Never Used To Be Jealous Until He Cheated On Me

I'm stupid because I always trust men who I should keep a watchful eye on.  I trusted my then boyfiend Dave when we first started dating, becase my ex NEVER cheated on me.  I never had someone cheat on me.  I don't have much experience with men except for quickies and marriages.  I hardly had any boyfriends.  When my boyfriend got online, I thought that he was just talking to friends until I read one of his instant messages.  I got an eyeful so I asked him what the heck were these instant messges about, he denied them and told me I was blowing it out of porportion.  OK.  He gets deployed, next thing I know, I'm dealing with his bills, no money coming in except for my paycheck and I have to pay my bills and his.  He tells me he's not gotten paid.  I believe him like an idiot and then I find out, yes he has gotten paid, I have the check stubs, duh!  Then he tells me that he's met some woman in Texas and that he has to help her deal with the loss of a boyfriend, and I did get jealous then but I kept it in check and told him, please don't let her get the wrong impression.  He also told me during this time that on Wednesday's he needed to guard the gates, so he couldn't talk on the cellphones during this time.  I took it all in stride but I noticed a distance and it unnerved me so around Christmas time, I decided that enough was enough and I sent him a note telling him that I no longer wanted to be with him.  I told him, you feel very distant and I can't deal with that so I wanted to end it.  He convinced me not to end it and instead proposed to me.

We got married and I thought we were doing good, although he seemed real moody.  That's when he calls me about 4 or 5 days before Valentines Day and tells me that he's been cheating on me since the time he got to Texas which was close to 5 months.  And he tells me that she's pregnant and says the baby is his.  After losing the trust, I went into total breakdown mode.  I would search his pants, jackets, briefcases, cars, PC, cellphone, anything that might mean he was hiding something, it was almost like an obsession with me to find it first.  Bad part is, I was never disappointed.  I found women's phone numbers, numbers to hookers, email addresses, screen names, dirty pics of both him and other women some other "somethings".  I would be so consumed by the jealousy and the hurt that I would sometimes get into panic and couldn't breathe, couldn't eat, couldn't even drink water, couldn't sleep. 

I now believe he does it for attention.  I've come to the point that I don't care anymore.  Let him have affairs, let him hump a three legged man for all I care.  I have no more respect for him.  He disgusts me to a point.  I don't believe I love him anymore, I care about him like a friend would, but I don't care about who he loves or doesn't love.  He says he loves me, I said wow, you do?  I told him I don't think we love each other, I think we are just comfortable with the known.  He's hurt me too often for me to care.  We no longer have sex, I thought at one time this was bad but the more I look at it maybe it's a good thing, at least I won't get aids or some other STD's.  Who the hell knows who the heck he's been screwing around with.  If I had the guts to cheat on him I would, teach him how ****** up that feels.  Let him feel the hurt for once in his selfish, pathetic life.

Jealousy is a two edged sword.

irene
IntuitiveOne IntuitiveOne
41-45, F
1 Response Jul 12, 2010

wow,i feel the same too. actually mine`s just starting.. :( my bf`s been chatting romantically with girls, and these girls would fall in love with him and when i find out about these chats, i`d confront him about this and he`d just tell me he`s just bored. :/ i feel so sick cause i can`t seem to help myself and leave him cause im pregnant. but, i really don`t know cause i feel like everyday i`d get more jealous and i would check his emails and accounts, and it would get so tiring and i`d feel so disgusted by myself cause before my boyfriend, i was really attractive that i`d have these men proposing to me all the time. now i feel like if i`ll be living with this situation much longer, and i know he won`t stop, i`d probly end up really broken that i might not be able to fix myself anymore :(
im really thinkin bout leaving him, but i dont wna make the wrong decision since we`ll be having a baby so im still weighing things out.