Letter To My BoyfriendSoo.. it's extremely long
I know you don't wana hear this so I won't text you... or call you since it's 4am >.<;; I'm listening to this info-mercial and it's pitching a collection of 1940s music, most of which are love songs. Rather than watching, I was using the TV as background noise like always. The most bizarre thing happened, I started crying. Tears were running down my face with no sign of stopping and I still didn't know why. Honestly, there are very few reasons why I would cry; you could guess most of them I'm sure.
I was thinking about how miserable I'm going to be when you leave. You are the epitome of happiness in my life. I wasn't sad without you but that was because you made me realize how beautiful my world can be. This isn't how I normally am and I don't know how I'll survive when you leave. I wish I could find joy in just being me. Going about my day doing everything I should and would be doing without you seems impossible, extraneousness, so lonely. It's hard for me to not think about what I'm doing. This results in misery and longing for the day when I don't have to go to school, when I live on my own, when you're back from the air force. You've been in my every waking moment for seven months and I don't have the willpower nor the desire to wean myself off you. One day you'll be here and the next you'll be away. You here right now and if it could remain this way I would be ecstatic. But I can't be selfish and I would never ask you to stay.
I don't know why I'm repeating myself, you know everything I'm saying already. We've talked a million and one times about it. Plus you don't like when I mention how sad I am. But before you go, I want to get this all off my chest so that I won't be tempted to tell you how blatantly depressed I am in letters. The next couple years... no, any period of time where you're gone seems like an endless blank calendar. A vastly stretching space of nothingness in which I'll be living off of my own thoughts. By that I mean I'll be thinking of you to keep myself sane. I hope I never forget your laugh or your touch.
Maybe you were expecting something sweet, short and simple like what I normally write you in notes and for this I apologize. You shouldn't have to bear the weight of my need for you. My impending emptiness is something I should be able to deal with on my own but I can't. That's another reason I'm scared of you leaving... I have no one to talk to. No one who I can be completely honest with. I'll go crazy. I will because no one cares enough to listen to my stupid dreams or what I watched last night or my random thoughts. You're so lucky to have the family you do.
Truly, I'm sorry for dumping this on you. I love you. And I'll be here waiting for you. When you've done the impossible and conquered the world remember that there's someone who's dying to hear all about it. <3
J0lty 18-21, F 5 Responses 1 Jan 7, 2011