Venting Like Never Before (sorry)

Hi girls, (warning, this is long and quite pointless, but I needed to get it out somewhere)

So this may seem a little out of the blue, havent posted in a while but I think I just need some venting and maybe some encouraging words..  I'm just so worn out. I don't know why (well I king of do, but I'm a no excuses type person..). Im taking 5 classes right now, none of which I am remotely interested in. I'm majorly falling behind and it is not even midterms yet. I have NO idea what I want to do with my life. I thought early childhood education was what I wanted to do but now I realized I don't even want to do that. The only thing that I can honestly come up with as to what I want to "be" is a wife and a mother. It is the only thing I have ever wanted to be. Yet today, it is almost as if that is unacceptable. A girl today is "supossed" to go to school, get a job, help provide for her family (at least where I'm from).. my goodness do I hate society's unwritten rules. Is that bad of me? I feel like that is being lazy.. copping out almost. But I'm not lazy- that is just all that I have ever really wanted in life. So let's just say that is stressing me out x5893420. On top of that I now feel obligated to finish my degree (2 more years) because my parents have invested so much into it- 4 years at a private highschool, 1 year at a private university and now a year at a state college- all on very low salaries and for the past year and a half, unemployment.

I am also going crazy about the next few years, what I am going to do once I move in with Dan (happy note: wedding is FULL ON! May 28th!!!). If I decide to go to school in FL, I don't know what will happen given the total uncertainty of the military. Moving, Dan deploying, having to change schools if they move him, being alone in FL while he is deployed...? It runs through my head so fast I can't even sort out my thoughts. Honestly I just want to move down there and be worry free. Dan found out tonight that he got approved to retrain, but doesn't know if he wants to and sign up for another 4, or just get out in 2 when his contract is over. I want him to be happy, but I want to be happy too- and I don't know which will make me happier- both will be with him and that is all that matters. But if he gets the new job, he will do something ridiculous like every other week in the field instructing for 5 months, then 22 days in the field, then a week off, then repeat. If he gets out we're civilians- no stable job, no stable income, no idea of what either of us will be doing. Its some big choices, and I support whatever he wants, but I don't know what I would prefer..

I can't stand being home much longer.. I am the scapegoat at work- I get yelled at for everything, even if I wasn't working, I get the crap hours, my boss is dating my sister (kind of) and whenever they fight it gets worse. They let the other people get away with murder and I will get yelled at for nothing. Even the people I work with say I am the hardest worker there. Best part of all of it- I have worked there for 4 years, longer than any one else. Being at home is stressful all in it's own. My 23 year old sister is a recovering drug addict, and I think she has relapsed. So now I am stuck between being her friend, a sister, and a daughter. She gets mad at me if I tell my parents anything that I find out, saying I am taking sides. A part of me wants to just play oblivious, a part of me wants to shake her until she realizes what she is doing, and a part of me is just reaching out for help for myself because I AM being forced to take sides. I hate telling on her, but I know it's for the best. Every day is like playing detective. I spend more time snooping on her and gathering enough stuff to catch her than I do anything else. She is on my mind day in and day out. Worst of it all, she has a 16 month old daughter who also lives with us (literally this baby keeps me going, I love her like she was my own daughter).

I guess my batteries are just dying. It is so hard to keep it together. I have been really sick, and I haven't been getting any sleep. I go to school from 9-3 work from 4-10 and then I fit in Dan, homework, me time, and sleep from 10-4am. I sleep and repeat. I'm lucky if I even eat a real meal everyday. It's usually just a snack bar or a sandwhich on the go (which I am sure is contributing to everything). I blow off my friends on the weekends because that is my only time semi-off. Weekends are spent wedding planning and babysitting my 4 & 7 year old siblings along with my niece. I call it a break because I can actually sit down and eat if I want to.

Sorry this is so random, and pointless. I just REALLY needed to get it out there and I just REALLY REALLY need the comfort of my baby's hugs. Dan is very much a "suck it up girl" type of guy and I really have no one else who wants to take the time of day to listen. Sorry if you actually got to the end of this! haha I just needed to write. and write. and write.

You girls are the best, I hope everyone is well, enjoy your weekends!

Tonya

xtonyamariee xtonyamariee
18-21, F
8 Responses Feb 20, 2010

Thank you girls.. as always you have helped to relieve some of my stress. Me and Dan have decided that for now, it would be best to work part-full time at a daycare or something of the sort. As much as we both want kids soon, we want to see if it will hold off for at least a year of being married. We have decided we won't try to get pregnant, but we won't try not to- kind of our philosophy since the beginning. I don't know if I will finish my degree right now because of the moving possibilities popping up left and right lately, but I am OK with that. My parents will understand as well. I am going to have to go into loan repayment (yikes) but I will make it work- somehow. Life is good, that's all that matters! I'm back to myself, back to going with the flow and rolling with the punches.<br />
Phew! I scared myself for a second! Honestly I think that every once in a while I need a good cry. A good 20 minutes of feeling bad for myself and realizing everything that is not going as planned in life. After 20 minutes I pick myself up, remind myself of the good things in life and how much better I have it than some and just get over myself. Wipe the tears, take out the teabags (my eyes puff so easily!) and sleep it off.<br />
I don't know what I would do without some of you girls! Thanks a million!

I feel like Im going through the same type of thing!!

wow your life is crazy! i'm sorry it's so stressful but try to look at it in a different way. every day you're getting close to the wedding and the move and to being with your man! and you will be able to relax and take a breath and figure out what you want. just try to push through. i can't imagine how you must feel with all that going on but you're obviously a strong person and you can make it through these last days! i know it'll be a while yet but focus on what's to come and how this is only a transition! i'm so sorry about your sister but it sounds like you are doing everything you can to help her. things will be okay. try to breath every now and then and find a 30 minute slot in your day to just run a hot bath and lay in there and relax if you can. hang in there!

I know what you mean girl, sometimes I feel like I have to force myself to go to school everyday. When I can see myself being sooo happy as a housewife. The only thing that's keeping me going is the fact that I won't be happy being 100 percent on David, I want to be able to bring something to the table. That's why I'm majoring in education, because its as close as.I can get to being a mommy for now :)

Hun there is nothing wrong with want to be a wife and mother, maybe that is what best for you! Of you do change your mind there is nothing wrong with going back. There is always time, I felt that way about my major my goal is to be a singer.....but thats not what Im majoring in; which is audio arts, not as fun as sounds. the classes are hard, but with this i can help my airman down the road in audio with his films if my modeling and singing career doesnt work out for the best. its also about having a back up plan and being able to HELP you man when this gets difficult. What I had to do was think about my future and all the possibilities including marrying Chris and traveling the world. <br />
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And about work? people are so *** holey, its not fair. <br />
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About your sister. I thought there was some unwritten rule saying u cant date your siblings sister but im an only child so idk, but if you have proof that she has gone back to drugs then you have to tell someone, it may save her life if you do. <br />
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I pray everything works out dear and congrats on your wedding date.

I, too, hate the societies new way of thinking. I have NEVER considered working full time ever. Neither would my husband want me to. You sound like you have a lot on your plate right now. Being a stay at home mom and wife is the best thing you could ever achieve in your life. I am blessed to be one, and really, when the military basically runs your life as well as his, it's easier for you to stay home. But the job itself is not easy, Your responsible for EVERYTHING should he get deployed or have more training. Look ahead to what you will have, and finish what you can in school now. You'll be so glad when your done. I went to school and just work 2 days at the hospital. That's like my "me" time. But shoot for being home with your kids when you have them . It's the best. Being an "old-fashioned" wife is what I am all about. Just being here for my husband and my kids. There's really no greater thing you can do.<br />
As for everything else, spend your time thinking about YOUR life with your soon-to-be hubby. Plan things and anticipate for those times which you have ahead. It'll make the time go by faster.

It's kinda scary to think of your life in terms of what you are supposed to do. Even scarrier is to live your life in the mode of "I wish". You will begin to resent yourself, your husband and never be truly happy. Our parents always told us to follow our dreams and it sounds like your dream is the same as mine and His Star as well. Talk it over with him! Talk to him about starting a family. Maybe you start working from home. A friend of mine makes a ton of money selling stuff on ebay. She will go to garage sales or thrift stores and sells literally everything! <br />
I know exactly where you are coming from. I am in studying to be licensed as an insurance agent and I hate it!!! Ryan is so supportive but I don't want to let him down by just quitting and me staying around the house is killing me, but I know that this job is just not going to make me happy. So it's a tough decision, but ultimatly, FOLLOW YOUR HEART!!!

Well, first of all, I absolutely totally 100% know what you mean about only wanting to be a wife and mother. That's my dream, and I'm lucky because Tom would love that to be who I am, as well. I hate that my parents won't like it and that some of my friends won't either, but I know that it's what will make me happy, so I don't feel bad about it over all and I hope you don't either. (I'm also still going through with getting a degree, partially because Tom wants me to have one...just in case) I think it's an amazing aspiration. =)<br />
I think the only other thing I can really weigh in on is that I'm really excited that your wedding is definitely happening (so jealous! I can't wait 'till mine, but it'll still be a couple years), and I'm enjoying the fact that it's on my older brother's birthday. =P<br />
I hope things at home, work and school start to improve for you. Stuff like that sucks extra-hard when your guy isn't around. =<br />
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Oh, and never apologize for venting. It's a necessity of life. =)