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"the Truth Will Set You Free"

I am a hermaphrodite. and trust me writing this and confess this is really really difficult for me. I am 34 years old women. I have women genitalia. but I don't have breast or an uterus, which mean I may look like a woman from outside world but inside I am not.

When I read Middlesex by Jeffrey Euginides, I can relate so much to what Cal Stehpanides. Because what he wrote in Middlesex is exactly what I feel when I am growing up.

Born and raised in a christian family, I was a happy kid, has a lot of friends. I have two sisters and one brother. Life was good until I reach puberty, when I see other girls in my school start getting their period and wear bra. But that time never come to me. I pray and pray and pray but it never happen. I tell myself that maybe God just forget me and my time will come but it never did.

My sisters turn out ok. they are health and improving like it should. only me.

When I reach 18 years old. My parents finally forced me to go the doctor. Because i feel so ashamed of myself. I always thought I was a freak. The experience when I went to these doctor and have them do their test on me was an experience that  I will never forget. That was the worst part of my life. I went from doctors to doctors. They operate me and see what'Is wrong with me. The examine me just like I am a piece of meat. I was devastated. Hopeless. No one seems to care. My parents are also clueless and they never talk to me. I undergo thi treatment for hormone to develop my breast just fora year and then I just stop going. My dad went to jail and a lot of things happen so I just live with this from then.


Now, I am 34. I have a good job working for this NGO. I travels a lot, I have a lot good friends, I am a Christian and my faith has helped me a lot in my life. I just try life my life to the fullest. I never dated in my life. I would like to know what it's like. I have always wanted to get married and have a family on my own because deep down I am a family oriented girl. But I know I will not have that. and I am trying very hard to a/ccept that and make peace with that.

I have so much questions and mosf of it is to God. I mean why me? why is it so hard sometimes? This is what i struggle until now..

Anyway, To anyone who is reading, thankss...I am glad I found this site. to know that you're not alone is so incredible.

sesamestreet sesamestreet 31-35 29 Responses Feb 4, 2011

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Hey Sister .... you are doing really well! We must keep the faith. Miracles do happen. I was born with both operated on to become a very confused man. No one told me anything. Then at 45 I start to get breasts and at 52 I think I am pregnant even though I think I am a sterile man and am sealed up! I have to have hope and faith that it will go all right. There are all sorts of people out in the world. We have to be honest make the most of ourselves and find other unusual people because they are the ones who will love us. It could be anything unusual. That is what tends to give folk compassion though. Time is so very short though when the path is not straight forward. Love and peace. God is real. The whole journey is from nothingness to nothingness. Let's not get too upset! Sundance. xxx.

Thanks Napekisser for your beautiful words and encouragement. nothing I want in live but to love and to be loved in return. Your letter made me cry..a good cry :) God bless you

You are so very welcome, sweet angel. I only hope to spread the love of God with everyone I meet. ALL PEOPLE deserve love, and you are no different. You are a person too, and you are a very special and precious person. Always remember that God gave you life for a reason and a purpose. The reason and purpose is known only by you and God. You can achieve all things through Christ who strengthens you. Never give up the good fight, and be proud of the person you are. Always be happy to be you! Judgments from others mean nothing unless you let them poison your positive thoughts against yourself. I know how much it can hurt, as I have been mocked and judged wrongly too. But our enemies' price of sin has been paid for in full by Christ, so they are forgiven by his mercy. It is now up to us to forgive them as well. By forgiving them, we can become stronger and move on with our lives. We must remember just how beautiful all humanity is by our uniquely beautiful differences. And you are so beautiful that others just cannot believe it! They can't understand the intensity of your beauty, so they resort to cruelty. It is they who lack true beauty and they know it, so they become envious and put you down because of it. They look into the mirrors of their souls and they see monsters, and they become ashamed. I know how badly it hurts to be mocked. But believe me, as i speak the truth. No one can ever hurt you as long as you love yourself! And there IS someone out there that God created who will be your forever lover and partner. Someone who will love you greater than anything else in the universe and will always be there for you. And I know you will love him perfectly in return, as that is the kind of woman you are. You are filled with love and goodness, and the light of God's holiness and righteousness surrounds you like a halo and it becomes your personality. You are more than the average girl ( Yogi Bear, LOL ) and with all that intense special goodness in your heart, your life will be everything you could ever desire it to be, if you truly use the skills God gave you to open the door of opportunity with your key of hope. God bless you always.

I can understand all the struggles you have had, but you are never alone. So many people care about you and love you because you are an incredible and wonderful person. You are beautiful inside and out, and you deserve to be loved by a romantic partner in the most powerful of ways. There is so much to love about you! Never deny that fact! Love yourself and remember how much others love you too. You are special, precious, beautiful and unique, and nothing is more beautiful than the sweet little things that make you the person you are. You are filled with God's light, because he created you and he loves you just the way you are. You are his blessed child, and he will never leave you or forsake you. One day, you will find that lover that God has always intended for you to have, who will worship everything about you, love you properly, and love you forever. There is a person somewhere out there that will be everything you could ever need and want, and that is what you deserve. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be adored. You deserve to be respected. You deserve every great thing that any human being can have or dream of. Reach for the stars, and you will have them in your grasp! If you ever want to talk, and need a friend to share things with, I'm here for you anytime. God bless you always.

i know how u feel,but u can adopt,a child.a man will surely love u.u r beautiful

u are all beautiful in your own way

I stumbled upon your story by accident. Just seeing a topic prop up made me read it. I never really gave much thought to people who in this situation. After reading two stories this morning I feel so guilty that I have been so selfish. <br />
I sincerely hope your you find happiness soon. You seem to be person who has a strong faith. May God bless you and keep you.

You are not alone.

Thanks!! i am glad i found this website and receive encouragement from strangers..

Your honesty alone is so gorgous and your strength is so attractive. Someone will love you for exactly who you are. DO NOT be afraid to open yourself up to someone you may have feelings for. You will be surprised to find that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and your "body" should not and will not always determine someones love for you.

Thank youuuu. I needed this today...

I wish everyone a happy new year,

I'm a 32 yr old intersex male that knows what it is like. think when you going to JR high shouldn't be anything but normal but for me it wasn't I devloped like the other girls I could not do sports do to large breast growth and wide hips . everybody called me freak of nature and other things,it's not easy being Intersex.

Yeah, its not easy. Life is already hard as it is but being different makes it twice the harder. What is the most difficult part for me is seeing how people surround me move on, like they get married, have children. And there was me..feeling alone..feeling like left behind.

Yes, you are absolutely right, growing up and being at school is the most difficult part. for me its the other way around. While other girls start developing their breast, getting their period. I never experience those. I never join any sports, I never go to swimming lesson, I never really had friends. I feel like a freak. I feel like I am condemned, cursed and no matter what I do, or how much I pray it will never come.

In high school its much worse. I feel like an outsider. I am jealous of seeing my the girls have boyfriends. i am that girl in that corner who just want to hide.

And there college and I am change a little bit, I have this girl who turn out to be my best friend. She knows everything and still love me for who I am. I started to come of my shell a little bit. put my self out there a little bit. have you know the confidence to life.

I found my talent in singing. I find a local church near my home that really welcome me. I sing a lot. I even sing many times if front of the congregation. People said the are blessed to hear me singing and that's heal me I think in a way. To know that I am not worthless. God created me and he has a plan.

And then start working, change jobs, meet a lot of people who change my life, traveling to a lot of places..And see that there are many suffering and struggling out there.

So, to get to where I am is a long process. So trust me you are not alone and you're not a freak. you are a wonderful creation of God. You are loved. I am willing to be your friend. eventhough its just to listen and share experience..

The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God's eyes, called the Beloved from all eternity and held safe in an everlasting embrace... We must dare to opt consciously for our chosenness and not allow our emotions, feelings, or passions to seduce us into self-rejection.

Henri J. M. Nouwen

The above quote which you posted nearly a year ago, has moved me today. "even though I cannot feel it right now" ... thank you for all that you share ... we may be manifest differently, and yet I FEEL resonance with you ... many challenges before us and One in Whose hands we shall always be "held safe in an everlasting embrace". My love to you. And my gratitude for last year's Christmas gift ;-)

What a rough story, rickibrat... People can be so figgen cruel when it comes to something/someone that is perceived as being "different"... Makes me wanna crack some heads, starting with the step-father. What a piece of work he must have been...<br />
<br />
The whole story makes me sad...

my wifes story<br />
Not sure how many understand what it means to be a Hermaphrodite? Really it is just a label for a birth defect<br />
In 7the grade I acted as an escort for a new boy on his first day, it has had a never ending effect on me. We soon became best friends then went on to become BF and GF outside of school in school we were just best friends but when we left school we went back to what we were<br />
Just to look back on the pain in her life then, by being forced to live as something she was not, and was not even happy as. In fact she hated.<br />
<br />
Remember the look on her face in the 8th grade when I paid for her to go to a beauty shop, and get the whole works done so we could go to a spring dance, and she was the best looking girl at the dance that night, she had guys falling all over then self’s trying to dance wither that night<br />
Funny the same guys that were calling her names during the day now were almost fighting over dancing with her. But the only other boys she danced with were to ones from our small group.<br />
Later we had dragons painted on our bedroom wall by her. Roberta dragon was a pinkish blue color and flew thought lots of fog banks on the wall<br />
While the other wall was my dragon and it was a bluish purple, and it flew many fights with demons and the both made the turn on the far wall and started to twist and dance with each other as then flew into a cloud then flew out and up on the roof as a beautiful golden dragon that she said was us in love.<br />
The love we shared was unreal with each other it was very different, then what other kids thought love was about.<br />
Love when you do not have the right or same parts as others of your same sex is very hard she had no female parts as when she was born there were partly outside her body so a doctor removed them, she had what was called a sudo penis and most male infants have a bigger one. <br />
That does not mean she did not get turned on the same as other girls, and once we learned how to light that fire we had lots of fun with words and touching but sex was still a different story.<br />
While many thing kids our ages could not have that understanding. While we may have only been 12 years old we both had years of taking drugs which made our body age way faster than other kids.<br />
Few can understand the pain of thinking no one will ever love you or even understand you or you will never feel the love other share as you watch other kids look at each other but you know deep inside you what you are living is a fake.<br />
The pain you feel from being different in other ways from kids too so you are called names or hit and kicked for no reason other than you are standing there, to be playing in your own front yard and have other boys put a bag over your head and beat you up then drag out into a field and repeatedly rape you then they call you names as do other kids for what they did to you, to the point your mother just packs up and moves to a different city many miles from where she works.<br />
To have to start all over at a new school knowing it will happen again as you just stand out from other kids, you are a least a foot shorter than they are<br />
You have flaming red hair, you now walk funny you now have a fear of others almost to a panic attack each time someone comes near you, to know that someday others will learn how different you are even in the smallest way like going to the bathroom you were diapers, and as soon as other learn that you will become the ob<x>ject of attack both verbally and physical by others. Then you are made to sit in an office as your mother talks to the office, and this other boy walks in with also flaming red hair.<br />
<br />
You have no idea of the pain of her loss all these years ago, for no reason really the pain she had to have when her new step father forced her to go back to being a male with the threat of abuse to her mother, with her letters going unanswered as the letters were being removed and just through in a big box you feel abandoned by the one you loved for over 5 years.<br />
<br />
she was killed at age 19

oh dear Goddha!

Thank you for sharing your story and I know that must of been hard for you to live through but there is always a reason god has us all go through things in life. This is another example. I believe you are brave and very have a great deal to offer. I would like to know more about you as a person so please continue to write about life experiences.

Thank so much...

Hi. I normally dont reply to boards on the internet. Your story though really struck a few chords within me. I really feel for you and what you went through growing up in confusion and dissapointment. I too experience similar childhood. I not quite as brave as you in describing all i went through. I just know how you felt growing up. Today i have come to terms with myself and actually feel blessed in a way. I am just very androgynous, for lack of a better word. It in a way like being exempt from gender and only becomes awkward when i am actually asked questions concerning gender. If i am asked point blank, are you a man or a woman, I would be literally stumped not knowing what to reply. happens quite often with children. they are so curious and brutilly honest with no fear of asking that question. Depending on how i think i look on that particular day influences my reply. Some times i wish there was a better term for us. Over all I am happy. My mother says to me once, i have a davide bowie syndrome. He was very androgynous apearing in his youth. It made me smile because i use to have such the crush on him. Anyway. i want to thank you for sharing and want you to know your not alone in how you felt growing up and how you may feel today becouse of that. Reading you post has helped me in not feeling so alone.

Lianli: you really are not alone, and I hope you find friends here who help you feel more at peace with yourself. The statistics are that somewhere between two and four per cent of births give rise to physical gender ambiguity (quite aside from what happens later at puberty or what gender brain you have). Imagine 50 people you know: maybe two of them are not as definitively M or F as we are led to believe - and that's just the physical manifestation of gender.

Knowing that any of my experience has helped you in anyway, makes me happy. You are not alone. i used to feel that way, but not anymore!

WE are not alone!

hi i am looking for a hermaphrodite women to love ..

if you would be interested in an older person i am willing to be your friend<br />
<br />
i really do understand where you are coming from <br />
<br />
my wife was sort of the same way but she was forced to be brought up as a boy in the outside would her only safe place was her house or bed room till we became friends<br />
<br />
and i know we were young but we never stopped loving each other even after her death<br />
<br />
if you would like to hear more please let me know<br />
<br />
i really am a nice person i do have my house and manywill tell you way too many boy toys

it is a twin that formed witht hen main body and you share some of the same stuff but you can also have dual DNA<br />
<br />
my wife was born with part of her organs out side her body so the doctor removed them and told her mother to just bring her up a boy<br />
<br />
she was never happy as boy and shehad to live too lifes in the house or her yard she could be the girl she was out side shehad to be a boy<br />
we had been friends sense 7 th grade and i had spent many weekend with him and his mother for the last year or so<br />
we evgen took bath with each other all the time and i knew he body was different but i never guessed how different<br />
<br />
i knew over the last few months we had kissed each other a few time when we thoguht the other was asleep and there was nothingbetter then sleeping with him in my arms<br />
the next weekend we were going away so i went on thursday night i iknew there was an issue all day at school<br />
then his mother snet himto get his his bath as she said she want to talk with me i was almost in tears when she held me and told me the truth a few latershe called robeta out of the room and she came out bouncing and doing flips right in to my arms yell catch me which i did and we never looked back<br />
over the next few month we went from best friends that night to BF and GF and with in a few months to lovers<br />
i had a prblem at home one sunday when they took me home and ran away and the next day her mother became my mother and we never looked back for 7 years<br />
<br />
we were married on 12/27/.1961 she was killed a few years later and i ahve never gotten over her loss and the facther mother killed her self thinking botht he kids she loved were dead as i had been reporte killed in action

I am going to see my doctor tomorrow to get hormones and ask about intersex

no rejection here friend i wish u love and happiness

Thanks

you may be something ever rarer a parsitic twin

what do you mean?

Sesame: never think of yourself as less than whole. A huge number of people are outside the definitions of "normal" and it causes a lot of confusion and heartache. Conditions that give rise to relationship problems are particularly stressful, but it isn't only the beautiful and "successful" that find partners and friends, or take up parenting roles.<br />
<br />
You too are a special person, with your own gifts, and you too are attractive, with or without a complete set of whatever would set you one side of the gender divide or other. By now you should see that EP is full of people "on the fence" or sitting very close to it!<br />
<br />
Accept and love yourself, with what you do have, and having found your peace, let others find you. They will. Just don't try to squeeze yourself into your own stereotypical image of what you think you "should" be, because it will not fit. Celebrate your uniqueness.<br />
<br />
(And by the way, god has nothing to do with it.)

Thanks fullcircle. no one ever said I am special before. means a lot.

I read your story, too, with sadness at the confusion you must have faced in your life. We all have struggles, but yours seem to go to the root of who you are, and for that I hope you peace in knowing that we all have something that we are meant to do on this green Earth, and you path is going to be very special. <br />
<br />
I'm sure you've considered it, but I'll mention it anyway. Adoption is a great way to have that part of your life fulfilled, even if not a biological child of your own. So many children need our help to get out of the miserable situations they find themselves in institutionally. You're the perfect parent-in-waiting if you can just explore that system and make your need to be whole known. Yes, it might be more fulfilling to have a life partner and share that joy with them, but don't sell yourself short if you have the capacity for loving some other unloved entity that is starting their life with some of the same trials & tribulations you yourself have faced.<br />
<br />
I hope you find peace in life and love forever.<br />
<br />
ABDreamz

Thank you! you don't know how much your kind words means to me. God bless you.

Hi seeker 832,<br />
<br />
thanks for your kind words.<br />
<br />
I hope it's true.<br />
<br />
God bless you

Hi young lady.<br />
<br />
Just finished reading your letter and hope this may help you a little anyway. I know you feel alone or asking God why did He make you that way. But I look at it as your a very special woman, you are not like all the rest, you truly are special. Why? well maybe there is a young guy out there that wants and need a woman like you to help him meet a deeper need that a so-called normal woman couldn't meet. Maybe in that respect he can become the man you both want because he feels wanted, needed and more fulfiled than he could ever be without you.

hi my name is gerald i herd of you lady have specle gift i never met one yet . i think it is cool about it and would like to meet one some day. i would like to make new friends so i am asking if you want to make new friends if every thing works out maybe more in relationship i am not asking you out yet all i am asking is to be friends first

Sure. I would love to. Tell me about yourself

Did you ever get a diagnosis of exactly what your condition is from all the tests? Feel free to not answer, but I am a curious person. I don't know you, but I am a fan of your story and what you represent.

Yes, What i got called swyer syndrome. Thanks for the support :)

For the most part, the people on EP tend to be sympathetic.<br />
<br />
One of your sisters might be a close enough genetic match for an ovary transplant depending on the health of the rest of your system.<br />
<br />
I wish you good luck with whatever decision you make.

Thanks. EP is really a wonderful website. I found kindness from strangers. I'm going to the doctor again and I don't know what to decide. still finding out. :)

Dear 4vrUnique,<br />
<br />
Thanks so much for your email. <br />
I thought I am gonna received nasty reply from anyone read this, but you proved me wrong.<br />
<br />
Thanks for the link. I am reading right now and I found it very useful :)<br />
<br />
I admit I am not fully aware of my situation. There is no one I can trust to talk to..or I just to ashamed to talk about it..<br />
<br />
I am just afraid of being rejected..<br />
<br />
Thanks once again,

You're welcome. Rejection seems to be common from the ignorant trying to seem important.

From what I understand Hermaphrodite is a vulgar or ignorant term. You are intersexed. You have both male and female sexual organs at the same time. You are NOT alone. Gender is a relative term and there are people of a variety in between experiences. You just haven't heard of or spoke to them.<br />
<br />
I watched a documentary by The Discovery Channel (ba<x>sed in the US) about intersexed people and their experiences. I can't seem to find that documentary right now (of course, I'm looking for it). I did though find some scientific information you may find interesting. Let me know if it helped.<br />
<br />
http://healthguide.howstuffworks.com/intersex-dictionary.htm<br />
<br />
I also found the website for the 'Intersex Society of North America (ISNA)': http://www.isna.org/

I am what you would say "intersexed" and I do not find the term hermaphrodite vulgar. I find this word accurate and am proud to be a Hermaphrodite, after all, I have been one all my life and its only all these insensative bastards who like to make a big deal out of nothing that actually think the term Hermaphrodite is insensative, politically incorrect, and as you put it vulgar.

Okay. I didn't mean to be hurtful, just informative.