Please Help!! (i Know It's Long But Idk What To Do)

I have been dating my boyfriend for 9 years. 2 years ago he joined the Infantry in the Army. He got deployed to Afghanistan a few months later. When he came home for R&R halfway through we went on vacation and he finally proposed! =) We were doing great through the first half of the deployment. Letters, phone calls, packages, skype...he even sent me flowers and chocolates for Valentine's Day (something he had never done before). He was 6 weeks away from being home for a year when he got caught in a building that was hit by an IED. He was sent to triage, and him knowing that the Army wouldn't call me (since I'm just a glorified girlfriend), he called me from the hospital loaded up on morphine saying "Baby...I got blowdidid up..." my heart dropped to the floor. He asked me to be strong for him and call his family so they can hear from somebody who cares about him. So with a heavy heart I called his mother, father, and both sets of grandparents. The worst day of my life! My best friend, the love of my life, my future husband, is somewhere out there and he's hurt and I don't know how bad and I can't be by his side. I was a wreck! And again, since I'm not his wife nobody would tell me anything about his condition. What seemed like weeks later (it was only 3 days) his mother finally gets some news. He had broken his neck, fractured his shoulder blade, got first and second degree burns to his arm and face, and some minor cuts and bruises. Over the next week he called me a few times. He had to have surgery to remove one of his vertebrae in his neck and have them held together with screws and plates (they went in through his throat to do this leaving a nasty scar). It was a very risky surgery since its so close to his spinal cord. But he pulled through, with no permanent damage. He was transported back to the US for recovery as soon as he was stable. I argued with the Army until they agreed to let me go see him, and he also argued with them saying he wouldn't accept visitors unless I was one of them. When I saw him, he looked amazing! Back to his normal self, flirting, being a wiseass, only difference was he had a neck brace on. I went to a few doctors appointments with him while I was there and they assured me that he was doing great. I eventually had to return home, his mother stayed with him for an extra two months. Later he was medically cleared. They said he was doing great and could return to full active duty. He went back to his normal station. And has been there since. We're coming up on a year since the incident and he's doing great.
Now for my problem. He came home twice since his recovery. For two weeks each. Of those four weeks I saw him a total of maybe 48 hours, and that hurt me deeply. I understand that he needed to see his family, and that he wanted to see his friends (we have all been friends for the past 12 years btw) but 48 hours? For your fiancee? I tried to be understanding, but I got upset when he was supposed to go away with his friends for the weekend and call me when he got back on a Monday, he called me late Thursday night asking if I was going to drive him to the airport the following evening. I tried to hide how upset and hurt I was and he thanked me for being so understanding. By the time he got back to his station I had calmed down considerably. Until he pointed out that I was hiding something, I thought I could talk to him about it and tell him why I was upset. Apparently I was wrong. He stood by the fact that he hadn't done anything wrong. So me, being the stubborn jerk I've always been, said that if he didn't understand why I was so upset then maybe he should have some time to think about it. We didn't talk for a week. Then I broke and called him to let him know that this has just been really hard on me and I was sorry. We didn't get back together at this point, but we were working on it. We went back to our normal routine of calling every night, texting through the day, and the occasional skype call. On Friday the 27th he asked me about a text I had sent him a few days prior (while drunk) saying that I have and will always love him, that I miss him, that I miss sleeping next to him, that I want to come see him ASAP (He didn't know I had planned on making the 24 hour drive to come see him for our 9 year anniversary on May 1st), and that I wish I didn't think about him as much as I did. I realize now after reading the text a million times that I worded that wrong and should have elaborated on it. Saying that being away from him hurts so bad and that I haven't slept for more than 4 hours at a time since I saw him last because I lay in bed at night thinking of him instead. Since I hadn't answered his text asking me about that quick enough (4 minutes had gone by) he flipped! He text me saying that he would make this easier for me that I should erase everything about him from my phone and know that by the time I was done reading this he had done the same. Telling me to forget he exists, that he doesn't give a **** anymore and "don't answer this sh*t you selfish b*tch". That was followed by a rant about him being in Afghanistan and getting hurt and how I don't understand his situation. Then "**** you b*tch. I'm not trying to get you to understand anymore. I'm a motherf*cking US infantry soldier. Something you won't ever get til you fight for your ******* country like I did". I was hurt because of this, and at the time confused as to where this was coming from, I walked away from my phone for 10 minutes (to cry, try to calm down, and breath) and come back to 5 missed calls and 3 voicemails.
None of the voicemails were from him. The first was a short one saying "Shut the **** up! Seriously! Shut the **** up!".
Voicemail #2 "Hey! You ungrateful f*cking wh*re! Obviously this isn't [his] fault, I think it's yours. why don't you look in the f*cking mirror cuz if you didn;t love the d*ck so much it wouldn't be a problem. Obviously you're the f*cking problem. All you are is a f*cking problem. So go stick a thumb in your *ss and go blow yourself".
Voicemail #3 was a female saying "hey darling. just wanted to let you know that you thought angry was bad well when I'm having angry sex with [him] it's all good, so you don't know what the **** you're missing. And there's two of us here and I have him on a nightly basis and lemme just say angry is the ****. That's all just wanted to tell you." Then I hear his voice in the background yelling towards the phone in a joking manner saying "anal".
I was so upset I tried to call him back a few times begging what I did to deserve this, but to no avail, he never answered. I called the next day over and over when he finally answered he said "STOP" and hung up. I called him one more time and begged him to speak to me like a human being all he said was "No. **** you!" and hung up again. the next day I tried to call him only twice. Second time he answered saying "**** you! I'm blocking your number" and hung up again. He then blocked my cell number. The next day, (on what would've been our 9 year anniversary) I called him from my house phone begging him to talk to me, telling him that I want to know what I did that was so horrible to deserve this, and that even though I'm upset I still love him and I still want to be with him and work this out, and ended it with happy anniversary. Every day since that I've left him at least one voicemail (from my land line) saying that I'm sorry and that I love him, begging him to talk to me and telling him that even if he wants to end it like this there's something he should know. (last month I found out that I have a mass on my right ovary, [I didn't tell him about it yet because there's nothing he can do and his entire life has been consumed by the army, being in Afghanistan, and getting injured.] had it biopsied the day before this started and I get the results this Thursday, I'm scared sh*itless right now, my mom had breast cancer and beat it, her mom died of ovarian cancer). After a few days of me trying to get through to him and having my cell number blocked, he called me at 1am on my cell (I was asleep so he left a voicemail) saying that I know exactly why sh*t has gone down the way it has, it's because I told him "I wish I could forget him" (or at least that's how he took it) and that maybe I was drunk, but that it hurt him, and that was the last straw. He then goes on a rant about going back to Afghanistan (he isn't going back unless he re-enlists) so whatever I need to say to him I better say it in a voicemail and stop feeling sorry for myself or I should "f*cking answer the f*cking phone when I f*cking call. Cuz I'm tired of this sh*t". As soon I heard the voicemail when I woke up I called him and my cell number was blocked yet again. So I called from the land line, again, telling him that I was so sorry. That I didn't mean for what I said to be taken like that, that I love him and I miss him and I want to be with him. I tell him that I have always loved him, and I will always love him. Even though we're going through this.
I'm so lost right now. I need help. He's my best friend. You talk to your best friend when you're upset, but who do you turn to when he's the one that's making you upset. I'm so confused. I've been there for him. But lately every time I talk to him it's been about him getting hurt, and how he almost died. I get that. I was there for that too, but it's been consuming his life, to the point where I feel like right now what happened to him, and the fact that he's in the Army is more important than me. Am I wrong for that? 7 years together before the Army was involved? This has been hard on me too, and he doesn't see that I guess. I love him so much, and it's just not fair. I've been going through so many emotions since this happened. Crying because I'm upset that I hurt him. Crying because I miss him and I don't want this to be the end. Crying because I love him so much and he and his friends said such cruel things to me. Then going to being angry that he would treat somebody he cares about like this. Please! Somebody help me!!! I don't know what else to do! I have no where to turn, no one to talk to. How can I make this right? What should I do? Calling him, e-mailing him, messaging him on facebook, nothing is getting through to him! Should I keep trying until he realizes that I'm sincere in my apology? Or stop to see if he comes back? What if he doesn't? I can't live with that. Please! Help me! Any advice is welcome.
Jerseygirl13 Jerseygirl13
1 Response May 9, 2012

heyy love, i read all your story, if your still gettin on this website message me so i can talk to you more personally, i can give you alot of advice! <3