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Things Not To Say To A Military Significant Other

1. "Aren't you afraid that he'll be killed?"
This one comes in at number one on the "duh" list for every military wife. Of course we're afraid. We're terrified. The thought always lingers in the backs of our minds -- but thanks, brilliant, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they're scared of dying.

2. "I don't know how you manage. I don't think I could do it."
This is intended to be a compliment, but it's just a little annoying. Here's why: It's not like all of us military wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we'd get to be anxious single moms who carry cellphones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We're not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable; we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So, we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.

3. "At least he's not in Iraq."
This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are in Afghanistan. What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? An international game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over there.

4. "Do you think he'll get to come home for Christmas / anniversary / birthday / birth of a child / wedding / family reunion, etc.?"
Don't you watch the news? No! They don't get to come home for any of these things. Please don't ask again.

5. "What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he's gone?"
Short answer: try to keep my sanity. Maybe there's a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves, but I have yet to meet her. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don't get bored, and drinking massive amounts of wine always helps keep me busy.

6. "How much longer does he have until he can get out?"
This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren't counting down the days until they "can" get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to Iraq because there is work that needs to be done.

7. "This deployment shouldn't be so bad, now that you're used to it."
Sure, we do learn coping skills, and it's true the more deployments you've gone through, the easier dealing with it becomes. And we figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets "easy" and the bullets and bombs don't skip over our guys just because they've been there before. The worry never goes away.

8. "My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you're going through."
This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband's three-week trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 12–15-month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an IED (improvised explosive device), your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12-month combat deployment to a business trip is like comparing a Ford Taurus with a Mercedes convertible.

9. "Wow, you must miss him."
This one also gets another big "duh". Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not, and they're now divorced.

10. "Where is he exactly? Where is that?"
I don't expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by now that it's in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his home area. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for nine years and at war in Iraq for seven years. These basic facts are not secrets, they're on the news every night and in the papers every day -- and on maps everywhere.

11. "Well, he signed up for it, so it's his own fault whatever happens over there."
Yes, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid, ignorant comments like that. He didn't sign up and ask to be hit by anything -- he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that "You're welcome." He's still fighting for your freedom.

12. "Don't you miss sex? I couldn't do it!"
Hmmm. Seriously ... military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn't withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.

13. "Well, in my opinion ..."
Stop right there. I didn't ask for your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a restaurant when I'm out with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our butts off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are inviting them to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the president. Especially while we're trying to heat up our Lean Cuisine in the crappy office microwave.
Last but not least ...

14. "Oh, that's horrible ... I'm so sorry!"
He's doing his job and he's tough. Don't be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our military fights the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad and you stay safe.


***This story was told to Stephanie Gaskell by Kristina Tipton. Tipton, married to a Navy Seabee who has deployed three times, including a tour in Iraq, is stationed in Naples, Italy. She and her husband, Tim, have two children. This story originally appeared on The War Report.***
anotherinnocent anotherinnocent 22-25, F 13 Responses Apr 14, 2011

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i think sometimes people just don't know what to say. They respect your spouse for his service, but they too, may be uncomfortable and try to ask polite questions. this obviously does not apply to all people or all questions. all the best to you and yours

As an Air Force veteran I know what you mean! My ex-wife (obviously while we were still married) went through what you described. Its not easy.

I have always said, military families have it harder than the ones who are deployed. at least that was always true with my family

brilliant, i don't have a partner in the military, but i totally understand how annyoing it is when people say stuff that is innappropriate, grating and insensitive when it's the last thing you want to hear. hope you got good feedback for it lol spell it out nice and clear. wish you the best with everything and good wishes to ur hubby and all the brave men out there.

It's just a stupid question to ask isn't it? lol

Love your responses to #11 and 13! <br />
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The whole thing though is great. Almost a pre-read prior to talking to a military spouse. We do appreciate what you as spouses do for us. My wife is awesome.

well in 20 years you might understand what i am sayinghope you do but right now guess your too young to understand it

It's not what people say at funerals!!!! You didn't read it correctly at all!!!!! He isn't dead, I am not collecting any benefits. It is what people say when your significant other is deployed! You shouldn't comment on things you obviously didn't read! I didn't lose anyone. DEPLOYMENTS are difficult and these are the things people say to the wives, girlfriends, and fiances of the men who are deployed. We would prefer people not to say this to us while our S.O. is away at war. NONE OF THE GIRLFRIENDS, WIVES OR FIANCES FEEL SORRY FOR THEMSELVES! THAT'S THE POINT, READ IT AGAIN IN IT'S ENTIRETY. OTHERWISE DON'T COMMENT ON IT AT ALL!

yes i read it its like things people say to you at furueauls you smile and say thank you and move on whats the bib deal he was not drafted he joined for that i am proud of him but you are getting gov benafits for your saricifes i do feel for you in some ways but am not sorry that you are being told theses things will make you a stronger person i see that your very young so maybe you will grow up and again i do hope you and yours the very best

Ah Yes, Gov't bennefits. They are so great. TriCare (military health benefits) suck ***. Military personnel are paid 30 days a month. that's it, woo hoo i got an extra day's pay last month, so 12 x 30 is 360 days a year. So we work a week for free to protect your ignorance.
My 6 month deployment lasted 14 months.
BTW i'm National Guard, which means I have a civilian job, oh wait, I lost it and went 13 months w/o any pay due to being injured on my 3rd deployment for YOUR freedom and security. My wife didn't sign up for that when she married me.

AKA read the damned story again dumbass!

TO marko6869 your answer doesn't make any sense! Did you read this at all?

I always feel awkward saying "You're welcome". We aren't heros, we are just people who together as a couple stand up for what we believe in. I appreciate your gracious sentiments. :)

Just talk to me like normal. I guess that's the best way to put it. lol

Can you give us some pointers as to what we shuld say, to support you J.