Confused Thoughts...

I am so glad I've found this site, I have a so much to say but find that I can't tell anyone. I'm sorry if it's a bit long or confusing, I'm just trying to get my thoughts in order, so please, just bear with me.

Over Valentines day (which also happened to be presidents day which means the army gets an long weekend) my boyfriend spent $600 to fly me out to see him at his base in AZ for 4 days. It was the best 4 days of my life. It had only been a little over a month since we'd last seen each other over Christmas but because he's shipping out in September and due to circumstances I'll describe in a minute it may be the last time we see each other for years.

We have actually known each other for 6 years, we in ways, kind of grew up together. But I had never considered dating him before Christmas of this year (though he on the other hand had been pursuing me almost as long as I'd known him). Before he joined the army, he was crazy. He was vulgar and obnoxious and sometimes violent and though I could handle being friends with him, there were times when we didn't talk for months. Over Christmas this year, out of the blue I get a call from him asking if I'd like to hang out. It had been over 7 months since I'd last seen or talked to him so I reluctantly agreed, and it was the best decision I've ever made.

Of course it didn't take me much more than 2 seconds to see that he'd joined the army, what with the hair cut and all, but I knew within the fist 10 minutes of being with him that alot more had changed than just his hair. Over the next 5 days or so we spent just about every night together, watching TV, playing games and catching up, nothing intimate. It was when he told me he would be heading back to base in a few days that I knew I had to be with him. That was the night we first kissed.

I cried the night he dropped me off at my home before he headed down to the airport. I knew I would miss him, however looking back, I could have never imagined our relationship would develop into what it is today.

Every night since then we have talked. Sometimes for hours, sometimes just a few moments, depending on his schedule, but I find myself living for those minutes. Everyday it's like I have an unseen clock going inside my body counting down the time until 6:00 my time (5:00 his) when I know he's out of class. Hearing his voice, or even just knowing he's there on the other side of the phone gives me a feeling of comfort I cant even begin to explain.

We knew we had to see each other again as soon as we could. So many things had changed since we'd first kissed, we'd grown to know each other on whole new levels and I think we both needed proof that this was all real. We really only had one option. It had to be a 4 day weekend of him (my classes schedule allows me to have 4 day weekends every week) and it had to be before my classes let out in May. We both come from very traditional, religious households where it would be a struggle to explain to my parents and his that I was going to fly out to see him and stay in a hotel with him all weekend. This gave us one weekend, Feb 13-17.

I flew out to see him, telling only a few close friends what I was doing. We spent 4 beautiful, intimate days together, really never even leaving the hotel room. I lost my virginity to him on that Sunday. I had been saving it for the right man, one that I believed I could spend the rest of my life with and after everything we'd been through I knew I could trust him with it. Also, there was this part of me that made me want to give him everything. I guess it was the fact that I don't know when I'll get to see him again, if ever.

Leaving him at the airport was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. Kissing him goodbye and watching him walk away broke my heart, and his. I cried all the way through security and I collapsed at my gate in sobs. We texted and talked throughout my entire trip back to Nashville.

When I got back to campus I told a few friends about my trip, people I trusted not to judge me, and was criticized so harshly for having sex that I've had to stop talking to these people. I feel like I have no one to talk to about what I'm going through. The only friends I have left I don't talk to about him because I know they wont understand and this had built up a wall between us as friends. Added to this is the fact that they are all in happy relationships, hugging and kissing and being together with their boyfriends/girlfriends. These two factors have driven me to spend the majority of my time alone and I think I'm slipping into some sort of depression. As I said before, I live for the moments that I get to talk with him. I'm also hundreds of miles away from my family and friends back home and so I spend alot of time on the phone talking to them as well. 

God, I realize how pathetic I sound. I'm so sorry guys, really, I'm not as sad as this is looking. It's just that at the moment I'm really going through a rough time. All I know is that I need to see him. Collage hasn't been going well all year and if it wasn't for the fact that he's shipping out in September, I'd move to AZ in a heartbeat. 

I guess I'm really just looking for someone to tell me that they understand. That they've been there or that they are there. I never dreamed that I'd fall in love with an Army man and I don't know what I'm getting myself into, other than I have no choice. 

I think you should get an award if you've made it all the way to then end of this story or whatever it is. After rereading what I wrote I can see that I haven't done this story justice at all. But I feel a bit better, getting it written out, so it'll have to do for now. I'm gonna end it with a text message he sent me tonight, thanks for again for reading and God bless:

"I love you more than anything in the whole world baby, you mean everything to me."  


mgrocker mgrocker
18-21, F
6 Responses Feb 27, 2009

Its so crazy because we've really spent all of a week together since we've been together, but after comming back from seeing him this last time I have the same trouble you do. Not being able to wake up next to him, or rather, be woken up by him, (he's used to getting up at 4:30 so 6 is sleeping in lol) really just suxs. I know that I can get through it, I really have no choice, it's just that I feel like every day i'm not with him i'm torn apart a little more.

my boyfriend doesnt deploy for awhile but it is so hard waking up every morning without him next to me. granted, im only sixteen but me and my guy have been together for two years and have always been inseparable. anyways, i understand where you're coming from. and definitely only being able to call each other. thats alll me and my boyfriend can do. it sucks, but you can do it. we all can. you two will be together before you know it and it will be amazing. :)<br />
stay strong girl.

Thank you all for sharing your stories and advice with me, I really do appreciate it. The reason we may not see eachother for years is because, number one, he enlisted for 6 years which don't start untill after his training, and number two, as we all know, the army does what it wants and he's in a special unit doing alot of stuff he can't talk about. Because of this, and because i'm a broke, full time collage student if/when he does get to come home there's no guarentee that I'll be home as well. We're really praying that it wont be as difficult to see eachother as we're expecting, but right now the prospect looks bleak. <br />
Thank you so much huntress65x55 for the bible link, i'll definitly be checking that out.<br />
And ColesOneandonly18, you're so right, i don't think anyone can really understand but other army girlfriends/wives. Thank you for being there.

I don't know what you are going through truly cause my soldier won't be deployed for a long time, but I know what it is like to not be able to talk to people about it, this past valentine's day I got him a military bible, and on the website I found a bible for the loved ones of soldiers who are deployed, I hope it helps! Here is the website.... The Bible is called, Finding Hope Beyond the Battle.<br />
<br />

Hey Darlin,<br />
i understand partly i sorta been through the same thing but my army man hastn shipped out just yet and waiting for that call telling me is basecially is killing me. mine is in texas right now and iam in florida its killing me but jsut like you iam waiting everyday for that phone call or text message even if its for a second iam happy. and you may be depressed but iam here if you ever need to talk. iam sorta in the same boat so we can help one really understand except other military girlfriend/wives. so write back. and why wont you get to see him for a long time?

Its good you got it all out. So why is it you may not see him for so long? x