Long Distance Love Between Canada And The US

I am a Canadian and my boyfriend is currently at tech school at Keesler AFB in Mississippi. We met in October and were able to make the long distance work with lots of emails, texts and Skype chats. He left for BMT on Dec. 4th, 2012 and graduated on Jan. 31st. I was able to fly down to San Antonio for his graduation even though I am currently in my 3rd year of biomechanical engineering and I work part time.

Things between us before he left for training were perfect. I thought I had found my man. I was able to meet his family over American Thanksgiving too. However, after working so hard and giving up so much to go see him in Texas, he was less than grateful. It was so frustrating because he wouldn't walk next to me, he didn't seem very interested in me sexually and the one day where we had together without his parents or grandparents, he was more interested in watching TV. I was really hurt but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to ruin his graduation experience.

I thought it was just an isolated incident but it has gotten even worse since he's been at tech school. He has access to his cell phone now and he barely talks to me. He will send me the occasional text but it will be something about tech school that annoys him. He doesn't seem to be interested at all in my life. On top of all of that, he refuses to be Facebook friends with me. It didn't bother me before he left for training but now it is. I feel like he doesn't acknowledge our relationship. I seem to be the one putting in all of the work and spending all of the money. I'm not a type of person to expect lavish gifts but I gave him and his 3 year old daughter Christmas presents before he left and I got nothing. He hasn't even tried to send me anything since being at tech school.

It is extremely difficult since when he finishes tech school at the end of April, he will be going back to the Syracuse, NY base. I will still be in Canada for school and work. I have at least 2-3 years left of my degree since I switched programs after a year and a half and very few of my credits transferred. I looked at transferring to Syracuse University because they have a very similar program there however the tuition is three times what I am paying here in Canada. I don't think I could afford that. I spoke to him about it but he was very clear that he would NOT want us living together so I figure there is no point in spending all of this extra money to go to school if I will just be seeing him on weekends, which is the same plan if I were to continue going to school in Canada.

Since Valentine's Day was only two days ago, it made this long distance relationship hurt even more. I was so upset with him and wanted to let him know how I was feeling. He tried to explain but it came down to, when he gets focused on something, that's all he thinks about which is tech school at the moment. He keeps telling me how little time he has and to understand that he can't message me everyday. I would believe him except for the fact that if he has time to update his status on Facebook, I think he has time to send me one text saying "I love you". He doesn't realize that I can see his uploaded pictures and status updates on Facebook. All of my friends say that he is hiding something from me but I just don't know.

To make things even more complicated, my one really good girl friend took me out for ice cream on Valentine's to cheer me up. A bunch of her friends were there too. We went out to a club after. One of her friends and I got along so well. He and I just seemed to click. He is in biotechnology at the college close by. Nothing happened between us but I can't seem to stop thinking about this new guy. It's such a hard decision because my life with my Airman would be an uphill battle until I am done school and there is no guarantee that I could find a job in Syracuse. But on the other hand, there is this really sweet guy who is Canadian and doesn't have a child and has a much more flexible future.

It is really difficult since in Canada, our military is very different. None of my family or friends have ever experienced this so I have no one to give me any advice who have gone through deployments or training. Any advice would be much appreciated.
ToffeeandZeus ToffeeandZeus
4 Responses Feb 16, 2013

I hear you, I feel for you, I really do. I understand that being apart is difficult emotionally. I only have what your side is to go by, it sounds like you tried really hard to be as objective as possible. It also looks like the tail of a crying spell and giving up. Which is exactly what you should do. Be brave enough not to be complacent and leave this US Air Man behind. Not because he is clearly handling this poorly, but because you deserve every ounce of affection you need.

From his behaviour it sounds to me like he is probably using every iota of energy to get through the schooling that he has to go through, it's not easy. Some days are easy but you always have to be on top of your game and try to be the best every minute you're under the scrutinizing eyes of an instructor who out ranks you. I know this because my boyfriend is military only he is in the RCAF. So from one Air Force Girlfriend to another: hang in there, it will get better but not by hanging on.

Now....I'd like to gently address the child situation. That was a bit of an abrupt add to your vent. When guys have a child to support and raise, the first thing they do is focus entirely on their immediately life surrounding them, not what's across the border. There's no daddy rights where I live and I have no idea what it's like where he is but I'm guessing that this military schooling might be either adding or subtracting to his access to his daughter. You should probably try to forgive him for not making you a priority when it comes to her.

It's nice that you purchase gifts for him and his daughter but if this was after he started acting weird, that's on you for being silly enough to be that nice. If he has never sent you a gift, a letter, a text or a phone call, why on earth are you wasting your time with him? He's not some scum bag off the street but he's also handling this poorly, and is not man enough to tell you he's not interested. He's giving you the cold shoulder and disregarding your kindness. My guess is that he's trying to get you to break up with him because he doesn't have time for a long distance relationship.

A lot of people make the "mistake" of getting involved in something like what you're going through, thinking at the time while they are in that other person's arms, that they can withstand any kind of distance. What they fail to realize is that stepping up and treating that other person like a human being is what it takes to end things knowing things are not working out and no effort is being made to carry on together.

Not interested in sex? That could be anything and it's easy to link that with other things that have happened. He could have just wanted a normal night with you that was chill instead of hot. Not wanting to walk beside you is dead give away, this guy is not interested.

At this point I'm going to skip over the rest of it and simply say this --- what a man does when he really wants a girl to stay his girl. My humble opinion based on experience.

1. Communication - phone calls, texts, emails, hand written letters.
2. Visits - using annual weeks to take time for family on leave.
3. Gradual Progression - asking after comfortable amounts of time for dates, moving in, marriage, life together, etc.
4. Physical contact - when together does what he can to touch you affectionately.
5. No secrets - being permitted to be a friend and even in a relationship on social networking sites should NEVER be an issue. If it is that person is not serious about dating anyone and should be upfront about it. I know people like this, it's not uncommon for people who date around instead of being monogamous to act this way. It's mostly the bar hopping crowds bc who the hell finds love in a bar?

If it's any comfort, write a list you can keep in your diary of allllll the traits you expect in a man. Raise the bar because you deserve better. I did that and poof my boyfriend showed up six weeks after. :D Timing not included. hehe

Anyway my boyfriend for instance, was so sweet. He asked me for my phone number after chatting me up at work. We talked about food, and other interests. We had lunch together in private and he asked me for my phone number. After successfully courting me he told me he loves me (still does as far as I know). After we moved in together he had to leave for 8 months to go back to school for an upgrade and a raise type of thing. I got texts every day, a phone call once a week, funny things posted on my face book and "I love you" while he was able to use his phone at school. We spent time doing things we liked to have something to talk about. When together at important miles tones during the year such as christmas, we were touching, holding hands, sex, etc. Everything happened, and from what you say about your boyfriend....it's like night and day. If your guy wants to be friends he should bloody well say something!

My boyfriend asked me to move to his posting and that's where I sit as I type this. My heartfelt sympathies to you my dear, I really hope things work out for you. Perhaps making time for your self to just be single and focus on your kick *** schooling degree. Biotech? Really? And you're wasting your precious time on guys like him?? Please tell me you've dumped him by now.

The new guy seems like a one shot deal too. You never know until you try, and guess what, US dude will probably understand it.

Hope I helped in some way. Take care.

Oh and if I was you, I would go for the Canadian guy. If your boyfriend doesnt give you any attention you should just break up with him. You deserve someone better.

My boyfriend is deployed and he also doesnt want me to be his friend on facebook. I asked him why he didnt want me to be his friend and he said: I don't know.
I mean... thats not an answer. And the worst part is, is that his ex girlfriends are friends with him on facebook, but he doesnt want me to be friends.
It is frustrating and I don't know if I should trust him. He lied to me already a few times. I'm just so mad about everything and me putting so much effort in our relationship.

Hi...I just want to address something. Don't let FB dictate what your opinion is about his ex gf's. They're ex for a reason, trust me. It doesn't matter, most guys are just too lazy to kick them off of FB.

If he lied to you and you know it, he's not being upfront about just wanting to play the field (as he is not adding you to FB this is what I assume), I would suggest telling him that you'll be his friend and you support him from back home but friendship is all you want for now. Wish him well because deployment does things to a man, he needs every ounce of support outside of his regiment.

If you're getting mad maybe this is the best way.

That's a really hard situation because he doesn't sound like he's being the best boyfriend. The fact that he's almost trying to live a life without you is concerning. I know tech school is hard and it takes up a lot of time and energy emotionally and physically but like you said he has time to update his profile so he should have time to text you. You should be a priority. I got into a lot of arguments with my guy during tech school about his partying and giving me attention. Id say keep a close eye on his facebook page and have a serious conversation with him about if he wants this relationship. You're working hard don't forget your own goals or who you are =)