Is It Really Love?

I got divorced 2 and  a half years ago. I met the most fun caring guy . I will describe him as a free spirit of sorts.My heart has always been with him. Last summer  his ex called late one night. The phone woke me not him. I was with him at his home which is 1000 miles away from my home so I was going to be there for a while. I looked in his phone and he had an H for the contact. I knew his exs name was heather. I called the number the next am from a blocked phone and hung up.  Two days latter he left me in his house for 3 days on Labor day weekend. I was in shock, but instead of saying anything to him about the call, because I snooped. I let him go. Got drunk and burned some of his favorite shirts then left.

I appologized and 4 months later he called me around the holidays. We didn't really talk about it but he knew I new about her. Christmas eve he just dumped me. I almost died untill March he came back I traveled with him for a weekend and he dumped me again. I called him he said he was with someone. I ended up drinking got a DUI and ended up in the hospital for stress. I called him told him I was in te hospital he never called me. I had a long recovery and just when I was maybe starting to get better. In June he called me and told me he was free and boat a nice boat. So I went back. the minute I got to his house I ran upstairs to the computer and looked at the e-mails of the dates before I saw him. He was with heather on Memorial day weekend she politely dumbed him. He told her he loved her and sounded sad.  I told him immediatly and he took me to dinner, very sweet. We have been together up until this june2010.

I helped him bring his boat up north, while we were sleeping he turned his back to me..I tried to hug him he pulled away. I said I love u and he said don't push it. I got up looked in his phone and there she was again just informative and polite not anything romantic at all. Two days into the ttrip he was still cold.and there was another guy aboard, but I just wanted to hug him not have sex. So we had dinner and drinks and I walked away and called her from my phone.she answered and told me she will have nothing to do with him. I went back went to sleep, the next day I blew up at him in front of his friend. We were on our way  to his daughters wedding. we got back to his house and two days later he called her again,he said because he wanted to appologize for my phone call.But he was so mad at me threw me out. I never went to his daughters wedding and we have talked onthe phone twice and email. I emailed her and told her anything he ever said bad about her and I forwarded to him..All I wanted was him to know that I can't handle their contacts because he still had her in his life as a friend..in his mind anyway.

So now for three weeks I am paralyzed for the way I acted.  I love him so much and I know if I had left it alone we would be together now. He says maybe in afew months if I gut my act together maybe he will be my friend. He says hes hurt and lonely. But I felt he overreacted just before his daughters wedding. I was sure he would cool off so I could go but he did't. I text him and sometimes he calls me he said he watched the wedding video and sees himself all alone and how sad he was, but when I ask him if I can come back he just says I hurt him too much the breakup was too public.  I am devasted..I;m so so devastated  What can I do? What should Ido???I can't move out of my house...really bad.
kpsmiling kpsmiling
51-55, F
8 Responses Jul 10, 2010

He sent me an email that a wonderful place that we used to go to burned down. just short stuff and pictures of the fire. Then he said I forgive you and hope you can be happy. I can't forget what happened though. You need time to show yourself your never going to repeat the crazyness. What does that mean?????????

The deep feelling of always wanting to please and maybe get approval is not love, in some sense it is and addiction to needing love for sure. And when someone blatently hurts you and go back again and agin for more...well thats just crazy...I went to the doctor today to get some antianxiety and anttidepression drugs,,,,They will make my stop reliving the nightmare and focus on myself<br />
<br />
Thanks so much,,,,keep the comments coming kpsmiling

I have only joined this site today. But I went straight to the jealousy topic, I am crazy jealous too. It is not all my fault, he feeds the fire also, but he made mistakes because he doesn't know how to do relationship and does stupid things sometimes and then tries to cover up or deny or explain it away. doing relationship is an everyday learning experience. You need to know when you are just snooping or have reason to look into his emails or phone etc. I have many experiences to share if you like. I am still married to this man and we go through these issues all the time. He is jealous also but reacts to it very differently. The two most helpful breakthroughs we have had in,our relationship is when to know whether you are crossing the other persons personal boundaries, and when to know when you are genuinely protecting the relationship. I am married to this person but that still does not give me the right to snoop and I have incredible guilt when I do. I know how you feel, I live it everyday. It almost becomes like an addiction, and when I find the smallest clue that I think I am onto something, I blow it out of the water. I am just lucky I have a man that is comitted to the marriage vows we made. Personally I know it is an addiction and I try to break this addiction constantly. I know changing partners would make no difference, I would do it to others as well. Take a deep breath, start a fresh and break this addiction. Take your power back, don't put it in the hands of another person. You will breath, see,smell,enjoy,laugh,cry,sleep,wake whether the other person is in your life or not. Deal with relationships that come and go like a grieving process, feel it, grieve it, deal with your side of it, put it to death(the realtionship you HAD), move on. Remember negative attractives its own kind, positive attracts its own kind. Speak out what you want in your life, write down what you want in your life, focus on what you want in your life. Do not get distracted by what may seem or like similiar to what you want in your life, target your focus on what you want in your life, don't waste your time on anything less.

Kpsmiling,<br />
<br />
He sounds like not so nice of a guy. He sounds very very manipulative. He's probably got a girl in every port. The reason I think he's stringing you along is as backup if this girl dumps him he can always says oh but Kpsmiling likes me, she can never say no to me! What an *******! If you had faith that he wouldn't cheat on you and felt comfortable in the relationship, you never would have been looking at his phone. Some inner sense in you knew something was wrong. Do I think you're wrong at looking at his phone, HELL NO! If a man is gonna hide a guilt trip while he's out helping himself to other women, then burning his clothing and looking at his phone sounds mild to me.<br />
<br />
He has no respect for you, the other girl, or any type of relationship. He's thinking that he is God's gift to womankind and that no one can resist him. I don't think he'll change for you. The only way to get back at him is to totally ignore him. This will drive him crazy! He'll be wondering what the hell happened? Doesn't my magic work anymore for Kpsmiling? Am I losing my touch with women? That is why this other girl is stringing him along, she is totally ignoring him and that gets him more and more interested. My best advice would be to keep busy ignore his calls, if he asks you out-tell him you are busy even if busy means you are at home watching movies. Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you alone and wanting him. If you live like you don't need him, eventually you won't. And he'll come running to you....<br />
<br />
I hope this helps.<br />
<br />
Irene

Hey there kpsmiling,<br />
<br />
I feel so sad for you hon! It's not fair that these guys - and we've all experienced it - can't just be honest and say to you "look, I am just not in the same place with you right now." I mean, what do they think we'll do - we couldn't possibly be capable of getting on in life without them, could we? <br />
Truth of the matter is that he wants to keep you there because knowing how you care for him is really good for his ego. But I can guarantee that if you keep contacting him or allowing him into your life, you will eventually push him into telling you the truth: That he doesn't care about you as much as you do him. If he did, he would have been honest, up front and not turning his back on you. <br />
I agree with everything Synclaire has said to you here - you deserve so much more than this heartaching uncertainty. <br />
Hold out for the guy who will truly appreciate you and show you the many ways in which you are valued. They do exist, they are out there and you deserve nothing less. <br />
<br />
Take care,<br />
Min.

it's not good that you want to have been ignorant of the truth that he was hiding from you. it's that action itself that he didn't tell you anything that already says that he's not being right with you. you're a woman who deserves respect. you will find someone better, you will get something better as long as u believe it. you don't tell him anything. you don't. start building your life on your own. make your own foundations. make your own groups of friends. find passion on something else. what you're thinking is unhealthy. don't ever pine for him. because to him, you're a "maybe".<br />
<br />
Right now what you really should do is, like I said, make your own life without him in it. if he comes along, keep your head intact and be dignified and proud of yourself. be strong. stand on your own. Find things that will make you feel better. it's so unhealthy that you're only thinking of him. that's not the kind of life you should live. your time is much more precious. be smart, don't ever expect anything from him anymore. because it's obvious that it's really over. he "might" want to be friends, but then so what? it's not worth going for more, because it's not happening. <br />
<br />
please, for your own health, step forward and live life as your own. don't ever look back unless you're going to reminisce. just keep moving onward. he's out of the picture. and if he comes back in, just stay friends. because that's all it is going to be. there's already too much damage.<br />
<br />
I really hope you'll find your way. -Synclaire

I am so in love with him his kids his lifestyle I keep going over over and over in my head if ihad only flown up if i hadn't looked in his phone he keeps telling me i ruined it. But deep inside me somewhere inside me I have to come to the conclusion that he will never change...I'm not the one for him...but it is so hard...I'm sick. what should i do. tell him I realize it's forever? he said maybe in three months or so we can be friends again. I will be waiting looking at the calander. then I think was I so overreact because I wanted to stop it in pupose and the drinking amplified it? thank for that won

hmm i feel sorry for what had happened. but mainly, there are many mistakes from what had happened here. and you obviously know what those mistakes are. But what should have happened was, the moment he left for the other woman, the main thing that should have come to your mind was it's over. the second time was a major give away. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, as a matter of fact, I'm sorry what happened, happened. But all in all, it's a total fact you deserve better. because he's hooked on someone else. and one thing that was wrong was: each time he called you, you went to him. you have to be independent, you don't run for him when he calls you. be calm, and if it's too short of a notice, refuse. your time is precious, it's not the type of time that can be easily disregarded. <br />
<br />
so it's now a solid answer for you: you have to move on. get someone else who will appreciate for you. manage your time wisely. <br />
<br />
You have to have self control. Control yourself. If he calls you, don't answer right away. Think first. Think of what you should do. <br />
<br />
I'll quote from above: "but when I ask him if I can come back he just says I hurt him too much the breakup was too public. " it is true that it was public, and it was embarrassing. but if you think about it, you exploded to begin with because he didn't talk to you about what he really feels. what his true feelings were. he also had a hand in this mistake. it's not ALL your fault. you made wrong moves. but it's because he wasn't clear to you to begin with. He was vague, right? <br />
<br />
If he tells you that he feels alone, it will be tough to do it, but offer your sympathy as a friend. there is definately no chance of getting back with him. why? because you should get someone better. it's not because you're better than him, or he's better than you. it's because you deserve someone who will give you the attention and respect.<br />
<br />
Overall, think of your actions. How will you make it better? well, begin with making yourself feel better. do all the things you enjoy on your own or with your friends. if you start thinking about him, talk about him with someone who will help you think about the way things are positively. yeah, you're embarrassed, but keep in mind, it's a natural, human, reaction. so think of it as a lesson, that you'll never do it again. <br />
<br />
i hope you'll feel better. but it's best that you get over that man, because you need to use and spend your time more wisely. be more independent. be stronger. <br />
<br />
thanks for reading, I'll be here for support ^_^ and i apologize if i am too rough. but you can do it x3