. I have waited 13 years to take dance lessons or have a vacation. I have starved thru the winters and lived alone thru the nice weather. I told my husband before I met him I did not need a big fancy home and we don't have one. I told him all I wanted is to be with him and know a different kind of love then just living together. I never know when he will be leaving or coming home. I have taken care of our boys, one of his and one of mine by myself. I have taken care of everything since the day I said I do. This last trip from home is the one that ended I think. I have explained to him how hurt I am that he doesnt get it. He does not respect my feelings and says he did nothing wrong, except to berate me and yell at me the entire time he was gone. He even said he stayed away longer because I was upset. Now don't get me wrong, it is not just the driving that has hurt our marriage. During the time when he is off he drinks constantly, yells at me and in the past has been physically abusive. Anymore he does not apologize for his drinking. He is the most selfish person I know. I raised his son for him and have been there for him for everything. Yet he can't get it how lonely I am and what I need now in my life. He says we should divorce because he is a trucker and always will be. I always thought he would grow up and realize that being committed to someone means being there for them. I have never let him down and have always been there for him. Now I just can't stop hurting way down deep inside. I even went over the road with him for 3 years once our sons had left. I hated it. We were always tired, never got home, and arugued all the time.
Am I so selfish that I want a normal life. I want someone to wake up beside, I want to have supper with someone and watch tv with or go out to dinner with. I want to be able to plan things that are fun and not have to cancel. I have communicated on a daily basis how his job has messed up his life. He never watched his son grow up, he wasn't there when his dad died. He wasn't with me when my mom died, he was driving. I don't care about the money. I will always have bills. I will always be in debt. That is life. I want a soft spot to fall. I want arms that hold me tight and love me and understand how I hate truck driving. My dad was killed in a truck! I am so lonely anymore. All I do is cry and I think I will never be ok again. This man, this trucker has broken my heart and I told him so. He doesn't care. All he cares about is his job. I say you can make money doing lots of things but he makes excuses. I know he will always be a trucker. I just don't think I want to spend the better half of my life, my days alone. Please be kind but I would love some feed back. How do you help a man to understand that he is not the only one who has needs. Tired of being alone in South Dakota.