I Hate the Way I Am

Whenever I date a guy, the monster comes out. I have learned to control it and not act on it or show it but it still runs free inside. it makes me think that every girl he looks/talks to/is friends with is better to him than me and is indefinitely more funny/beautiful/smart/interesting/pretty...you get the picture and whenever I see him talking to another girl or when he talks about one of his friends that are girls I hear my dad's voice saying that I'm worthless and my mom's voice saying that I'm pathetic. I have really low self esteem so I fall into jealousy easily. I try my hardest not to let it show and it doesn't 99% of the time. I really hate being jealous but when most of the father figures in your life have been abusive and then you find a man that treats you right, it's so easy to be jealous because once you've had that taste of being treated good you cling to that and you want him all to yourself and the other girls are a threat to keeping him.

cassandrathethinkerbleedsteal cassandrathethinkerbleedsteal
18-21, F
6 Responses Nov 19, 2008

I have no control over the jealousy but it's very rare now anyway. My hubby cheated on me and at first I thought I was losing my mind because he seemed real distant. Then I decided maybe we needed a break so I was getting ready to break up with him and then he starts on this trip and starts telling me that I'm just being jealous. At that time we weren't married and he convinced into thinking that I was being PARANOID.<br />
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Little did I know he was busy giving it to some stupid ***** in texas. Then we got married and i find it odd him telling me that he needed to council a girl because she was having a hard time with an ex boyfriend and I kept thinking why is he doing that? But I told him to be careful because I was uneasy about him getting so close to someone when we were 2000 miles apart. But stupid me trusted that jerk. Then he calls me on VALENTINES DAY and confesses to me while I am at a friend's house. Turns out she said she was pregnant and was threatening to call me so he spilled the beans instead. Men are pigs.<br />
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thankyou, I try really hard not to let it show.

i relate so much... and its so much owrse when you can acknowledge it and see what you're doing yet you cant stop doing it.... im sorry x

yes I do have borderline personality disorder. it is rediculous but I just can't keep it from happening

Did I read on one of your stories you ahve Borderline Personality Disorder?<br />
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I am completely, totally the same, its so crushing and heartbreaking.... The only way I could describe it to my ex was that it felt like every time he talked/looked at/smile at another woman it felt like he was cheating on me...<br />
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its ridiculous but I cant help it.. urgh

what really ****** me off is when u have men admit to u that they did things purposely to make u jealous. i've ran across this situation a few times in the past. they said they were testing me to see my reaction. test? hell i thought school was over for me a long time ago! how immature is that?