Defeated. (help... Please)

11:11 passes and all I wish for is to be able to talk to him.

Four weeks have gone by and I have yet to receive a phone call or a letter. I'm sitting here and I don't even know how to describe how I feel. I'm sad, I'm heartbroken, and I feel defeated. I was positive that coming into this (and even up until today) I could get through this because it's only two months and I love him very much.

However, something within me changed today.

Today I realized I have practically nothing to hold on to. For 5 years I have been living off of texts and online conversations, not one phone call or visit. Now that we can't even text, I have nothing. I have no memories of physical contact, no kisses, no hugs, no smiles... I don't have his voice to fall back on. Where do I derive the strength if there is nothing to feed off of? Most of you have physically been with your men, have held them, studied them and heard them whisper to you. I haven't. I lay here and I am literally alone because I can't even find a memory to comfort me.

I tried to use the excuses: "he doesn't have time" "his TI probably won't let him call or write anyone" "he's probably calling his family first". All of these could be true, but what about the last 5 years that we've been friends, and more importantly the 3 that we committed to each other? What were his reasons then, and why did I let them slip by without questioning it? We are connected, him and I, but it could be stronger with a phone call, I could be stronger with a phone call. I want to know that he truly wants us to work, and I want him to put the effort in that he should have all those years. Right now I need it more than I ever have because I'm vulnerable and we're apart in a completely different way than we normally are.

What happens when he's done BMT and goes to tech school? Will he think that since he can finally use his phone to text that that will be okay as our only means of communication? It's not okay. It won't be okay.

I wrote him a letter tonight explaining this, but is it right to send it now?

I want the problem solved, I want a call before his graduation so I can plan a trip if I need to. I want him to call so that I can ask him about plans for me visiting during tech school in June. I'm going to Europe in May and work full time July and August, then back to school in September. I won't be able to see him before he's finished tech school if I don't go in June. I don't think I can handle that.

What do I do? How do I let him know how I'm feeling and what I NEED and deserve from him?

(I called Lackland AFB last week and got his address and sent him all the letters I had written before that, but I live in Canada and have never met his family which makes this all the more difficult for me)

letlovelive letlovelive
22-25, F
5 Responses Mar 4, 2010

Thank you very much ladies, I really appreciate the support!!<br />
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I was having a really rough day and really missing him, and I don't have anyone here at home to talk to about it. They think I'm doing the wrong thing. <br />
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Anyways, I think I'm going to send him the letter anyways, because he knows me and knows how to perceive/understand my breakdowns. I want him to know how I'm feeling, whether it's up or down. I wrote him another one the next day just to let him know that I'm okay and that it was a momentary lapse. So hopefully the next ones continue to be positive. <br />
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This is his 5th week coming up. I'll try not to check the mail so often, but it'll be tough. I've written him a bunch, I just hope his TI isn't a jerk and will let them actually read their mail! <br />
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I'll keep my head up, and thanks again!

Don't worry. Some TI's are harder than others. My boyfriends was really strict and I didn't get a phone call until the 5th week and I also only got one letter..which was right after BEAST. He still cares it's not by choice that he cant call or write. I'm sure if he could he would. The best thing you can do it show support through constant letter writing. It sucks writing and not getting anything in return but they really love it and need it to keep their heads up.

Don't get discouraged hun! He is probably trying to contact you. I didn't get my first letter till 3 1/2 weeks, some don't till like 5 or 6, it all depends on the dumb TI. And I didn't get a phone call until like 3 days before graduation. I went through the same thing after weeks of not hearing anything even after years and years of being together before he left you just get freaked out and second guess everything because this is all a completely new experience. Are you going to his graduation? I'm sure that things will get better soon. Sometimes it just takes time even though that is all you don't want to continue going through. As for sending the letter you could or you couldn't. I sent some pretty down letters even though I didn't want him to be worried about me I couldn't help it, I wanted him to know everything. Once the letters start rolling I bet you will pleasantly surprised :)

I guess I was away when you wrote your first story, but I just caught up on it now. So, I'm going to try to help. First, I agree with BreYana in that, just because he's gone and busy during these two months, it doesn't cancel out all the time you've been together, been friends, all the love and the friendship you built. BMT is crazy. You may hear stories of girls getting a 20 minute phone call every weekend and 3 letters a week. Well yeah, it happens, but some girls also get no letters and a couple phone calls at the end. Their boys still love them, its just really hard what they're going through and sometimes they just physically don't have the energy to write. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. And I'm sure he loves getting your letters so keep writing. Write TONS. Overload him with letters. <br />
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Do his parents know about you? If so, try to find out if you can contact them. Do you know his home phone number? His home address? Write them! I'm sure they wouldn't mind. Introduce yourself maybe, tell them you know its a tough time and you're getting worried or something. It's worth a try. Don't give up on him just yet. Not during basic. If the time comes where he's in Tech and something goes wrong, well consider it then, but right now he can't control when he talks to you, so there's no need to get too upset or worked up over it. It'll be okay, though. I know long distance relationships are a bit different. And you really really have to love and care about a person to stick it out. So if you've been going strong for 3 years, I wouldn't think he's going to stop loving you now.<br />
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I really hope you go to grad! Ask his parents about that too if you can get in touch with them. That would be an amazing thing. :)

Hon i KNOW its hard but the first month is really hard. All those years youve been together arent going to just disappear because of BMT, he will get to hear from him soon , i know it. i hope you are able to go to his graduation!