46 Days

Well Nick is starting his 4th week of BCT today at Fort Leonard Wood.  So far I've gotten a phone call from him every Sunday, and he's written me once a week, just like he said he would.  He started out getting 10 minutes the first two weeks to talk, and the first week, even though it was only a very brief conversation, I was happy just to ear his voice.  The second week though, it sounded like he was rushing me, and even though I had no reason to doubt how much he loves and cares about me, I still did, just because of the rushed conversation.  So I got really upset and wrote him a letter explaining my feelings, and apologizing for being so upset about it, but I told him I wasn't going to pretend.  The next week he had 20 minutes to talk and he called just me instead of both his parents (they're divorced) and after that call I felt so much better.  It was so good to talk to him, just like we used to talk every night during the fall semester while I was at school.  I didn't feel rushed and we were able to talk without him checking the clock every two seconds. 

The letter I got from him this week was in response to my letter and he spent 3 pages reassuring me about how much he loves and cares about me and how I don't have to pretend that I'm happy when I write to him.  He told me he'd do his best to make more time for me on the phone. 

This past week has been kind of rough, I find that instead of it getting easier as time goes on, it only gets more difficult.  I just want to fast forward 46 days when I'll finally see him graduate from basic and I'll be able to talk to him on a regular basis again.  And the fact that he only had 10 minutes today to call as compared to 20 only made my week and my day worse, since I guess some of the guys in his platoon had ruined it for the rest of them.  (I'd pretty much been holding back tears all day).  He only talked to me for 5 minutes because he was going to call his parents after and even though I tried my hardest not to get upset, when he said he had to go, I still did, and I tried to hide the pain in my voice because I started to cry, but I know he could tell anyway.  We hung up and shortly after his mom called me because he'd told her that I'd been upset when we hung up.  And so she felt bad (I'm really close with his family) and she tried making me feel better and stuff and said that she reminded him that she wants him to just call me and not worry about calling them which she told him before he left.  He texted me on the phone saying he was sorry and that he loved me so when I got off the phone i broke down again.

I just wish that this would get easier.  It's so frustrating, because I'm trying my best to be strong and live normally while my best friend is gone, even though it feels like half of me is missing.  But I find that I'm only pretending to be happy, just because I know that if I acted how I feel I wouldn't be much fun to be around and I'd end up just alienating myself from people. 

I feel bad being upset when he's told me that he holds back tears every time he has to hang up.  I don't want to make it any harder for him.  I just next week I get to talk to him longer.  I feel so pathetic, like i should be grateful that I get regular calls from him and not upset that it's only 5 minutes.  I've just never missed someone so much in my life or hurt so much in my life.  I just have to keep telling myself 46 days till I see him.

TrueLoveSurvives TrueLoveSurvives
18-21, F
3 Responses Feb 7, 2010

I know exactly how you feel about it getting harder instead of easier every day! Jeremy has been gone for 2 weeks now, I haven't gotten a call yet but I expected that, I'm hoping to get one this coming Sunday, and I hope he can give me his address too. Just know that your boyfriend REALLY loves you and cares about you, and I'm sure he feels just as bad for the short phone calls. Keep your chin up! :)

I know that. You don't think i know that I"m lucky that he called? But those brief calls only make it worse honestly. Because you hang up and it feels like it never happened.

girl your luckey he even got to call my man cant call.. hes at fort knox an he only had 2 calls an each was 2mins long an that was the first 2 weeks he was there an march is he graduation.. be sooo gratefull for a TEN min call OR FIVE min calls..