Has Anyone Else Experienced This?

So I talked to my soldier tonight, he got to call. I received four letters Saturday, all very very sweet, full of love and cute things.By the way he was talking to me, I was like....is he considering us to be together again for real? So I asked when he called and he said no, he can't handle the stress of a relationship right now and he knows he would snap over some little thing if we were together....(he used to snap if someone kept him from talking to me) and he didn't want that to happen. He said maybe when he graduated we could talk, and that I "didn't realize" that after he got his training done he has 5 years in this and I would barely see him...but I do understand that and I'm okay with it. He just kept telling me he couldn't handle it right now. I asked about his graduation and he said that he didn't know what was going on anymore...that he had written me a 3 page letter about it but he didn't have time to explain..so I'm a bit worried cause in one of those letters he mentioned he was worried about passing his PT since he wasn't quite up to standard in one area....so I'm not sure if that has affected his graduation? But it's in a month so I really need to figure this out soon...it's quite a ways to travel and I need to take the time off of work and make arrangements if I go...

Anyway, have any of you had to deal with this? I don't know what to do here. I can't keep going on with us acting as if we're together, but not being together...I've let him slide with him knowing that I love him and I'll be here for too long, I don't want to let him keep taking advantage of that. My best friend thinks I need to write him a letter giving him an ultimatum and not writing back til I get a response...but I don't want to put him under that kind of pressure no matter how much this is hurting me. I know basic is hard and stressful for him, I don't want to make it any worse..

Does anyone have any suggestions, or care to share stories or something similar they went through?
excellent27 excellent27
18-21, F
6 Responses Jul 11, 2010

I've never been in that situation but I think giving him an ultimatum might be a bad idea, especially if you're unsure of what to do. It might make him push you away because he's already mentioned being stressed. I think that what you're doing (reassuring him that you love him and want to wait) is a good idea. And even if he doesn't want you to wait that doesn't mean you have to listen :) I think what you're doing is good and you're right- if he changes in the future you can figure it out when it happens. It sounds like he really cares and doesn't want you to be hurt. And maybe he's scared you'll be mad at him if you wait and he does end up changing, like it will be his fault or you will blame him. I don't really know about that part, since I'm not him...but I hope this helps!

I've never been in that situation but I think giving him an ultimatum might be a bad idea, especially if you're unsure of what to do. It might make him push you away because he's already mentioned being stressed. I think that what you're doing (reassuring him that you love him and want to wait) is a good idea. And even if he doesn't want you to wait that doesn't mean you have to listen :) I think what you're doing is good and you're right- if he changes in the future you can figure it out when it happens. It sounds like he really cares and doesn't want you to be hurt. And maybe he's scared you'll be mad at him if you wait and he does end up changing, like it will be his fault or you will blame him. I don't really know about that part, since I'm not him...but I hope this helps!

Yeah I try to write him every day and I just tell him what I've been doing and what new restaurants we're getting and the big news stories when I can think of it. I know he likes hearing what's happening back home.<br />
I got the big letter he told me he wrote today. No mention of failing his PT test so I assume he did fine on it. He just said he had one that day. And he told me basically what he said on the phone Sunday. He mentioned that he didn't want me to wait around for him and he didn't want to put me through it all if he ended up going overseas and how he doubted he'd come back the same person and he just doesn't want to see me go through that. But he mentioned again that when he has his phone for good we can discuss it. I've already told him a lot about how I'd rather spend the 5 years he's active hurting and missing him but being with him and waiting for him to get home than spending it with anyone else or whatever. And how I'm willing to go through it all with him. So I think I'll just keep reassuring him of that. I think its stupid to stay apart simply because he's afraid of changing if or when he goes overseas....if that happens, we'll figure it out then.That's what I think at least.

Yes, I know that feeling of being unsure what to do or even say... i am glad to hear that he told you he loved you... maybe next time talk about what you do.. they really like to hear about normal stuff it helps them escape for that short amount of hell that he is... Just be happy he is talking to you!

Thanks a lot! I'm happy things worked out for the two of you :)<br />
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I think he just needs to be reassured sometimes. I wrote him a long letter today, telling him that I understand that he wants to wait until after graduation to figure this out and I'm okay with that. And basically just reassuring him that I support him and love him, and I knew that things were always changing in the Army, and I'd be prepared to take on whatever it threw at us with him. I did tell him that after graduation and our "talk", he would have to make his decision, one way or another. But I hope my letter will help make him feel less stressed over the thought of getting into a serious relationship with me again. He worries a lot :/ Even though a lot of people try to tell me he's taking advantage of me and basically trying to tear us apart, I take comfort in the fact that he writes me every day, well, he did lol. Now he writes me whenever he can, as he's only a month away from graduation and they're busier, but he always makes an effort to write and calls me every time he gets his phone. And instead of getting mad last night when I kept turning the topic back to "us," he just reassured me that he loved me :) I really hope we can work things out when he's out of Basic, and I hope I do everything I can to help him through it :/ Sometimes I don't know what I can do.

basic was very hard on my relationship to. my husband isnt a writer and he would write me short letters here and there. but i do think it is a big deal if he doesnt pass his pt tests.. i dont know for sure but sometimes you are required to pass them. as for staying with him. no one can really tell you what to do... all i can tell you is that basic is very hard on them and it changes them so much... if he is snapping that he cant call you, maybe its best if you guys arent together. he doesnt need to be getting into trouble... they worry a lot about stuff back home.. and he should probably be concentrating on what he needs to get done to get through it. i know its really hard, but you gotta be strong for him. and if you guys still want everything to work out, then it will.. give it time.. dont just give him a choice.. because that will stress him out and it could just make things worse. <br />
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i sorta did that to my soldier and it mad our relationship so hard... but after basic we worked everything out and now we are married... i really hope you give him a chance to get through this and talk. you cant work anything out through letters... it would be easier to do it in person.. if he is writing you or calling you and wants you to go down there for graduation, he more than likely wants to be with you in the future... <br />
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Army plans are always changing, my husband didnt even get to have a family day cause he had to leave early for AIT because the army messed up. but make sure you know the plans and stuff.. <br />
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i hope it works out the best for both of you!