I Am A Surviving Twin From A Teen Tradegy

I am an identical twin born in 1959 in Germany, by military parents. We were identical in every way, redheads and freckled. Though we were not mirror twins, we were similar in personality and mannerism. There were differences of course. She more of a social butterfly, and me, more of loner. Sue was great at piano and poetry. I loved the easel, paint brush and journals. Together we created some really memorable pieces for our mother to treasure.

About two years ago I lost my Mom to lung cancer and found there was no one left in my life her knew my sister, Susan.  I am estranged from my father. I married my second husband, and my kids were all born after her death at age 18. Not even my wonderful children ever knew her. 

I live with the heartbreak of losing my mother - the only person in my life who knew my sister too. I no longer live in Colorado where we all grew up. So no friends to recall high school memories with. All my cousins, aunts and uncles live in otter states across the country and have lives of their own.  I have very few pictures of us, since my big sister and brother ransacked Mom's house before I could there to claim mementos.

The other tragedy of all this, is that her death caused our family to sort of fall apart.  It was tragic and too much for teenagers to deal with. Since Susan and I sort of paired off, my big sister and younger brother did the same. And  throughout our childhood and unfortunately into adulthood they continued to do so, even after her death. So  I have been observing life from outside with them. Never asked to visit or make attempts to see me or my kids.

So this is what happened: At the age of 18 I had miscarried my first pregnancy. I had been married about a year and a half. But the good news was that Susan was expecting her first baby too. After I felt better and was able to overcome my grief, one afternoon I asked if I could take her shopping for baby clothes. We were to make a day of it.

She married a laborer and lived in a sort of, well, rough part of town. I was married to a tradesman and lived in my own home by the age of 18. Our lives were polar opposite of each other. It did not matter. Our love and sisterhood surpassed all that stuff. When arriving to her apartment, I waited on the couch for her to finish putting on her make up, while sitting on the floor. She was telling me of the neighborhood men that were threatening her and her husband daily. The two of them were white and living in an ethic area of Denver. Being  told they were not welcome, explained why a gun was laying on the table.

I knew nothing of guns, and out of curiosity picked it up and pulled the trigger, not knowing it was loaded, accidentally shot and killed my only friend. I shot her in the side of the head. She died instantly.  I will never forget those terrible moments. In my mind it always palys out in tormenting slowi motion:  the blood, my screaming for help and the limp body that once was my sister.  It's been 32 years.  I still feel the race of my heart and the tears well up in my eyes every time. I miss her terribly, and feel so alone. Half of me is gone!

My mother did what best she could deal with it, trying to help one twin move on with such a remorseful life long issue, a painful memory to bear, and still allow herself to grieve, without showing me her pain. How conflicting g for her. About a year after her death, mom had a nervous breakdown and was admitted to the hospital for a time. She did okay and picked up, dong the best she could to carry on.  She was so kind and so gentle with me and made my life less painful. I was so blessed by her love and protection.

So as I said before, I am now living a life with no one that knew Susan. There are times, I feel as though that was another person and being a twin was not real. Grieving the loss of my dear Mother has left me even more empty and alone, knowing there is no one else that I can share memories with about Susan and our special twin stories. 

I have faith in God and know that through the belief in Christ I will see them again. But my human flesh cries out about the grief and the pain of it all. I find myself still asking her: Did it hurt? I am so sorry? Do you forgive me? Do you remember me?

God has given strength to go on and the ability to feel grief like no one else in my family. I can be sensitive to the death process and try hard to let people know I care sincerely for them. But how do I get the pain erased? Where do I go with all this pain and how do we fix the broken thing inside me? 

yogibearmama yogibearmama
46-50, F
4 Responses Mar 10, 2010

Props to you.. I would've retaliated by aiming the gun at my own head immediately after. You're strong. Honestly, I envy your strength. Keep your head high.<br />
I'm sorry for the pain you carry, though. Best wishes.

Wow.. Thats horrible..but youre still alive and that...thats definitely saying something. im not exactly religious or anything, but i promise you..if theres a heaven then shes waiting. watching. i dont know what id do without my brother...

Oh my God that's so sad!

oh my god, yogi. you pulled my tears out of my eyes that have been trying to hold back, to be strong, to live with my deck of cards that are being dealt out to me. that saying, god gives you no more than you can handle????? that is a very hard card to swallow. since my dawn (daughter) died, it took me a while not to be angry with god and jesus. even though i knew that they didnt do it. we are supposed to take heed to warnings and hints and gut feelings, but we dont always do. thus tradgedy or what ever. i can imagine that losing a twin is a devastating as losing a child. my feelings go out to you. i am closing my eyes and just thinkng of you and hopefully you can feel the warm that is coming your way. <3 ( i really did close my eyes. and i didnt correct any typos) keep on hanging on - its all we can do, cause what else? the rest of those who do want us? well we do it for them as well as your susan and my dawn. and us. even though we feel guily. right? guilty to be happy and guilty to be here. omg. anytime u need a friend, look me up.