Am I Wrong To Resent My Soldier?

Hello everyone,

I have been with my soldier for 10 months. We are very much in love. In short, I am a musician and my life is free and I have no real regulations on my time. Quite the opposite for my boyfriend. He and I are crazy about each other and are tied at the hip. Except for when the military requires his full attention. Now, don't misunderstand, I get that his job is not something to be taken lightly. But he is leaving in three weeks and instead of ensuring that he carve out some time for "us", he has been on base every single day. I haven't heard from him in 2 days. And before that, I hadnt heard from him in almost 3. I am used to talking to him 3 or 4 times a day. This all stopped once he received his orders. Oh and he is in Special Forces. So I'm assuming that he is under a lot more pressure to perform. I just wish he would call or text me just to say hi. So simple. I just want to know that he still thinks about me. I am in this relationship too! I resent his job during these times because I start seeing a different side of him that is not conducive to a healthy relationship. He becomes distant and short with me. I cant express my emptiness with him because his response to that is "this is important and it's also my job so I need to focus on that". So my needs and our goals as a couple just go out the window when he gets orders? Is this how the rest of my life will be if I marry him? Our kids? Will they feel unloved like their mommy does when daddy prepares for deployment? I don't require much. All I want a this moment is to get a quick call or text that simply says " I love u". That small gesture would carry me through the days when he can't talk to me or spend quality time with me. Am I wrong for being upset ? Am I not being supportive or understanding?
Tenrocke Tenrocke
5 Responses Sep 12, 2012

I understand also.. I have been dating a Air Force special ops man for 6 months.. the first few months were great. He is a TechSgt and I grew to understand his schedule, but that is because I fit into the schedule. He loves teaching.. and he loves his service, and I believe he loves me. But for the past month and this next month he is "training a new team." Which translate to me hearing from him three times in the last month.. he also said next month would be worse.. Worse for who I wonder? I'm torn, I love him, but I am not sure this is a lifestyle for me, but I'm not ready to let go.. all I know is that I don't want to make things harder for him, but is it fair to hold it all in? I am new to dating a military man, I respect him and his service, I want him, but how do I make this work?

So I am going to say what I know we're not supposed to say as military gas but honestly I feel this way. My bf of 3 years is deploying soon and I absolutely understand what you're going through. It's something that I've been experiencing as well, there's just so much going on with them that I feel like they just clam up and try to deal on their own rather than outwardly talking about what's on their minds. And they are busier, even though it's stupid and unfair, if they're in any position of responsibility they just don't have any personal time to themselves right before the leave.

You asked in your post if that will be something you'll have to deal with in the future if you two get married and have children, and while I hate to say this, if he's planning on staying in its a possibility you should REALLY think about. Military relationships are about lifestyle almost as much as they are about love and you have to figure out for yourself if this is a lifestyle you will be willing to raise your kids in. I went to a BBQ at my bfs commanders house, and he has been away for 11 months of his 15 month olds life. Distance is often a reality with military families and you need to accept all the things that go along with that before you think about moving forward.

Your not being wrong for feeling that way. Ive felt that way to. When i saw my boyfriend the other i felt that way. Its like when hes in uniform hes cold and distant towards me. He says he doesnt mean to do it but its his job and he has to fully respect those rules. It really is tough and hurts knowing they have to treat thier love ones differently in public because of thier job. Ive been thinking the same thing with michael. Would he be cold hearted to our children in our future like he was to me. Just remind yourself he really does love you and that hes probably dieing on the inside that he has to be that way. But the military trains our soldiers to show emotion when on duty. Good luck girl and i hope things get better for yall. You're in my prayers and im always here if you need anything.

I totally understand how you feel. My baby just finished AIT but he gets distant at times and then he will be extremely sweet it's hard to keep track really but I got used to it. What happens is that they have to prepare mentally and you have to let them. They are not girls and they don't think of details like a little text. To them it's like what is that gonna do? You know? Lol boys are clueless. And yes it might always stay this way. But the real question is are you in love with him enough to just understand and accept it. He obviously loves you to death and isn't going anywhere even though it feels like he is. And don't think too far ahead. Take it day by day. It's the only way any of us survive as military gfs. :) be strong sweetie. You can do it

I understand what you are saying. When you are allowed to stay in contact with him its important to utilize that special time as much as you can, because you never know when it will get taken away from you. His job is important as well. It's good that he's concentrating on work, that way he knows what hes doing so he wont get hurt, but when he's not working, he should focus his time on you. You are his backbone, you are the one getting him through the day. I hope he realizes that! Being an army girlfriend or wife is a tough job, but its one worth keeping!