Join The Club...another Lonely Wife

I've been married for almost 5 years. I am 30 years old. My husband and I had been dating for only a few months when I became pregnant. I never wanted a serious relationship with him, but he felt very strongly the opposite. We moved in together and became engaged during my pregnancy, however I soon realized the mistake of an engagement and called it off yet we remained together. I lost the baby. In that grief, we very quickly married and became pregnant immediately. After my child was born, I knew I couldn't be with this man forever but didn't want my first child to have an isolated experience. So we mutually agreed to give him a sibling before we divorced.

The sibling came 15 months after my first child was born. The children are now 2 and 3. The marriage became quite abusive - physically, sexually, economically, and most of all emotionally. I took the children and left him. I felt alive and was doing really well. He only had the kids a few hours a week and never even called or checked in. He went months without acknowledging me. then one day he said he had changed. As a mother, I had to give him one more chance. i did. Only the emotional abuse remains, but I have never been so lonely. I feel like I have gone into a coma in order to live here, with him, to keep the peace. I'm not leaving, Ive decided its best to have the kids' family intact. much debate went into that. I never thought a marriage could ever be so lonely and sad. How to cope without having an affair? I read alot about other people's lives. I relish stares from other men while in public. I listen to music and remember that there is passion buried somewhere, in a place so deep it can't hurt me.
metooitappears metooitappears
26-30, F
3 Responses Dec 8, 2012

I see your face!

Why did you fall in love with him in the first place to even agree to the marriage? I'm pretty sure that you found something in him that you like about. All marriage go through ups and downs. There are times when I hate my husband and feel unhappy about our lives together. I have thoughts of leaving him and taking my children away. I tell him how I feel all the time even though it seemed useless at that time because he doesn't seem to listen. I also encouraged him to tell me what it is that he doesn't like me doing or saying. People don't change overnight so you really have to be patient with him. Men are not like us women who can easily express how we feel and over analyze things. Thankfully after 5 years of marriage I learned to pick my battles, be organized in the house because that drives him crazy, he has learned to control his temper, he was verbally abusive but I didn't tolerate it. I'm the know it all kind of person but I now learned to accept when I'm wrong. We are happy together and our children are also happy seeing us together happy.

Did I tell you that I married my husband a month after I met him? I married him for convenience because I needed my visa here in Japan. I'm desperate and maybe we are both fools. But when I met him I saw something in him. His sincerity and he liked me because he thinks that I have a good heart. I'm sure that you found something in your ex-husband that worth fighting your relationship over. Open your eyes wide open and give more love then maybe you two will find happiness in your relationship.
I'm not a native speaker of English so excuse my grammar. Being happy is a choice. If you choose to be you can be. I wish you luck.

Is it really best to stay with him? What if he is emotionally abusive to your kids someday? Is it not better to find love and happiness for yourself and teach the kids that it is important to take care of yourself and keep your best interests at heart, while giving them enough of your love for both parents

You've got a point there and I agree with you if the husband remains abusive. He seemed to have changed though not completely. With the help of a professional like going into counseling for his abusive behavior and marriage counseling perhaps they could work their relationship out. If both parties are willing. If she was happy when she left him I wonder why she took him back again? I'm sure it's not just the children. Something was amiss in her life. She also asked how she can get through the loneliness without having an affair. I guess leaving him was not in her mind. If she's staying in the relationship then why not try to work it out ;if the relationship can be saved. If not, then they should live separately and make living arrangements for their children's best interest. I do believe that people can change for the better if they choose to and with the help of others just like my husband. I just didn't give up on him that easy. Thanks for commenting. I respect your opinion.

What you said makes sense and I agree marriage counseling might help. But some people do stay with someone just for their children...and I worry that might not be the best idea in this case. I worry since he was so abusive and she sounds so unhappy, but I hope he can change.