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My Mistake and My Problem

My parents are making me choose: the man I love or the life they want for me

I met Jeff (that's what we'll call him anyway) in high school. I sat in front of him in band (haha...yes, all the jokes, I know lol), and I remember how he CONSTANTLY played the Hobbit theme song from Lord of the Rings. I had a crush on him for over a year before we got together.

We broke up after 11 months together - he said that I spent too much time with my family, and he had a crush on my best friend. They later got engaged, I moved on and dated someone else for almost two years, and graduated high school.

I was driving to work when I got a phone call from Jeff - he told me that I had been right; his gf of the time had cheated on him like I said she would (she had a trend...). Now, it's not in my nature to forgive, but, as fate would have it, I really needed some advice on how to dump my then boyfriend. I called him back, and agreed to meet him at the mall after work.

It was the weirdest thing that happened then. I haven't gone a day without thinking about him, and when I saw him everything just seemed to melt away. All of the rage and hate I felt about what we had done to each other - just seemed to disappear. We spent at least 3 hours talking in B&N over coffee, and then I had to go home. (family again...)

I pushed it off as a fluke, graduated high school without seeing him again - and then, when I STILL hadn't dumped my then boyfriend, decided that I needed to talk to him again. Ironically, I meant to call him from work, but he called my cell after I got off. We me that Saturday at our old high school parking lot and went into the city. He took me to my favorite bookstore, and what was meant to be a simple outing, ended up being our first date in 2 years. 7/7/07. The things I remember most clearly are when I got out of my truck to get into his car, and I could feel his eyes on me (my first thought was "uh oh..."); how, when we got out of his car downtown, we went into a mall and I kept bumping into him (I do that when I walk <-- total klutz) and he just took my hand after a few bumps. My favorite memory though is a tie between looking at books in the bookstore and both of us constantly reaching for the same one, and when we sat in the park, and he pulled me into his lap and did that whole-caress thing with my ear/hair stuff and looked me in the eyes and said he was sorry. And he meant it.

I ended up cheating on my then boyfriend and getting together with Jeff the next day. We laid in another park under the trees; I had my head on his chest, and we just talked. That's the thing I treasure most about our relationship - literal years can pass, and we can still end up talking to each other as if we had seen each other the day before.

I went to college; he continued working (he dropped out of college after getting dumped --> wasn't doing too well anyway; he's smart, just lazy [AF beat that outta him though...:( ]). We saw each other every 2 weeks; there was this one time I came home with him and slept at his house. And I think it was then that I realized that I could marry him.

Now, this is something you need to know about me: I am a likely candidate for ASPD. It's antisocial personality disorder. It means that I have no regard, for the most part, for other people's feelings or safety; most criminals have ASPD. It's a genetic and environmental disorder. I am being perfectly honest with you when I tell you that I have no strong feelings that keep me loyal to anyone on this planet, save for Jeff (that's why he's such a big deal to me - he's the only person in the world I honestly feel love with. I have never felt love for ANYONE before; duty to my family and my twin sister, loyalty to friends (which is only held up if it doesn't take much stress or energy from me), yes, but never love. Most ASPD people only feel a rage that is so strong it's indescribable. I have that in spades. Now, I, like anyone, do not appreciate being called "crazy"; I'm not. In fact, I am an Arabic Language/PSYC major at a private University right now, and plan on traveling to Africa when I get my degree to help with refugee camps. I may not be able to feel those emotions that drive people to do the right thing, but I know what that is and I do my damnest to accomplish that. (Yes, Jeff knows about my possible ASPD --> he has his own demons) 

Anyway - I knew that if I didn't get out, I'd marry him. Yes, that sounds RETARDED, I know. I have no defense against that. All I can tell you is that that family that keeps getting in the way has a big role to play. So, I dumped Jeff. We broke up that winter quarter, I found a new, rather disposable, boyfriend named, we'll call him Airc, and lived happily until I got a phone call from Jeff telling me he had joined the AF.

I nearly died. I had wanted him out of my life (if only for his own good), not putting himself in danger! I wish I could tell you that I dumped Airc, rushed to Jeff, and told him everything and we spent the 6 months before he went to BC together. I can't - unless you wish me to lie to you...I hung up the phone and continued to ignore him. Yes, I am killing myself over this, so if you want to tell me what a *****/crazy/manipulative/idiot/etc I am, please don't. I KNOW.

When I came back to school, I couldn't fight my feeling for Jeff anymore. I wanted to see him so bad, talk to him, that I called his parents and asked for his BC address. (His parents HATE me btw) I wrote him a NOVEL lol tell him how sorry I was and explaining. I was sitting in my criminal justice class when I got a single text on my phone, "I love you too. I"ll call you in two hours" from Jeff.

We got back together in November of last year. I had 6 days with him over Christmas, and he'll be home in 4 days from today. I'll see him for 2 days. And then it may be months before I see him again (he's stationed on the opposite side of the country)

That was my mistake (and our relationship over the past 7 years); and here's my problem:

My parents, who control all of my finances, job, home, etc, have given me this choice:

Return to school in the fall, or be with Jeff. (as in continue our relationship)

I can't get higher grades(4.0), and am almost fluent in 3 languages. My family wants me to become a government employee; they want me to have lots of money, power, and say in this country. Let's say that, up until now, I've done everything they've ever asked of me; I take care of my grandparents with dementia, I work hard, I have no friends (a request of theirs - one not so hard for me to keep honestly; i like alone time, but waking up one day and literally having NO ONE was brutal and a good lesson), and I do EVERYTHING asked of me. I have never asked them for anything. Ever. I also felt I never deserved it. My sister is physically handicapped, and she takes up most of my time/the attention. My parents always seem to forget I exist in terms of checking up on me; and, most of the time, I like it that way. 

What I don't like is being treated like an employee. That's an ultimatum you give an employee, not your daughter. My Papa always said that one day I'd turn on them, and I think that day is gonna be soon.

 

So, what do I do? I love Jeff. He's my life; my anchor. I can do without the dream job, the dream money - but if I leave, my grandparents will die and think I've betrayed them. If I leave, I have to run - there will be no time to explain to my family WHY I am doing what I am doing. As dramatic as it sounds, my family has asked me who I love more. The answer is Jeff - I think that I am probably going to marry him someday.

 

And that's my story and my problem. :) If you have any advice...or support (Aside from Jeff, I don't have any) please let me know.

Karatebug Karatebug 18-21 3 Responses May 10, 2009

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my thoughts would be to finish school, jeff will wait if he loves you, then you wont have hurt anyone in the process...with them not paying attention, if you are that worried, you could hide your relationship or just say we're friends now kind of thing....

Yeah - see, that's the action I'm leaning towards because it will be better in the long run. I honestly have not worked this hard in college to throw myself out.



Jeff understands - he wants me to stay in school as well, but I'm not sure he realizes the repercussions of my decision - either way.



I appricate your advice though :) Having an outside source helps a lot since emotions can just convolude EVERYTHING lol make it all seem much harder than it really is.



So, I guess what's going to happen now is that Jeff and I will have to bare with the idea of only seeing each other 2x a year, and trust each other. So far, so good.



He'll come home in 3 days :) And I'll see him for 2 before he leaves for "X". Ensh3allah...lol

As far as I see it, you're old enough to make your own decisions in life. Sure, you should want to make your family happy (and try not to burn any bridges in the process, since family ties can be *very* hard to repair once damaged) but you also have your personal life to live too. So now you've got that tough dilemma of what to choose....



In any case... and this may not be the answer you want to hear... but honestly, I think that you should just continue your education, get a college degree, and start a job first and foremost. Once you get your life under control and establish your own finances (while still getting the financial and (somewhat) emotional support from your family in the process)... if Jeff truly understands you and loves you the way you say he does, he will wait for you to finish your education.



Once you've established yourself as a person, then go back to Jeff and marry him... You'll be happier in the end because you've figured yourself out as a person, you've kept the bridges with your family, and you can eventually be with the man of your dreams.



I realize it's a tough decision, and all of this is my personal opinion (but I do value education, and I figure if the man I love loves me back, he'll respect my choices in life). However, you are the one who will be making the final choice though...



I hope my response helps, and I wish you the best of luck!! :)

-Kat