The Decision.

I am strong.  I will own my strength.  I will value my strength.  I will LIVE in my strength!

For the past couple weeks I have been a basket case trying to figure out whether the shift and apparent breakdown in my communication with him has been because of things between he and I, or whether it is like everyone says-just a side effect of all that he is going through while in combat.  I have cried (no balled!), I have argued, I have reasoned, I have tried to understand, I have obsessed, I have been patient, I have been angry, I have been sad, and I have hoped.  And in the end I ultimately (of course) do not know the reason why the man I love has gone from profusely expressing all that he feels for me and all that he hopes for us to this man who can only utter "oh ok" to EVERY-SINGLE-THING- I say to him.  I have talked to many friends; male and female, military and civilian... Everyone has a thought, an idea, an opinion.  But in the end, of course, only he is in his head...and all he can say is "oh ok".

And so after over a week of making myself COMPLETELY mad with trying to make sense of it all I have decided that I am plain and simply done being weak.  And in words I once heard and really appreciated I am going to grab myself by the ovaries and woman the F*%K up!!!  I have not ever been a weak woman, and I refuse to let this deployment situation reduce me to less than what I am.  I pray that he will match my strength, and in so doing will be able to find his way back from wherever this deployment has taken him mentally for the time being.  I pray that as he makes that journey in his mind he is able to hold onto the love we share for each other, because I will be right beside him every step of the way.  I will be the strong woman I know myself to be, I will be the strong woman he fell in love with.

Thank you to the girls who have talked me through the last couple weeks, your support is invaluable!!!  <3

eleven11 eleven11
26-30, F
6 Responses Feb 13, 2009

****Just to let everyone know I deleted some comments from this post as I do not want my stories here to be a conduit for negative ridiculous nonsense.****

IGNORE those last two comments! My boyfriend set up one ofhis soldiers with a friend of his from highschool. They have met twice and are already planning on getting married when he gets home. Everyone loves differently - and when you feel it, you need to grab on tight and ride it!<br />
<br />
As far as the "oh ok" responses - I completely understand. I no longer get the I love yous or I miss yous like I did while he was in mob. training. Now the he is deployed, I'm lucky if he remembers to say goodbye to me when I get to chat online with him. It's just how they are dealing with it. They don't want to worry about us being insecure- they need us to be strong.<br />
<br />
Somedays I'm so frustrated, I'm convinced he must not love me anymore or want to be in this relationship. And I just don't want to do all the things I do for him daily (letters, packages, emails, cards, etc.) But I do them anyway - so HE doesn't have to feel this same insecurity I have. Our soldiers have enough other crap to worry about. It's just the army way - they have to compartmentalize feelings. <br />
<br />
We will get through this! Be strong! (hugs)

You go girl! Your doing such an awesome job of staying strong and positive!! Keep it up and hang in there, like we all know you will!! Hooah girl!

I LOVE the t-shirt idea!!! ARMY Girlfriend (Or fill in your branch/wife/however it fits you) on the front and on the back: Grab yourself by the ovaries and woman up!!!<br />
<br />

HOOAH GIRL! You got it! May I thank you also! Yes, your not the only one that hears OK as a response to EVRYTHING, and YES you are a VERY STRONG WOMAN! You got what it takes to survive this life!!!! <br />
Once he is with you, he will see for himself how strong you are and how you have stood by him through thick and thin! He's a lucky man!<br />
<br />
BTW! Love that grab myself by the overies and woman the **** up! Gotta get a T-shirt! LOL!<br />
<br />
Always here for ya!

I feel you. I've had to give myself a pep talk or two. Its true you are your own worse Critic. You can tear yourself down quicker than anyone else. and the harder part is peicing yourself back together and as Army gf's we have to learn to push those threating thoughts out of mind and stay strong.