A Letter To My Husband After R&rHey handsome!
you're more than likely sleeping. well, maybe... it's like 06:30 there right now. i miss you so much... i don't know if should tell you this but i've been having a hard time dealing with the last week. it's not your fault so please don't feel bad... and i will be alright so don't worry too much. i think the taste of you being home was just a little too much of a tease (if that makes any sense at all).
i apologize for writing to you using hooahmail again but i've been working too late every day this week to make it to the post office to ship out your package. if i don't get it out this weekend i promise i'll get it out early next week. i don't think i've left work before 17:00 at all this week. today we did 1,400 packages and that's not even counting the ones that didn't make it down to steve (the shipper). i'm so glad tomorrow is friday... and this is probably the only time i'm going to say this but i'm thankful i'm not pregnant so i can get ****** drunk this weekend. lol...
i wanted to write about that, anyway... i'm sorry. i know it's not my fault, but i'm sorry that we got our hopes up... that it ended up this way. i also want to mention something that i'm not sure if we ever talked about... i know that i should remember this conversation if we have had it before but i don't... so.. here it goes: if i end up being incapable of carrying a baby full-term, how do you feel about asking lynn to do it? my eggs, your *****.. just grown inside her.. please be honest. either talk to me about it on the phone or write me a letter. you better be sending me a letter soon, regardless....
i've been thinking a lot about gabriel since you left... i'm not really sure why. more than likely because i had convinced myself i was pregnant, but i've been having that nightmare again. the one with geegee in it. i think i've had it maybe five out of the nine nights you've been gone. i'd do anything to make it stop. i wake up crying and can't go back to sleep.. and this teddy bear is just not cutting it anymore as a substitute for you. i think i'm just stressed out. you're gone again, work sucksssssssss a lot, i'm disappointed by the whole baby idea in general at this point and i'm just not happy... don't get me wrong - you make me smile and remind me every day that i have so much to be happy about, but you not being here makes those moments too few and far between to keep a smile on my face 24 hours a day. like i said to you before you had to go... i just don't feel like being strong anymore sometimes.. and those "sometimes" are more often than i'd like them to be.
i'm sorry. i feel like a jerk for telling you all of this stuff because i know you're probably gonna get down about it and worry more than you need to about me but you better know me well enough to know that i'll be fine and that you're the reason. i'm strong, you make me stronger and our love is my strength. if that's not reassurance enough for you, make it be. you'll be home with me in a little more than 6 months and that's my reason for getting out of bed. i love you, with all of my heart and soul. again, i apologize for letting this all go but i don't really have anywhere else to express this kind of stuff. you're the only person i wanna talk to about it, and this is the only way i can do that. do you know how lucky you make me feel? i have my best friend as my husband. the most amazing person i have ever known is the man i get to spend forever with. this all sucks right now, but our future is destined to be one thousand two hundred eighteen scoops of hooah.
it's getting late and since i haven't beein sleeping well i'm gonna try going to bed early.... which i'm kind of afraid to do - in fear of missing a phone call (considering i haven't heard from you all day)... but i'm gonna change my voicemail again for you. i hope you have a good day and think a million times about how much your wife loves you before you go to sleep tonight. please write to me.. i want somethin i can read over and over again that makes me smile over and over again. =)
i miss you, baby. && i love you, i love you, i love you.
the one who loves you most.
(( please feel free to leave comments/questions or share thoughts/experiences. i need all the help and support i can get. ))
snavemanirhc 22-25, F 1 Aug 6, 2010