I Can't Sleep, My Pillows All Wet...

  Here I am trying my hardest to actually get some real sleep, I know I wrote earlier and complained about every little thing but here I am again unable to sleep at 2:17 in the morning. I've taken the sleep aides, I've tried warm milk and camomile tea. I've done the work outs to try and make myself so tired that all I want to do is sleep, and I've even gone so far as to well, try and pass out. Nothing works, as soon as I lay in our bed I wake up right away, I don't feel him next to me, I don't feel his warmth, I can't have my good night I love you and kiss, and it breaks my heart. It really does, all I want is to be able to call him and hear him say I love you baby good night go to sleep. Yet here I am trying whatever I can to try and fall into a sleep that causes me to wake up in the morning well rested, but no such luck.

  Recently it's been because I've been crying to much and the pillow I normally sleep on is soaked front and back and I have to try and burry it and find another one. Mind you my hunny has a thing for pillows I usually sleep on one and he has to have about o I don't know, like 6. So I shuffle his pillows only to pull one of his hairs off of it, before he had it all cut off, that long hair causes me to burst into tears yet again and fight to try and stop them. When I can't all I can do is shove my face into the pillow and wait for them to stop. When they finally do I'm exhausted and think I will be able to sleep. Then I wake up in 20 minutes, thinking I actually got some sleep only to look at the clock on the wall and see that 20 minutes have passed since I closed my eyes, I fall back into my pillow with a whimper and try again to sleep, no avail. I sigh deeply trying to think of everything that helps me sleep usually, and yet nothing seems to work. I can't even lay down in a bed if it isn't ours. I tried to stay at a friends last week and ended lying about having to be home and left tired as hell, just to curl up in a fetal position and cry myself to sleep. 

  This week is my spring break, while other kids from RMU are out partying and having fun with friends I am sitting at home wondering what I should be doing, then I remember his rules. I know that the only reason he wanted me to have some rules is so that he doesn't have to worry about cheating, not that I would eve cheat on him, I love him way to much to hurt him, I just hope he loves me that much as well. I know that in todays society staying faithful in a relationship is rare. That if you manage to find someone who is willing to be with you and only you then you are so lucky and should never ever for a second take that for granite. I know I wouldn't and don't. Don and I have had our rough spots, like when he and I first got together, the fact was that he was still trying to be a player, and he was playing me as well as two other girls. It was when he finally realized that I was the one who he could come home to every night, that I would always be ready to make dinner and have it hot and on the table ready for him. I was the one who loved him and I was the one who would ALWAYS stand behind and beside him, through thick and thin we were in it all together. He finally told me that he was taking us seriously, we ended up creating a beautiful relationship and were going strong ever since. Though we never actually knew when we started dating or when we really decided that it was a real relationship, we still to this day don't know when we started dating but we do know one thing, we have been together for over a year and we are very much in love. 

  I know that I am stronger than I think and I thank everyone who thinks that as well, I hope you are all right in thinking that. I am trying my hardest though I'm always presenting a strong outlook to everyone who sees me, wearing shirts that have Airmans girl and support shirts, I also know that I am telling whoever asks that I am taken, most guys use the typical excuse that he's so far and he'll never have t know, and I laugh, the fact is that I would never cheat on my man, and I like to think that he will never cheat on me. I am always nervous, and he tells me all the time that I will be my worst enemy, and I do believe him. He's probably right that in me thinking about it all the time I am fueling that fire. I am reading a lot more though I can't always concentrate. I write everyday in and out and always make sure it goes out, on Mondays I send out two letter, one from Saturday and one from Sunday. It helps me to keep my head somewhat sane, though I don't think it's working out very well for me. I find that in writing my head clears and my thoughts are released. I can sometimes get to sleep, but most of the time I still am wide awake unable to shut my eyes for longer than 20 minutes. I'm really just waiting for that first chance at real communication, that first letter, and hopefully that first call. I know that I need to remain hopeful, and not lose strength but more than anything I need a night with friends, and I know that I need to be laughing, having fun, and talking about whatever comes around. I know that I'm not celebrating until he and I are together, though I also know that his family as well as mine will want to do something. I fear that in this I will be unable to actually relax and that my anxiety will kick in. I also know that I will have to be very cautious, the fact is that I have an addictive personality, he knows it and I think that is why he worried about being away for my birthday more than anything, he knows that after I turn 21 I can get what I want and I will no longer need a middle man, he fears of me going back to how I used to be and I fear that I will fall into old habits. I know it'll be a fight and I think I'm finally ready to overcome it fully. 

  I know that I can do this and be strong for him, that I will remain healthy and strong until I see him again, and nothing will stop me or come between my goals. I want nothing more than to have everything that I need which though this is crazy it's him that I need and nothing more. I can't wait until that day. 


One more thing...will I be able to wear a pair of his dog tags?? I really think that's going to be the changing point for me, if I can hopefully have a pair of his dog tags just to wear and show off that I am a proud and loyal USAF girlfriend and wife in training. 

donspanda31 donspanda31
22-25, F
Mar 10, 2009