I Don't Want This Life

My fiance and i met through mutual friends after 12 years of each being told we would be perfect for eachother and yet never being in the same place at the same time to meet. We met on July 7 of 2007 and spend every minute of his vaction together before he had to go back home. we lived about 70 miles from eachother but stayed in touch by spending 10 hours a day on the phone sometimes more everyday for the next week, then he surprised me by showing up on my doorstep, and spent his two days off work and most of the next day until he had to leave or risk being more late to work. A week later i did the same and spend that next week at his apartment, that turned to two weeks and finally on my last day there he asked me to move in. A week later, I transfered me job and I was there for good. We spent every moment we were not working together, we laughed a lot told a lot more getting to know you stories, and were blissfull. Then my job transfered me again to Pontoon Beach IL. It was too far for him to drive to his job if we moved and too far for me to drive if we stayed. i made more money and he had friends and had lived in Alton before so we moved there. However our plan didn't work out and we wound up with rent that was too much for just me and he couldn't find a decent job. We had 4 kids between the two of us to support and we were drowning financially so he started seeing comercials on tv for truck driving schools. I begged, I pleaded I worked as much overtime as I could, I got my boss fired and took his position (he screwed up and got himself fired but he involved me and tried to ruin my carreer, long story in itself but timing is what is important here), but the fact is we were still drowning, and Ross still had no job prospects. I tried to get us out of the lease and into a more affordable place, but we didn't have the money to buy out and the landlord threatened to sue us if we broke the lease. So after months of fighting and crying and fighting and threatening he started school to be a truck driver. I HATED him for it, and told him so everyday in one way or another.  He saw it as our salvation I saw it as our end. i did give him a ultimatum and got him off the road for a while but then I got sick and couldn't work and off he went again, this time I tried to be supportive, and tried to put obn a good front about all of it, but inside I was and am dying. I now back at work in great health and got a gigantic promosion. We no longer have the huge house or payment and can afford to live comfortably but he is still on the road. Once again I gave him the come off or I am am gone, and that lead to world war 150000 in our relationship. it is now comporomised and he will be off by July 1 if i can either send his resume out and find him another job by then or prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that we can live without doing without on just my salary until he can find a job in this economy. I know to some of you seasoned veteran wives out there i may sound like a spoiled ***** but this is so not the life i want or need. I want to see my man everyday, I want to have him home, I want to never ever have to look into the eyes of his son(his not mine) and explain why he can't come over as much as he used to and then have nightmare about the pain I saw there that mirrors my own,(and yes I have literal nightmares about it). I don't feel that this industry should be legal the way it is run. I can see the miliatry men and women, they have to protect our country not play in oversized tonka trucks so we can have our groceries faster and cheaper i would gladly pay more for tow or three drivers to work hourly and get the stuff to the store knowing that those guys are home evry night with thier families. So thier kids are not in pain and thier women are not raking up therapy bills in the tens of thousands. I don't know how you all do it, but I can't and won't anymore. I have never been so depressed or self-destructive in my life. i actually had to be hopspitalized for stress over all of this twice. i just can't do it. July 1 is absolutly it. I am done with all of the pain and lonliness. It is either that or i eat a pharmacy!

shyleeblue shyleeblue
4 Responses Mar 22, 2009

Ok, so by the dates of these comments, it's been a while. What happened? Did things get better? I need to hear the ending. My husband is just finishing his phase II training. All I see is that trucker's are basically endentured slaves. The pay that these companies advertise and promise is not true. It's crappy pay for such gruelling, harsh work. My darling is so depressed with all the ice, snow, etc. slowing him down. He worries about making money when the weather holds him back. In order to get something local, he'll need at least another 6 mos. to a year of OTR driving and solo at that. To me, it's a sick, unhealthy way to make a living. Discomfort, lack of exercise, lack of hygiene, horrible truck-stop food, always waiting in line & rushing. 'Energy drinks' that race your heart so you can stay awake. Sleep is rough and never enough. Home time? Home time? Well, that is a joke now. He is half way across the country from me and our family and his air-fare is so expensive it seems he will be trucking just to pay for his trip home for 24 hours, once or twice a month. Huh??? How are we any better off than when we started? He has his CDL which is basically useless unless he suffers another 6 mos. to a year and a local job is dubious. We prayed for direction on this. I don't know where this will lead. I was so nervous for him and alone the first week he was on the road with his trainer, that I ended up with shingles and lost a week of work. I read poems, blogs, etc. from other trucker's wives and I don't want to be like that. I'm sure they love their husband's as much as I love mine, but they seem to be more accepting of this lifestyle of being apart and waiting for his phone call. I am not a martyr. I don't want to be one! I didn't sign up for this when I married him 4 1/2 years ago. I tried to look at the bright side. Yes, I got more done in the house with him being away. Yes, as our friends & family predicted, it was like a very short honeymoon when we would see each other after being apart. After awhile though, you realize that this is not just a short time thing, this IS your life. I know he is not out having a ball. I know he's not cheating on me. None of those cliches. I just want him at home, to share our lives together the way we once were, before the economy messed everything up. He wants to be home too. There's got to be a better way to make a living than this. It is aging both of us. I walk on eggshells when I talk to him, afraid to tell him too much about anything negative on the homefront. He says to tell him, but when I did tell him something last night, he was quiet and then said 'thanks a lot for giving me news like that!.' There is no balance in this lifestyle and tomorrow never comes where you will share the things you've been holding back. What's the point?

You go girl wish I had your guts right this minute. you see I love my husband but I agree with you. i got married to share my life with my husband not live alone. if you are stonge enough get out while you can. your life will be one lonely night and day after another if you dont. good luck hun pray for me too. i told mine i was ready for a divorce but he seems to not take me seriously. any advice from the men out there? I want to support my husband but he doesn't support me either. I tried the over the road stuff for 3 years to support him. I hated it. I thought committment was about being there for each other not one being there for the other all the time. I hope you get what you want and I hope both of you are happy.

Such is the life of a truckers wife. I put 5 years on the road. Bouncing back and forth between that and tattooing (my first love). Now I'm off the road and going back to it crosses my mind daily.<br />
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I did the local thing but prefer the long haul stuff. And now that I'm single, there's nothing to keep me local. (my then g/f couldn't deal with the lifestyle)<br />
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Hope it works out for y'all though.

Well, Shyleeblue, You are definitely a writer it your current job doesn't work out. Having your husband be a truck driver while your children are still home sounds just impossible. It is hard for me having him home about every other weekend, and my kids are all grown. One thing that helps me is telling myself it is just temporary. I hope when the economy bounces back that he can either get a local route or a different job. He has only been truck driving for 11 months now. I understand that after you get a couple of years in you have a chance of getting a local route. Im' sure July can not come soon enough for you. Good Luck. a2rhonda