When Does a Lonely Wife Call It Quits?

  I feel like my husband and I are two single parents who just happen to live together.  I have been contemplating divorce for awhile now.  He works evenings and weekends and I work day shift Monday-Friday so our time together is limited and then he always has something better to do than spend time with me and our sons when we are together.  He has become such an angry, hateful person that I do not even recognize him as the man I married. 

  Our downfall began about a year ago when he had an emotional affair with a coworker.  He made many promises and goals when he got caught and has yet to make good on one of them.  He actually told me a few months ago he made all the empty promises just so I wouldn't kick him out of the house.  It's been difficult for me to move past this because he has done nothing to make it better other than telling me to "get over it."

  He has anger outbursts that are scary and also battles depression.  His anti-depressant has helped but he takes himself off of it every few months because he thinks he's "better". As a health care professional, I suspect he has an undiagnosed personality disorder but he will not go to the doctor to find out. 

  I have suggested marriage counseling and church and he has refused both.  He can recognize marriage problems but blames everything on me and takes no responsibility for his own actions.  I am an educated person with a great job, good mother, and good-looking so I feel I deserve better than the emotional abuse that I am living. 

  I truly feel I get nothing but heartache from my marriage.  I am the breadwinner, main parent, housekeeper, maintenance woman, decision maker, cook, homeroom mother and whatever other hat that needs worn all by myself.  We have been married for ten years and I'm to the point of when is enough, enough?  If I can manage the household by myself while working full-time wouldn't I be better off without him and his emotional abuse and lack of love?  There is no affection, kind words or gestures, he only tries to bring me down.  He also can't help me with anything because he's always too tired.  The only reason I haven't left before is because it would devastate our beautiful sons.  Please help, when do you call it quits and cut your losses?

 

lonelyinwv lonelyinwv
31-35, F
18 Responses Mar 28, 2009

Nobody wants to call it quits it always makes us feel like we have failed some how. Talk to someone who will listen to your side of the story, work out how you really feel and see if that wont help you with where you really are in your life/ Nobody can make the decision for you but you have to give it your best shot before you throw in the towel.

My heart goes out to you, I've had friends that waited until their kids grew up before they split, some cases they wish they had done it years ago. Other cases after the kids were gone and we all mellow out with ages their marriage was better then ever. I guess you need to decide if he's the man you want to stay with or move on. Good luck to you.

cut your losses...if he has abandoned you emotionally...and isnt willing to work it out...give him the boot...you ae way to young to be playing these games...find someone that willl love you

I feel for you...I feel the same way :(

same boat

Wish I could give you some advice. I find myself in the same boat. I dont believe in divorce but I do believe in seperation that can make both have clarity healing and gain perspective. But at the same time as much as Ive read these comments from bright kids I know all too well how hard it is to bring yourself to leaving. I feel like IM hurting them and as a mother you just wanna fix it even if that means more miserable and lonely years :( I dont know how so many men can be this way. Its baffeling. Im not saying anyone is perfect or that women are better but geez this seems all too common of a problem.

If u don't get u and the kids out of that abusive situation they will grow up thinking that is the way life should be, is that what u want for them? I think not!<br />
<br />
Show ur kids that is not the way for a husband and father are to behave.<br />
<br />
Good luck, I truly feel for you.

I am pretty much in the same boat so I have the same question. My husband isn't abusive or mean though, just uninterested. All he does is work, sleep, eat and that is it. I stopped sleeping in the same bed because it hurts too much to not have him touch me anymore. I get into moods where I hate him because i have mentioned separation to him several times but he won't leave. He says he loves me but i think hes lying. He just would rather stay in his house and do as he pleases.

Yep, been there. Left!

I know how you feel. I know he loves me but l know he's not in love with me. l'm the parent and he just works more and more. Now going out for the company meeting people. It's the long weekend and he's away all weekend text me only if I do. Breaking promise after promise. I can deal with it I guess but my 9 year old see it and I keep trying to be both parents and covering up. Even though I love him it hurts.

Your children will not thank you in 15 years time for making your own life hell on their behalf.<br />
<br />
They will feel so much GUILT and be angry at you for not doing what was best for you.

Thanks. <br />
<br />
I consider myself lucky because my parents never let it escalate to anything other than just a discussion (that I know of). I can't imagine the horror involved with parents constantly fighting around their children. If I'm ever in that sort of situation as an adult, I hope that I would put my children first and consider what's best for them.<br />
<br />
My parents negotiated a child-support amount that drastically helps our income.<br />
<br />
I completely agree. If parents stay together for their children, then the children are the ones who usually have to deal with the worst of it.

marla, what a mature response!<br />
<br />
I'm forty years older than you, but I recall a friend of mine at school whose parents were constantly arguing.<br />
<br />
They didn't fight in front of the children, saving their fights for after the kids had gone to bed......<br />
It was as if they thought the children were deaf to the raised voices and the sounds of smashing crockery!<br />
My friend would have to take her little brother into her bed to calm him down during these times......<br />
<br />
She said to me that she wished her parents would just split up and stop FIGHTING!<br />
<br />
Having said that, though, I must add that my friend's parents were both well-paid professionals, who both had the financial means to provide for thier children.<br />
<br />
hen my first marriage ended, I was left penniless - and that's a different story.<br />
<br />
No married couple should stay together for the sake of the children - because the children are the ones who have to cope with the melt-down.

Im only 14 but I have divorced parents. They split up when I was 2 because my mom was doing everything and my dad kept on wanting space. I can imagine that your sons feel worse with parents that constantly fight. My parents make a great effort to be civil with one another, and I think that if you feel like youre on your own already and things at home are less than good maybe you should ask for a divorce. I know its not exactly my place but you may also want to discuss this with your sons (depending on their age). I hope you make the right decision for you and good luck with everything.

Feeling tired is right on the money

I stayed with an abusive man for 10 years. I left when he began to abuse our daughter. It is abuse whether it is physical, verbal, emotional or distant. You child will be better off with a happy parent, you. Maybe your husband will get help, maybe he won't. You are not responsable for him. You are, for your child. A happy mom will make all the difference. My daughter is a well adjusted adult, and glad I let her ******* of a dad. Do yourself and your child a favor. Make dad take responsability for himself and you take care of you and yours. Children need a chance to grow up in a happy household and not be a victim to you and your husbands mistakes. Good luck. :)

I know what you are talking about im with my wife of 6 years right now because of are 3 year old daughter. Ihave no douths that my wife is seeing other men but i love my baby.But still i know that at some point I will have to leave to be happy in my life. I hope things work out for you better than they have for me .You know what You have to Do just like I DO .Good Luck. Troy4430

Dear lonely wife,<br />
<br />
I have been through the same situation; my husband didn’t seem to love me at all, he was never home and didn’t enjoy being with me and our 2 children…<br />
While I still loved him I suggested counseling and he wasn’t interested, but after several years when I stopped liking him he wanted us to go get help…we went, but I was no longer interested in saving the marriage because I totally disliked him by then.<br />
After 5 years of discussing this issue I finally had to leave because he was becoming violent and wanted to have sex with me against my will (I no longer loved him)…<br />
I left home with nothing and my 12 year old son decided to stay at home with dad since I had nowhere to go…my daughter was 18 and moved in with her boyfriend.<br />
It was difficult because I worried that he’d harm my son, and he did say some very nasty things about me in front of the child.<br />
The most difficult part was when my son begged me to return home and I told him that I couldn’t; I would have gone nuts or my ex would have killed me…<br />
My children are now 22 & 28, they are responsible, hardworking adults, but we have some minor communication issues which are a by-product of our unhealthy family setting; I was always sad and depressed because of my absent husband!<br />
Take care

My first husband left me so that he could move in with my so-called best friend.<br />
<br />
Even though it was his choice, he made the divorce HELLISH.<br />
<br />
Eighteen years later, we made contact through a social networking site and have managed to reconcile our differences.<br />
<br />
The woman he left me for, left him after less than two years......<br />
<br />
We should never have got married!<br />
<br />
We can be friemds now, in ways that we couldn't when we were together.

I know it is hard as ex wife did same thing to me and so I moved out and separated, went through counseling and found out we are better friends than husband and wife....am so I am moving on and so is she and both of us and our daughters are lots happier