My Identical Twin Brother Died Last Week

I'm 18, have no mother nor father.  Mom died at birth, my grandmama ran my dad off shortly after.  My twin died last week in an traffic accident, he pushed me out of harms way.  We are very close, inseparable in all ways.  I lost my best friend, my workout partner, the one person who understood everything about me.  Every word nearly duplicated, every move, every laugh, every fear.   I want my brother back, I see him in the mirror every morning, I reach out to touch him and its cold, as cold as it was when he died in my arms.  Everyone tells me they no what I going through, when they can't imagine, and they're constantly asking me if I'm OK, like they can do anything.   I can't sleep, my heart hurts, I've cried till my eyes will not tear anymore, I hide in the corner hoping this all is a horrible dream, but I don't wake up.  Every door that opens, I jump expecting to find him, I smell him...I can't breathe, I just can't breathe without him...I want to die so bad, every minute is a life time 
Ericrodgers Ericrodgers
16 Responses Jan 20, 2012

My name is Donnie. I lost my twin brother April 13. Just looking for answers on how to deal with the pain. I hurt so bad right now. Came so close to commiting suicide the other day. Just to stop the pain. But I am married with 4 beautiful kids. I could not put them threw that. I see my brother every day when I look in the mirror. I am lost and looking for answers.

First, I am so moved by all of these responses. The sharing of similar experiences, especially in the midst of pain, is such a brave and healing experience. I am a twin and also an artist. I am currently in the planning process of creating a film with twinless twins. If anyone is interested in speaking further about their experience, please message me.
Until then, my peace and prayers.

I lost my identical twin sister three years ago in a car accident. I lost my nan on the same day in the morning, and my twin in the afternoon. I have been through many emotions - and have recently spoken to a radio station about my experiences. I would be happy to be a part of your film. You can drop me a message - I'm better on email - hannah@thesafefoundation


I don't know how I came across this, I'm an identical twin. I can't even imagine what your feeling. I hope you're doing better. I'm here if u need to vent.

I lost my twin brother a month before our 21st birthday. It's been 14 months and 5 days now. People say they understand, but they don't. Every birthday that goes by, every easter, every Christmas, it feels cold and empty. Our biggest rival, most trusted confidant, best friend gone. When a literal part of you has been ripped away, and half of you has died it isn't like losing a parent or friend, THIS hurt doesn't go away, it doesn't get better or easier over time, you don't get used to it. In the end you become mechanical, living your half life, never brig able to get any sleep, because when do sleep you dream of him, of holding him and laughing and fooling around and having the deep conversations that you could have with no one else, but you have to wake up, and when you wake up you are ripped away from him and placed back into a reality where he doesn't exist anymore and the pain is just as bad as when you lost him the first time. But you fight, you fight and you live the best life that you can possibly live, because you KNOW that he wouldn't want you to give up, you know that wherever he is, he is cheering for you, your biggest fan, in both his world and the next, and one day, when you die he's going to grab ahold of you and hug you tight, sit you down, give you a cold one and ask you to tell him the story of the rest of your life, of laughter, of love, of the time you held his nephew or niece for the first time, and also of the sad times, so that he can finally comfort you like he so desperately wanted. And you will be whole once more. Much love and respect bro.

i am literally crying right now reading all of these responses. my name is grace, and my twin brother andrew died a long time ago, but i still feel like i'm missing something every singe day. i knew him so well...he was my best friend. i just miss him so much. i can't tell you that the pain will go away, i'm not even gonna tell you that you can deal with it. the truth is, not all twins walk side by side...some have wings to fly.

aww mssg mee

I lost my twinsister 4th of november 2012. She just gave birth to her son, and died a few weeks after. Its a day i never ever forget. The grieve is terrible. Nobody cant realy understand how i feel. Only if u are an identical twin. She was 30. Now i am 32. And still the pain is awful. Hard to deal with. I so feel ur pain. I feel comfort in the thought that i will meet her again.

My name is Marilyn , I'm 19 years old ... I lost my twin brother at the age of 10. Till this day I still feel very empty! As if no one will ever replace the bond we had. I developed horrible anxiety shorty after his death and have been dealing with it until now. You are not alone ! We are together and they are with us !

My name is Sean and I am a twin too. I lost my brother Shane when I was younger, he had a heart problem and didn't make it through the surgery. Losing a twin is a pain that no one will ever understand. You lose your other half and your best friend. I won't say I understand what you are goin through, no one ever will. It's a pain no one can ever understand. What I will say is that ur not alone. Just know ur brother is watching over you everyday. Live your life for him, make him proud and be a better man for him and for yourself. Work hard and be the best you can be, and always know, know matter what decisions you make he will be by your side every step of the way.

I get it! I notice you are coming up on one year. You have my utmost respect for getting through this year! only another twin could ever know the depth of grieving you have experienced!

Though my brother is still alive, I came here because I have nearly lost Mark four times for different reasons and the last time was six years ago with an event that included brain surgery. Still have my brother; no longer have an identical twin. The side of his brain that was me (we are mirror twins) is the side that was paralyzed. He no longer gets me AT ALL. He has recovered soooo much, but the twin thinking and connection has been severed. Like you, I sometimes can't breath I miss him so much. And he totally doesnt get that, which is even more mind bending... He is still here but, also like you he is not. I know you know I'm not saying we have the same circumstance, but you must know how deeply I identify with the absence. Especially your "mirror" reference. Just know that it has gotten easier to accept but the sudden aloneness is profound and as intense as you think it is. ...warm hand on your back, man. I'll look for your shares. Hope you find all the support you deserve and need.


My heart breaks for you!
You've been so much!
I pray God give you peace, and comforts you!

Your brother pushed you from harms way, not for you to suffer, but to be ok.


When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not here for you to see,
if the sun should rise and find your eyes,
filled with tears for me.

I wish so much you wouldn't cry,
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things
we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.

When tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I am right there in your heart.

I don't know who wrote this poem.

im 32 my identical twin brother took his own life earlier this year i do understand

I feel your pain so much,exactly how you feel, serious coincident, my name is also Eric, but last name starts with a "P", I'm on facebook, no lie, my brothers name is Alex, And I'm trying to find people to relate to as well so I can confide and get some closure and relief, I'm looking for a way out, a place of comfort, a paradise, I crave the curiosity of death ever since, I want to see what my twin brother is seeing exactly right now, I believe in the energy of life, and I hope my brother is within anti matter waiting for me, so we can move onto another lifetime together and live a fuller one, with less karma, for so help me Great Divine, for the fear of there being nothing but darkness after death, strike me down now, I will join my brother in silence, for some can see, there can be happiness in the pitch of nothingness, for if you are nothing you would not know you where nothing, me and my brother would always say, we say spirit is eternal, we are energetic consciousness of knowledge and I would hope to believe something of this nature, like the long island medium, I hope she ain't psychic though, I feel she is true though and I would hope and believe so, but I just know my brother he is ok, safe and happy, I can hear him, I can feel him, I can still sense him, he is far , but he still exists, I believe he is showing me signs in the physical world, he is on the other side in the light with everyone who is passing in each moment, he has returned home to the cycle and balance of life, but either way what ever's on the other side is going to be ok...I just know its a place of Love, I can feel it, My twin brother passed away a few weeks ago, the second of August...most f*cked up moment of my short 17 year old life, I like exploded out screaming and running across the field, I wouldn't put his stuff down for days, it was really hard doing things, and making interactions with other people, but i didn't know what to do but just sit there and burn in scents after in scents to his picture, after you've drained your tears, it feels numb and empty, and then life seems to role by like a movie or dream your trying to wake up from, you say one answer responses, mostly yes or no to pretty much everything, then you feel like its either death sooner or later, or wait for a new meaning to come into your life, but yet you still over analyze, you think to much, your so paranoid you make up excuses for every opportunity because you feel it may be some sort of plus, but then again a horrible downfall in some area's that could mess you up again, you might go mad thinking death just might be headed for you next, that loving people is so hard because in the end you lose everyone, you contemplate not wanting to be social or be too attached to family anymore because the fear of losing another and having to grieve through these energies of loss once again, then now your just sad and confused about everything, and life seems so grey, I really don't know but I hope this helps, but the ironic thing is, I'm looking for help, I'm trying to see a bright side and not be ungrateful, I'm already a bit crazy, I'm like nuts and bolts trying to survive these days to treat myself better, and behave well, I bark a lot now, but the other thing is, I hate my see this could almost be a stupid scenario right from a movie screen, This even freaks me out, a month before this happened, I've been having weird premonitions and signs of deaths, I told my brother about everything, even the littlest details in my dreams, we talked about everything from relation aspects of being human to the controversial wars of society, These dreams and signs I've been having, I felt as if they where all targeted towards me like my time was running out, I told my brother, he is much more of a positive guy than I am, I mean I'm positive, but not so much, he was almost fearless, I have so much anxieties and fears of the world, you know what they say, better safe than sorry, remember to always think twice, and hey the the big world ain't peaches and creme, anyways, he hated when I had depressing thoughts, but it was something different i told him, I said I keep seeing myself dead in my dreams, he didn't like to talk about things like that, no one does, death seems scary, and he never wanted to know until he lived enough, he basically said i was acting suicidal and that I was being ungrateful and unsatisfied with life, then this became an odd thing i kept mentioning that wouldn't keep off my mind, few weeks later, he came to me telling me he is starting to feel scared because of the things i said, it got him thinking he could die, I told him if any one is dieing it's going to be me, sometimes I dream and I said I feel as if I did something wrong in a past life and maybe in this life I might have to make up for it, but then he started rambling on about how he felt the exact same way, but then again we are twins, as a joke he took pictures on his ipod of in case i did die, he said i should make a bucket list or a last notes in case i ever did, he said he made one last year...and i now have week near the end of summer we had summer jobs working in Alberta with family, I was fighting with my brother all this week about stupid stuff brothers fight about, but I remember I did apologize at the end of the week because I felt guilty for saying some things...well he got his second pay at the end of the week, he was eager and excited, because my uncle hadn't been paying him that right up until then, so he wanted to go to the store, get a fresh haircut, new manga books which he was really excited for his next issue, new clothes and a pair of shoes, simple as that, it was a windy day, I'm a shy private sort of guy who doesn't like going in public to much...but i knew the area well, he had been staying at my uncles working and i had been at my aunts, he was sleeping over lately because my uncle wasn't being so friendly, but he did get his pay so right in the afternoon around 12 he was eager to go to the stores...he asked me if i wanted to go, he said he would pay for a new haircut, I said nah maybe a different day, he asked for directions, and i told him it was an easy walk up the highway into town, a long straight road that had all the places if you kept going further into town and you'll see, I knew he was smart and could figure it out...someone in the house even offered him a drive but they said he would have to wait till later though, but he said...he didn't want to wait, almost like he really needed to go.. so he left out the door, then the person changed there mind and said they could drive him now up town, I went out to look for him, I even walked up the rural farm streets a bit, but he was no where in sight, so I said forget it, later I contemplated on this moment, that maybe if i went up the street further I could have saw him and stopped him from going, could i have really changed the fate of death, or would death still find you in a different way even if i did change the fate, things i really don't know...half an hour after 12 noon, he died, I didn't realize something was wrong till 2 pm when i saw an ambulance at the train tracks downs by the highway cut off, I thought someone had gotten into a car accident, but then i instantly got a fearsome thought, that, I hope my brother didn't walk on the train tracks thinking he could get to the store, I didn't know what happened when i saw the ambulance, I just hoped the people where alright, I went back in after and took a nap, I woke up around 5 or 6 pm, I woke up in the most gloomy atmosphere, it was so cold, family members where home asking where my brother was, I realized he left at 12 and it was now 5, I got so scared, several minutes later my aunt came rushing home saying someone got hit by a train in our area she heard on the radio with no identification, my brother didn't have his identification with him, she kept asking where is your brother, almost in tears i said he left around 12 and i don't know why he's not back, i said in a sobbing tone, we all got scared everyone was calling the police stations and one of my uncles headed to the station to find out who it soon as it turned 7 pm, I knew all the stores were closed, he left at 12 noon...he was gone hours ago, he was gone around 12:30 pm the paramedics said...I thought he was taking the highway, but he thought the train tracks could lead him up town, he was walking along the side of the tracks listening to his new ipod touchscreen he had just bought, he thought the whole train sizes where all boxed and the probably the same sizes, so he could walk easily along side when a train did come and let it pass by, and one did, but this train had oil tanks, he didn't know it expanded out further along the sides, a train is like a fast moving treadmill, it may appear slow, but in retrospect its going fast, just like how you think your treadmill is at an appropriate speed, but when you get on it, it whips you back, you've tripped and your at the back of the treadmill maybe hurt...he almost made it into town, just a few more feet, but instead as the train was going by, and he walk along side, a larger part was coming from behind, he didn't think it would reach out and touch him, so as he strolled along side listening to his ipod...he got clipped by the larger train piece as it rattled in approach, he went flying ten feet down a ditch, his skull was cracked and bled out his brain, they said it was painless, but they don't know if the train or fall cracked his skull, but most likely the train, he was gone within half an hour...I dream a lot in the mornings, that morning I had a dream someone was drowning in a bathtub, and i couldn't save them, no matter how hard i tried to pull them out...I guess that dream was about my brother, I just thought it was another weird death dream I had been having, dreams aren't suppose to be real...I have such an tremendous amount of guilt, I feel my decisions in choices and actions got him killed, i have so much regrets, maybe if i was a more loving protecting brother, i would have said yes and went with him, maybe if i just went up the street a little more i could have caught him for that drive...i feel like ****, and i miss him a whole lot, I'm sorry dude, I hope this makes you kind of feel better, even though I'm looking for support myself. Cherish each day and moment peeps, always look up and live positive, believe the world is a place of endless possibility, believe in your dreams, I want to do that for my brother but i don't know where to start with myself, how can i accomplish your dreams through my body, and what would be the point. <br />
Hope you do ok dude, because I'm barley hanging on as well XD maybe everyone on the other side know each other, maybe my twin met your twin already, or maybe many welcomed my twin home, may much love and peace be within your life time my friend, I hope to have strength to keep going as well, when i feel like crying, which men shouldn't do but that's bull, i just pretend or actually just believe that my bro is right beside me, patting my back on the other side, and telling me its going to be okay and fine. :) <3 <3 love and peace to all spirits of Earth! <3

so in relation, spiritually, I kind of feel like I was suppose to die, but I guess my brother prayed harder to keep family safe then i did, so I kind of feel similar, that my brother might have changed my fate by wishing upon my safety instead of me doing that for him, who knows how these things really work, but yours sound much more scary and traumatic and I share your pain, but I could possibly not live watching my brother die in my arms, I didn't see him die, and would never want to, I would kill myself but death is scary... but i saw his body which was really horrible, then we had to cremate him, which thinking about a burning body is horrible....depressing... but my love goes out to you, I feel so very sorry you had to go through it the way it happened, your brothers a hero, and mine is to me as well :) you think your the protective twin, until your saved in the end. We all die in the end my friend, we all see each other again no matter what century or Era. I might not be in a good state of mind as well, and I don't know if i can do this well either, but time will heal...and so i hope. &lt;3 much love friend :)

Wow, what a tremendously generous share!!!!!!! Your loss, even as the first anniversary just passed, must still be perfectly fresh. Your loss gives me so much perspective as my brother is still alive, but is recovering from a near death experience and brain damage that has made being his identical twin even more challenging--for some of the brotherly reasons you mentioned--but also for the impossible to describe connect that is gone.

I feel very blessed to have heard you and ask the spirits who love me to strengthen your brothers ability to be present for you, to reach through in ways you can feel as warm, strong, hopeful hugs--those things you must miss most. Ask him to help you be open to his positive energy and I am certain that somehow a conduit will open for you! Spiritual connect, if nothing else, is at the center of being a twin after all.


iam so sorry for ur lose!! ((hugs))) i lost a brother, he was only 9 at the time ..<br />
<br />
time has helped me to separte my self from the pain.... <br />
<br />
i also have twin brothers but they are not identical..... <br />
<br />
like u i could feel my brother.... i would see someone who looked like him at his age.... and think it was him.... <br />
<br />
to this day i can still hear his voice.....

my brother who past on looked a lot like me ...... we favored each other more then any one n the family.... i get what u say !

RIP Eric....<br />
<br />
Hope you find some comfort there.