Today Is A Hard Day

I wish I could be strong, I think about what Cory is going through and I cannot even fathom how exhausted he must be, how alone he may feel at times, how he doesn't have anyone but himself to boost his confidence, and I feel guilty for how easy I have it, and how selfish I am. I get so angry at him sometimes, because he left me without any guarantee of where our relationship is headed. The other day I read his letter and angrily replied to every line (in my head). There are days when I want to tear those two pages into shreds and pretend I never got to know him, to deny we ever were together.

I'm going to New York on vacation for five days, and my friend is coming along. She seems to think she knows what I'm going through because, throughout her picture perfect three year relationship with her boyfriend, they've been away from each other maybe three times, for no longer than a week. And she thinks going to New York will be hard, even though they have the phone...Skype... She has no idea. And I'm jealous of how lucky they are. And how naive they are, too.

I think back on our 22 days together, and I wonder if maybe it was all a lie. If maybe it wasn't real, that I was projecting this great romance and chemistry on something that was fleeting and meaningless. And then I realize that...like Algernon says in "The Importance of Being Earnest", "The essance of romance it uncertainty,"

And what could be more true, especially for us girls? For me I rush to my mailbox, hoping, and even though most days I'm let down, I still go back every day. At night I comfort myself with the memories, his words, our laughter...all the little things that I've went over and over in my mind a thousand times. And I am reassured all of a sudden. I am hopeful. Hopeful that he feels the same. Hopeful that he will be ok. Hopeful that he will come back to me. And more importantly hopeful that I can be strong.
22days 22days
18-21
3 Responses Aug 2, 2010

It isn't even a deployment yet...It's just basic training. But yeah, I'm so glad I stumbled onto this website! That is true though, about being the abandoned mistress. Its easy to tell yourself it won't work, that you can't possibly stay in love after all the time and all the stress and all the seperate memories and experiences...<br />
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Ironically, my dad is the one who said something that I repeat to myself sometimes, he and I were arguing, this was right before I got Cory's letter, and I was crying and saying there was no chance he cared, no chance this could possibly work, and my dad looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why can't you just trust that he cares about you? Why do you have to make this self-fulfilling prophecy that it will crumble away?" We can do this, ladies!

i havent went through deployment yet , but just thinking about what you're going through just makes me cry . no one really understands, except this girl i work with, her bf is about to deploy and i told her i'd be here if she needed.<br />
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my mom met david for the first time yesterday, she's really nosey so i don't let her in much, and she doesnt understand why i would be with him while he's gone, she doesnt understand true love i dont think :[<br />
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we love our soldiers, and no matter how hard it gets, we will still have love for them, we cant help it. which is why we check our mailboxes for their letters, keep our phones on us ALL THE TIME. we just need good friends to help us get through this.

I know what you mean, though I haven't been through an actual deployment. Basic was like that for me. A lot of times I got so angry at the letters I received because they just didn't sound like him. The truth is that I was starting to forget what he sounded like. Sometimes you just want to blame him for leaving: leaving you alone to your own destruction. It's hard when you're second to the army. Your man is married to the army and you're the sad abandoned mistress. I'm being melodramatic, though. I am always scared to see my boyfriend again. I am afraid that I'll find out we don't love each other anymore or something tragic like that. It never happens, though. Things always end up being as happy as they ever were, and I'm sure it will be the same way for you, too. Stay strong =)<br />
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Oh yeah and about your friend, I knowwwwwwwww right?! Every time I hear some girl complain about how she has to spend a whole weekend without her guy, I just want to scream.