In The Captains Face

Quite frequently in the military we would be required to take a urinalysis. Very often, at about five in the morning we would get a wake-up call and be required to line up to contribute our samples. There was a certain Capt. who was certain that my quirky behavior patterns were the results of illicit drug use. My tests had always come back negative and he had convinced himself that I had devised a method of eluding the test, so he had taken it upon himself to personally supervise my contribution. Normally noncommissioned officers carry out this duty and lacking experience in this area the captain neglected to don the surgical gloves that are normally worn to prevent urine from getting on the fingers when handling the sample. When I noticed this I concocted a plan to overfilled the container and contaminate the captain's fingers, but when I unzipped and whipped it out he placed his face within 4 inches of my male member. Quite frankly I found it embarrassing and humiliating as I had never had a man's face that close to my private parts. Well, I wasn't so embarrassed that I could not perform as it was very early in the morning and I had to go pretty bad, so I let go of a gushing stream and aimed toward the bottle. I noticed that when the stream hit the rim of the bottle that it would spray on to the captain's glasses, so I began experimenting with directing the stream so that it would provide the captain with what I felt he needed at the time. Like the good trooper that he was, the captain wiped his glasses and continued to observe with his face in close proximity to the source of the golden liquid he was after. Of course I topped the container off and wetted the outside as well as per my original plan.

Exiting the latrine I spotted some of my team members and sought solace from them by sharing the events of my humiliating experience. Their laughter aroused the curiosity of everyone around so I was forced to share the story with them. Needless to say they were driven to laughter as well and when the captain exited the latrine he was greeted by this cacophony. Although the captain was not very bright I don't think it was beyond him to derive the source of this laughter.

About a month later I was told to report to the captain's office. I knocked at his door, entered as he told me and reported by saluting, all in perfect accordance with military procedures.

"Staff Sgt. Jody I just wanted to inform you that your urine sample has come back", he said and paused to watch my reaction. "I just wanted you to know that it came back negative".

I lost it. I had forgotten all about the events of the morning when he collected the sample. I was puzzled as to why he felt it necessary to inform me of a negative result, for this is not customary. "No ****, Sir", I replied, "I have a secret trick".

The captain was infuriated. "What is it? What did you do? I want to know what your trick is!", he fumed.

"I don't do any drugs", I said, without adding the obligatory "Sir" and left his office without being dismissed or saluting.
aboutjody aboutjody
46-50, M
1 Response Jul 20, 2010

Thought you'd like it. Thank you