I Need To Talk About This Or I Will Explode!!!!

Before I say anything more, I want to preface by saying that at times during my story I do sound selfish and I recognize that, which is why I made the final decision that I made.

My boyfriend of 2 and a half years and I have been discussing marriage. He is in the reserves (i thank my lucky stars) and will be deploying next year. He only has 4 years left of service, and I guess I always assumed that he would want to be done after that so we could focus on our family and our careers. Recently, he's been hanging out with his sergeants and they've become role models for him. I'm glad that he has responsible mature role models like that, because he definitely needs them. But because of their influence (and other reasons) he told me that he was thinking about staying in for a longer period of time. 10 or more years, possibly.

At first, I was not a fan. I kind of felt betrayed. I couldn't understand why he would want be involved in something that would take him away from me for any longer than he already has to. I told him that if he did this, I refused to have children because i didn't want to be a single mother with my husband risking his life miles away. I didn't want to have to gather children around the web cam to say hello to daddy. I can't believe I said those things. I understand now that this is an extremely selfish point of view, but it makes sense. It's a very difficult lifestyle, and I'm young. It scared the hell out of me.  I felt like he would be making these huge decisions that would be affecting our family without my input. This really felt like a deal-breaker. But I refused to accept it as one. I love him too much to just give up.

After talking to him about it, I learned some things about how he felt. He described how much he enjoyed the army, how it challenges him, how he feels he can excel. How after I told him how I felt, he was afraid that he would have to choose between me or the army. That's something I refuse to force him to do. He was worried that he wouldn't have my support if he were to deploy multiple times. If he was abroad and always feeling guilty for leaving me with children alone, he would be compromising his safety.

So I started to think about it from his point of view. If I were a man about to deploy, of course I would want to be married and have children, despite the difficulty and pain of having to leave. More people to come home to and to live for. The whole man thing about spreading the seed and continuing his name. Then I thought about my feelings. If, years from now, we are married and he had to deploy again, of course I would want children. I would want to honor his wishes, I would want somebody to hold when he isn't there, and if the worst should happen, someone to remember him by. Suddenly, all of my thoughts earlier made little sense. I felt guilty for saying those things to him. I do forgive myself, because I know how hard it's going to be. He can't expect me to be happy when the time comes, but he can expect me to support him by taking care of his family, his home, and myself. And I will. I promise to.

My sister tells me that I should look out for my own happiness. I think she feels like an expert because she's seen Dear John. She doesn't want to see me lonely or sad. But, the truth is, I'd be lonely and sad if we broke up. It's in my best interest to stay with him and make the sacrifices. Besides, that's not what unconditional love is about. It's about caring only for the happiness of the man I love. And if that means he chooses to stay in the army after his time is up, then so be it.

psox16 psox16
22-25, F
2 Responses Feb 12, 2010

hey this is normal emotions and everything. u have to think about yourself and think about the childrens life style. i talked to my husand and he wants kids 2 but i had look at the childs point of view, never seeing daddy and not understanding why he leaves every so often. i would say dont worry bout children till after you get married. it was just a panic attack we all have them. just make sure u say i love u to ur man every day :)

hey girl these are all normal feelings if you love him stick with him .... if you think its worth it i know my sad times with out him can not compare to my happy time with him message me if u need to talk ... xoxo cait