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a very lonely wife married to a workaholic

 I am in my mid 30s. I been married for 9 yrs now and have 3 small children all under the age of 10.  Ever since we relocated to a different state to be together, I haven't adjusted, not even to this day.  Neither he or myself have any family out here and I, for the most part, feel like a single parent, who's married.  my husband works either long hours, travels, or work weekends (NOT exaggerating), while I am left handling/managing/raising our 3 children.  I work outside the home but I am the one who picks them up, brings them home, prepare dinner, homework, baths and bedtime.  He does help as much as he can, none-the-less; it's been primarily me thru the marriage.  Just w/in these last several months (due to the economy etc), he was able to come home early, however several months doesn't add up to the years.  intimacy is from approx 6 to 8 mos in space (sad I know) and when it does occur...I initiate (every time).  I never discerned any un-faithfulness, but I always felt his career/job is the "mistress".  Because the time away from the home has been greater than in the home, we don't have much of an emotional connection as a married couple should have.  We've talked, but no one seems to want to be the "bad guy" and call it quits. I did however, have papers drawn up b/c I became so depressed, resentful, un-loved, un-desired etc..that I couldn't take it anymore, but I felt that I would be failing our children by "not trying hard enough".  But does one stay in a marriage for the kids only???  I'm tired of being depressed and lonely.  Even "if" we divorced, I know living on my own, I'd still be "lonely", but it won't be the same thing to me.  The other thing is is that I don't have "my own" finances to go out on my own, as everything has been brought into this union w/ his hands.  I was a stay-at-home mother before going back work, but never was able to secure a nest egg for "rainy days".  We're not rich and barely getting by now.  Sometimes I feel family, nor "true"'s just me, my husband and our 3 children.  I honestly don't know what to do.  If anyone could offer ANY advice...all is welcomed.  Thanks.

spring73 spring73 36-40 58 Responses Sep 29, 2009

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I Really feel for you all, like you my story is very similar, I left my country and family to be with my husband. He was the love of my life.

For the first two years of our marriage I had tried to be forgiving and patient, there was always some project that needed to be done, some important reason to not be there.

For Two years I waited patiently for him to come home even once for dinner!
he never had time in the evenings to relax like a normal couple (normally working till 11:30 - 12 at night

and in all that time have only visited friends 2--3 times.

I didn't lose my temper or nag, I just hoped that things would eventually change
its my third year of being married, I cried for the first two years to sleep now I just don't know what to do anymore I just feel so numb and sad.

He says I nag now! but thats only because I want to discus it!
(apparently thats equal to nagging, even if you do it conversationally and with humour!)

(The frustration and sadness I feel is so immense, I see the life my parents had together and wish that for us, I see so much time wasted, the office will never give back the time to us or me, and never give any sort of loyalty in return for sacrificing the best part of our lives, or for sacrificing the best part of my life.)

Ive tried negotiating schedules, computer off time all with good humour.
but he just wont listen. (He just says he hasn't had time yet to look at his calendar or that its too busy)

I turn 40 this year and I had hoped so much to have a real family with real family time. I feel like this whole dream and possibility is over. nothing changes

my husband controls all of the money and how everything runs in the household, and has basically said If i don't like things to leave - he wont compromise on anything and wont even listen.

at other times he seems to be kinder and says he'll look at doing something, but any real changes are not there

I feel like I have to leave to be happy - but my heart is so broken.
I always feel like - if only

if only he'd see how life should be
if only he'd see how much I love him

but nothing can be normal with this horrible addiction to work.
so its pointless to even feel this.

I'm glad I found this website. I gained a lot of strength knowing my situation is the same as others. I've been married to a workaholic for 20 years and we have two teen boys. At times I hate my situation, the hours of work have been endless, my husband is not really that interested in the boys and that's what pains me the most that they don't have a close and engaged father. On the upside we have had a lavish lifestyle, well above the average, travelled a lot and seen the world and eat out, live in a big beautiful house.

Of course everyone posting on this topic knows that nice things will only make you so happy. We have never had dinners at home regularly as a family, I often go to things alone and family and friends really know what it's like for me and I think they pity me overall. Unfortunately my husband will never change, workaholism is an illness that is like any other addiction. The person will not change. Luckily my wonderful mother has been around for me and has provided a lot of support through hard times for me.

I have changed somewhat, I keep myself busy with interests, hobbies, photography, gardening, looking after the kids, running their sports teams and going out with my friends. I'm saddened that I'm always the one working out holidays and our family has been used like a hotel with no limits on when my husband can come and go. I do enjoy the upsides of the travel but the long hours alone are very hard as others have mentioned. I think things will change once both our boys have finished high school. I will have more choices, however I have no plans to leave home. I definitely feel my children come first here and life is better for them with us together.

I don't even think the person himself can change, sadly. I only hope I haven't gone through life with too many regrets. I have to look around and get a perspective, many children live in split households or without one parent.

I continue working on myself with many self help books, doing creative things and trying not to let a person really irritate me on a continual basis. It's very hard. Whatever mechanisms I've tried, like setting a time to come home, planning holidays, going away myself, only work to a certain point. I guess I have to be grateful for the good things I have in life.

I am looking forward to three years time when I really will be free to do what I want. Thanks again for a wonderful forum for sharing experiences. I've found lots of coping tips and reinforcement that I'm ok here.

Maybe you need to talk to other people who need someone to talk to. There is a myriad of people out there who are working through their own challenges and could use your help. It's interesting to me, life can be painful and beautiful at the same's a matter of perspective. I've noticed a pattern in my own life, which suggests that we're not here alone, that possibly our life challenges are being manipulated to help us to become stronger and wiser.

omg! It is after 2 am and my boyfriend of 12 years is at work. I know he's actually at work... we worked together for years and he's always had this crazy schedule. he works from 11 am until 4 am every weekday and sleeps most of the weekend. I thought it was cool and geeky (we're both programmers) when we were young.. Not so much now. I've saved a bunch and am taking a break from work -- and he's disgusted with me. I want to travel. I want to have fun on the weekends. Our finances are separate so there's no practical reason for him to care what I do but he disapproves. I originally stopped working when my Dad was dying and he accepted it until a few weeks ago when he started screaming at me - "so, what are you doing?! are you retired? is that what you are, retired?!" (Maybe I am, I don't know.) But I've been grieving and lonely and depressed and he has been almost entirely absent; when he is around, he is sullen and picky. The subtext is that he is angry at me for not working. Its funny, until now I never questioned his anger. Even though I support myself, he has a lot to say about how I spend money and what I do. I feel like I've been more and more under his thumb. Meanwhile, I'm paralyzed because I'm afraid of interviewing (tech interviews are hellish, especially for women, especially over 40) but I don't want him to hate me and I get into this mental cycle of remembering sad things and mistakes I've made and I feel totally stuck and worthless. I know I am not the happy, confident woman he fell in love with. I just look around my stupid, over-priced silicon valley *apartment* and notice, with horror, my 2 cats, and think: I am the biggest failure on the planet. I have absolutely nothing and no one, my family is mostly dead and my workaholic boyfriend is absent. But now I'm thinking: I wish he was totally absent - then maybe I could find someone who likes me.

It's unfortunate that your having a difficult time but this should not make you feel unlikeable. If this has been a pattern in your life, there might be many plausable explanations. First, is being accepted by the status quo really important to you. People who are linely are often make very good friends. I think that there are many people who want to be accepted by the wrong kind of people and fear leaving the painful security blanket they've wrapped around themselves. Explore other options for friendships, work at it, if you want it bad enough, you might be surprised what might come your way but mostly be honest with yourself about who you are. Everyone who is capable of being a good friend, deserves to have friendship.

I read your story and felt i was not alone.I have a kid and married for 12 years. My husband has an over possessive mom who stays with us.My husband basically a very caring person but bcoz of work pressure he startted neglecting me.Comes back at 12 in the night.sleeps an introvert and does not open up.if i ask him anything....says you should have got a better that the solution.....iam not walking out.....bcoz it will affect my kid..please take care and be strong and happy for yourself....pray and you can acheive more than what you think

I am joining only to answer to this post and hopefully help someone. Reading through I noticed a couple of posts from women who have stuck it out for years living with a workaholic. Having been married now to a workaholic for 38 years, I consider myself an expert.
I have sought counseling and in the end find that it is not a choice for people who work too much but an inner need to help fulfill lack of self esteem. Working good makes them feel good. As a wife, I have done just about anything and everything possible to help with my husbands need but in the end there really is nothing a person can do to help anothers self esteem. It is lonely but coming from a broken home myself, I chose to keep my family together. It is hard! There are times I too want to run...and far!!
If a workaholic could come home and give what they give at wouldn't be an issue. But, they stretch themselves so much that we end up with what is left and that is usually very little. My husband has worked seven day weeks, swing shifts, ran another business while I too worked and never felt financially set. So much of this was just his psyche and once again nothing I can change. One of the counselors did put the "responsibility" on me to turn things around...well folks, I have enough on my plate dealing with what I do to take on the responsility to shoulder another persons inadequacies. I feel this is what it is. I have never blamed myself...I have been a good, loving wife, raised good kids, kept a nice home and worked and kept myself interesting. We just can't change people like this. Period! So stop beating yourself up that it is something YOU are doing wrong...absolutely has nothing to do with you.
The tough choice is if YOU can live in this kind of situation because no matter how many years you are married it will not change. They will find another way to fill their needs, it may be yardwork, side jobs etc. they do not change and I repeat do not change!
Looking back because of my history, I don't believe I would have made the choice to leave. Was it the right one for me, no. It is not fun being lonely or dealing with a workaholics dreadfully boring, self gratifying personality but I have filled my life with friends and interesting people. My children are a joy as adults to be around and so I look at my "pie" in pieces. My piece labeled my "husband" is just that and as sad as this sound it really isn't so bad, just can sometimes be difficult. We can never be everything to one person yet, in a marriage I believe we deserve so much more than we get with a workaholic husband. Yet, I don't believe it is a fair trade-off to put children through a divorce and affect them their whole lives.
The toughest part is the loneliness! Robin Williams has a wonderful quote "I used to think the worst ting in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is sto end up with people that make you feel all alone". For anyone who is married to a workaholic this resonates truth!

I am a "workaholic" nice word for someone who would rather spend time at work than at home. YOU are the problem, YOU create an uncomfortable home enviorment for your husband, and so, life is more comfortable away from you. Now figure it out, and fix it before you loose him.

Wtf! You don't know what their situation is. Don't be a complete ***.

Nice reading skills.

Your response is rude and lacks, support, and respect. If you have a problem at home, look for help without being aggressive to others. We will pray for you, though. As we
pray for all those who prefer to hide and be hateful instead of being hopeful, communicative and positive.

What an idiot to post a reply like this one!
Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

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you dont have to be lonely i will be your friend come chat
if you want to vent come on as long as someone makes you smile your still fighting and only in your heart you know the answer its what you feel that will make your decision

Hi I am a fed up housewife and what a relief to read these posts that others have been though it and out the other side. I am married to a complete workaholic who has lost all perspective on what is important in life. We have been married for 14yrs and have two kids one teen and one pre-teen. I have lived now in two different countries and in the US three different states within the last 12yrs. My husband is a very hard worker with a very demanding job that pays very well. But he has no work life balance at all. In all the locations where we have moved he has never tried to make a life for himself and has no friends, interests or family and barely communicates with me on a normal level. He does not seem to need companions, friends or a social life. Any holidays, social life is by my doing ie my friends etc. When we are out on a date night there is a lot of silence and no laughter. He does not even react if I get looks from other men. He interacts with the kids on a normal level and . On the outset it seems I have the most prefect life no money worries and a high end lifestyle but I feel like a single Mon in a crap marriage. I can't get him to go to counselling as he is a introvert and he would never open up even though he knows his marriage is on the line. I have told him that he is losing me as I feel it is better to on my own and I can make my own decisions in life but he will not try to talk to me. Have tried everything under the sun to try and sort this out but don't know what else to do.

Hi Bridget,

I have also registered just to respond to you. My husband of almost 20 years is a workaholic. We live in a foreign country (US) and have relocated many times. Thinking back my husband was like this few months after we met. First few months I was his center of attention. After that it was work. He regularly comes home around 10:00 pm from work. Doesn't have any friends and doesn't talk to his family. I do have to admit I enjoy our financial security and lifestyle. But I don't even know how marriage is post to be. I know that I don't even include him in my life anymore. He is nice to our 3 children. Sometimes takes them to their sports game on the weekend. Mainly because I take one of them to their game as well. But I know that the children don't miss him. He doesn't have deep relationships with them. They love each other but the children rely on me. I know life is not perfect. I take the children around the world for few months in the summer. We usually meet my husband somewhere for 2 weeks. I wonder how this will all turn out...

Hi lonely housewife. I registered here JUST to respond. My story is a lot Luke yours, but with some small differences.
I am 33. I was with my husband 10 years total: 5 dating 5 married. He was always a hard worker, which got him much praise and respect from my parents, friends, etc. Slowly, I started noticing he had NO balance in his life. After we got married right after we both graduated uni, the trouble began. He worked incessantly but it seemed acceptable at the time because we were young and getting our careers off the ground. Hubby did very well for us and with a very comfortable if not lavish lifestyle made me the envy of our friends and my siblings. This praise and admiration was like fuel on his fire and spurred him on to work harder harder longer more hours mire days, etc etc. It was NEVERENDING. Then at about year 4 of marriage he began slllllllllowly pulling away from me and it was so gradual I thought I was being silly. Ladies, I have just one thing to say: if your husband finds any reason at all to sleep in another room and not initiate sexual
Activities EVER, something IS wrong no matter what he may say to the contrary. Here is where my story gets a bit different:
After months and months of him pulling away I finally commented that I was unhappy spending so much time alone and that something needed to change. I wasn't rude about it, I didn't cry, scream, or issue ultimatums. How did he respond? He immediately blurred out: "oh so you're unhappy too? Ok I think we should split up."... Just like THAT. As if he had suggested "hey u feel like pizza too? Let's order one."
I was in total shock. I insisted we go for marriage counseling. After just 3 sessions the therapist had him all figured out. She told him he's a workaholic and is risking losing all of his close relationships in life due to this illness. He was infuriated that she had pegged him do quickly and was trying to hold him accountable for his actions. That was all it took. We never went back and he left me. He LEFT MEEEEEEE! He acted as if it were some form
Of self sacrifice and I was still young enough to "find someone that can make me happy". I told him "you have the power to make me happy, you just refuse to dedicate the time to our marriage". He left that night and I was in shock for a long time. I myself have a busy and fulfilling career but I never let it get in the way of out marriage. He made the choice everyday to put work before me. Then he would justify it and play the martyr for working so hard. We had no kids, no extra mouths to feed, no financial crisis. His lack of self worth deep down drove him to be a workaholic to fulfill something he was lacking deep inside. It almost made me lose my sense of who I was. Attending parties, weddings, family events always Aline, always making excuses as to where he was. I felt useless when he left, because I no longer knew who
I was if I wasn't his other highly neglected half.
Guess what? 2 months after he left I fully realized how lucky I was. It was the best thing that could have happened. I am so much happier, in a fun relationship with a man 10 years younger than me, making up for lost time and enjoying myself immensely. I don't think I would have ever had the courage to leave him, because when you are in the thick of a relationship you lose sight of what is and us not acceptable. Like your nose adjusting to a bad smell, you can get used to the most putrid of situations and it isn't until you've had a breath of fresh air that you realize how close to suffocating you actually were.
Lets be honest, my husband left me for his own selfish reasons. But the result was that it was the most thoughtful and generous thing he had ever done for me.

Hi, I know this is old but I stumbled upon it trying to find answers as to why I am feeling excitement from a younger colleague at work. Questions answered led to more questions eventually leading me to "is his career getting in the way of our relationship?" Anyway, I have been with my boyfriend for six years and luckily we have no children and have both decided not to have any (i can't have children due to an illness). If I had to name his priorities I would say 1) his career 2) his ill parents 3) our relationship. I knew this coming into the relationship when I was only 23. I moved across the country to be with him and we have had a wonderful relationship but recently a young man and I engaged in some flirting one night while having some drinks at a company party and he filled me with excitement! I am familiar with these feelings and have had them in the beginning of past relationships but I never really had them with my current boyfriend. Our relationship has been very caring, respectful, and "organized" for a lack of a better word but in hindsight it looks more like an agreement than a love story. Anyway, he works a lot to take care of his parents and me and I am very thankful but I feel like his "workaholic" way of life is pushing me towards wanting to be with him for love and safety but pushes me towards another for excitement and passion....I know we can't have it all and I have cut ties with the young man although it was very difficult to do but I wonder if this will always be my life. A comforting safe relationship lacking intensity and passion...

Be careful. You will eventually be tempted because your current relationship isn't fulfilling you. Dont settle for less than you deserve. You should always be your mans first priority. Yes, he needs to work, take care of his parents, pay the bills; so do you that's reality. But there SHOULD be un underlying sense that you are his #1 and time and effort should be spent cultivating a passionate partnership. You won't be able to fake being satisfied forever and will eventually latch on to someone who will give you what you are lacking. Do yourself and HIM a favor, express your feelings. Give him a fair chance to prove he CAN be the man you want/ need. If he can't/ won't be bothered, there's your opportunity out.

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I cannot tell you what a relief it is to read such similar stories. To those of you who aren't yet married to a workaholic, I say RUN! it is an addiction, just like drugs or alcohol. The only differences are that it is socially acceptable, and thus easier for them to justify to themselves. The "high" they get is reinforced every time they show up (early) for work, every time they get a pat on the back from the boss, every time they make a coworker look bad. It's all about PRIDE.

I have been married for nine years, and all the jobs he's had, he's invested so much time and energy into them that it actually took a toll on his health. He had a blood clot enter his lung and almost died (away from home on a work trip, of course.) Even that wasn't enough to make him reassess. Eventually, he got used up and spit out from that company, and is onto his next one. The new boss actually doesn't want him working so many hours, tells him to go home, and he still won't. So 8 to 4:30 has turned into 7 to 5:30 or 6, except on Fridays when he buys beer for his crew and they stand around the shop drinking until 7, 8 or 9pm.

He justifies with the usual excuses: "If I don't stay and do it, it won't get done," "I have to make myself indispensable," and my personal fave, "I have to work hard to provide for our family." Of course, I am always being "selfish," "ungrateful," "disrespectful" and/or "mean" whenever I dare to broach the subject.

I have endured a miscarriage, a broken bone, two hurricanes and countless hours and nights alone. I gave up making excuses to my son, and now when he asks, I tell him the truth: "work is more important than we are."

I feel your pain. It's a socially acceptable even praised addiction. But it left me feeling unworthy and questioning why I wasn't enough to make him come home at a decent hour and spend time with. He'd opt to take me on fancy expensive vacations to faraway places then act as if he were the best husband ever for all of the lavish things he would do. But he'd just set up his laptop and work even on vacation. He got a high of off being "successful" like a narcissist primping and preening. Thank god he's gone. What a waste of a decade.

Wow, my husband does the same thing--he wastes money on taking us out to eat all the time; we just used up every dime of our savings accompanying him on a work trip overseas, leaving us w/ no money for Christmas (he was counting on a "bonus" that never came. ) I actually had to shop for presents for my son at the fkng dollar store! I was so humiliated when I had to give back food items for our Christmas dinner at the register because his debit card was overdrawn! (All that work so everybody else can laugh their way to the bank, and I'm left counting pennies!) After three days, he finally noticed how cold and upset I was with him, and when I explained how I felt, he accused me of being "materialistic" and said "nothing was ever good enough" for me.

I realize now that I will have no choice but to divorce this man. I feel like as long as I keep his d**k empty and his belly full, he just doesn't care if I am miserable. I am such a fool, I let myself become financially dependent on him, which at first he was happy with, but now it's just another reason why he is "under so much pressure" and why he "has to work so hard."

Everything that comes out of his mouth is designed to make me feel like s**t. I hate him. I don't mean, like, a temporary feeling of anger or frustration. It is so far beyond that, I can't stand the way he talks (incessantly), chews, smells, laughs. He disgusts me so much, it's all I can do to refrain from screaming at him when he grabs my boob or my crotch. Eeew, he's like a clumsy teenager. It's disgusting. I ******* hate him.

Now all I have to do is figure out how to support myself and my son without having to move to my mom's at the other end of the state. I hear divorces are really expensive, too. Is that true? There's gotta be a way to get one without involving a shyster/lawyer. Any advice, Ladies?

I was thinking of going to a shelter, but a. he doesn't physically abuse me, and b. I am white, so I don't think they'll even let me in the door. I don't have any "real" friends who would let me stay with them if I left him. (Apparently, all my friends are only tolerating me to get access to him, since he's the go-to Mr. Fixit guy in the sailing community.) I cannot believe I let myself get into this situation.

The ? Is do u really still love him if u do stick around it will get better, as they say the grass always looks better on the other side,once your children start getting older u guys will have more time for yourselves ,I'm noticing it now with my wife my daughter is getting older 13now and were slowly getting our love life back been married for 15 years ,and yes I do work a lot and she does too .well good luck maybe chat with ya soon

It never gets better. 33 years, kids that I raised alone are out on their own, I'm home with 2 cats. When he does get home he eats supper and falls asleep. After I post this I'm going to bed, as usual, without him. He'll come back to the bedroom at some point, after I'm asleep. Never gets better. I'm still in for the long haul, but I am so lonely and alone and it's been such a long time.

I feel for you. I hope you have some fun girlfriends and fulfilling hobbies. Carve out some happiness for yourself. You deserve it.

Fck him I'll **** u goodC:

I have been married to a workaholic for over 15 years (2nd marriage). Everyone "loves" him. He has some outstanding qualities, but the loneliness envelops me at times. I, like many of you, buried myself in my children. When it came time for them to "grow up" it was another crushing blow to my life leaving a gaping hole. Workaholics have a large denial system, as with any other "aholic" addictive behavior. You cannot force them into doing anything else, because they only get angry and withdrawal from you even more. Addiction is addiction - it has no other face. IF I HAD KNOWN what I would face in my marriage - I would have run the other direction as fast and hard as I could. No matter how much you think you love him, you will only regret that you didn't move on to a more healthy relationship. I stay in my marriage because I feel it is best to work things out and I have strong convictions (religious beliefs). I focus on other things and try to serve my family and community. I hope this helps.

I have been married to a workaholic for almost 10 years. We have taken no vacations together during this time. He has not taken one day off of work, though Saturday is his "church day" where he will go to church, then come home and eat lunch, then log onto the computer for the rest of the day/night. No family time. We have 4 children under the age of 9. I wonder how that happened, given that we are never together. For the last 1.5 years we have seen him only 1 day a week (his church day) though he is unengaged with us, and for the previous 3 years before that, only once every 2 or 3 weeks because he took a job out of state. Last week he worked 120 hours during 6 days. I talked to him about this and asked when he thought work would let up a little so we could spend time together. He looked at me like I was crazy and said that "It won't". For the last decade he has said "One day." Now it is "It won't." He says this is how this life is supposed to be, and if I am waiting for things to change in this life, that won't be happening.
It has been almost 10 years of continual loneliness, always waiting for the day when "the land is paid off" or "we buy a house" or "the car is fixed" or.....
To those of you who are engaged to a workaholic, please understand that it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY this is going to change unless your partner is hard-core about counseling (self propelled, not nagged by you) and making changes.
You may hope it will change, but you need to ask yourself if you are willing to live in a marriage of One (not two). There is no way to prepare for the loneliness and feelings of abandonment that come along with a marriage to a workaholic. Intimacy is destroyed. Connection to your spouse is destroyed. Not to mention, you feel very vulnerable when other men come around and give you compliments, attention, or time that your spouse is not willing to give. You will function as a single parent, your children will NOT have a father (or mother, whatever be the case). It has taken me about 10 years to figure out this is goign to continue, even though family and friends figured that out years ago. I have held out a lot of hope, giving my husband the benefit of the doubt, but now that he's confirmed to me in words (instead of the 10,000 excuses he's always given) that things aren't changing, it is devastating. As much as you might love an individual, trying to keep your sanity and hope alive in an abandoned marriage is next to impossible. I love my husband so much it hurts. I think about him all day, waiting for the day he will dedicate an entire 15 minutes to me. Had I known ahead of time what this marriage would entail, I wouldn't have done it. Trying to reprioritize on my children now.

Working vacations are the only vacations my husband will take. He won't take time off work to spend as a couple or a family, but he will take all kinds of time off to work on other projects for other people or at home.

You are an adult who can understand all the complexities of this situation yet you still yearn for him to come home and validate your existence with some affection and attention ( I was the same way)
But imagine how a child feels growing up knowing their father chooses to be absent for the sake of money. Unless you're starving or going to lose your house there is no excuse for him neglecting his kids. You will be around the pick
Up the pieces when he leaves for good, and he will eventually becuase workaholics are cold and detach themselves from you emotionally to be capable of continuing to hurt you.
You deserve to be 100% happy.

this is a tragic story...i feel for you...if he is willing to work with you ...then you dont need to should make a night out for the things you did before you had children... share your needs and fantasies...if he is unwilling to do that...then get out...ifnd out what the laws are in your area as far as spousal support...but dont willl regret it for the rest of your life

Thanks for writing this, and all of the comments. It felt good to read that I am not alone, even though I am sure no one feels "good" about their situation.

I am 32, and engaged to be married to a workaholic. When we were dating, I told him I wouldn't move in with him until he reduced his work hours. (His job is supposed to be 8-4:30, Monday to Friday, but he usually arrives early, works late, and adds in occasional nighttime shifts. He works with an IT company and projects that disturb the local cable or internet service need to be done at night - but he does not compensate by taking daytime hours off in lieu.)

He agreed and cut back a bit. We got engaged and I moved in. Within two months, the hours had risen again. Then one of his coworkers quit - causing his workload to rise more. New staff was finally hired in December, but they are still getting up to speed three months later - partly because my fiance is responsible for both his job and training the new staff (meaning even more work). When the regional boss came to visit, he suggested taking some of my fiance's work away because he saw how overworked he was - and my fiance argued against it.

This week alone, he has worked about 70 hours (and that's an estimate, as he is currently still at work). Monday through Saturday, ranging from 10-14 hours a day.

We talk about it - he says he understands it is a problem but he can't do anything. (I would say - if you can't make your family, or future family, enough of a priority to actually spend 3-4 hours a day at home, then you need to look for a new job.) When discussing starting a family after the wedding, it gets heated. He wants to have a child. I refuse to start trying until he brings his work hours down to 40-45 a week and keeps them there. I don't want to be responsible for raising children on my own. We live across the country from my family (another promise he has broken - saying we could move to my home province before we start a family, but now when looking, he rejects every job, even those of the same pay scale). So, we live down the street from his parents, whom I have to call Mr. and Mrs. or "D's mom and D's dad" (cannot call by first names). I am lonely, separated from my family, and he wants me to have children while he works on average 55-65 hours a week. And gets angry when I say no.

I have been considering calling off our wedding and leaving because of this. I just don't know what to do. We tried counseling (the counselor basically told him to get his act together) and nothing.

R u still with him??? This is so similar to me. I also live down the street from his parents. He moved us near them so he could neglect me more but have them close in case of emegency in my opinion.
Plz do NOT MARRY HIM. And For the love of god have no children. You deseve better. He's not the only fish in the sea. You are worthy of a dedicated partner who adores spending time with you. Why in the world does he want you to have kids?? To complete his little collection of what he THINKS he should be accomplishing in his life?: job, wife, 2 kids, house, car.... Etc
You are better than that!!

Thank you for asking this question! all of your posts have been so helpful to me. And I hope they have helped spring73 too.

I have been with my partner five years, he has his own business and spends everyday all day there, I'm talking from 10am - 3am! seven days a week, this year we had a two week holiday together.

One of the reasons I feel in love with him was because of how hard working he was. Two years ago I decieded I needed to make myself busy so that I would not notice his working hours so much. Two years on and I have a successful business and am very happy at work, I take two days off per week, one of them I purposly took off on his quietest day so we could spend time together...........two years down the line and he has never spent the full day with me.

I wake up alone, I go to work , I pop in to his work on my lunch break or on my way home to see him and he can't even stop what he is doing for 10 mins to say hi (he has a pub and is usually just talking to the locals ), I go home from work on my own, I just feel I have no one to chat with or have fun with and genrally aprciate life with, the only time I see him is if he is watching tv late at night if I stay up especially to spend time with him, or if he takes me out after he finishes work at 3am!! not my choice of hour to go out...I have even had to go to weddings alone with him leading me on saying he will call me and turn up a little later when he is not busy at work.....7 hours later I am stood at the reception alone.

I don't know what to do, I feel like I have tried everything and now I am getting more depressed and lonely and this mood really isn't going to make him want to come home or spend time with me! The black hole is getting bigger. We are suposed to be getting married in 6 I write this I can feel myself age with worry!!

He earns more than me and that means his job is more important and I know he loves his job and I would never take it away from him but one consistant day off every week is all I am asking to have some routine and normality in our life.

Am i unreasonab

This is not just a story this how doctor Jefferson temple saved my life and that of my family.OK to start my name is David Simpson from Canada.Just two month ago i felt like i should end my life because my house was on fire that is i had all the problem a man can ever have.I had a very good job and it paid very well and a lovely wife who i love with my whole heart .But some how along the line thing went wrong i lost my job.My wife always thought that it was my fault all this happen.It got to the stage my daughter had to drop out of the universities because of lack of fund.This made my wife more angry.She move out of my house with our daughter cos i had no thing to offer them.All i had was my house and my car.I was bankrupted and could could not find a job at the smallest firm here in Canada my wife started seeing another guy just a month after see left me and filed for a divorce i could kill myself any time soon because my daughter and my wife abandoned me at this time of my life but thank to Doctor Jefferson temple, i had all i lost back.i did not even care about the the job i did not have all i wanted was my family back.I went to the internet for some suggestion on how to get back your wife,i saw a lot of tips online and testimony like they wrote on there comment.Some of these comment were so convincing but an anonymous comment talked about how Doctor Jefferson help him it was just so real, i did not know how i even got to contact him but i did through his email doctorjeffersontemple@gmail.I EXPLAINED my problem to him and i mentioned how i lost my job and every thing started falling apart all he said was that i had a small problem.he told me all he was going to do is to get some materials that he is going to use to prepare the spell.After some days all was well with me again,and my family is back home with me and i am very happy.

ok .. am not much of a counselor but i know this far from my own readings and personal experiences .. the more you want attention ( which is a natural thing btw) the more you wont receive any ... so here is a tip .. first you need to find yourself a hobby ..reading is a good idea and it is never uninteresting ... you can find a good book to read ..or start to paint ..( you can check youtube ) u can learn how to paint with a pencil simple drawing .. while you are doing that ..dont let the problem u are having manipulate your brain or consume you .. instead think this way ..if u can do nothing about the problem .. let it go as long as you can .. dont wreck your brains over it ...while u r doing that ..take care of yourself .. put on make up and perfume while you are home ..put on decent good looking cloths on ..if u cant go out that doesnt mean u dont look good .. make sure when he comes home ..that u always look sexy and available ..if he is always tired ...full intercourse is not the answer ..instead a hot message will do the trick for both of you .. and learn how to keep yourself busy ... your kids can be a terrible load i know but practical thinking always works .. as they grew up teach them how to participate in the choirs washing the dishes ..make it subtle so that they dont complain ask the elder me how u do that ..or cant you ..i dont know come up with something that doesnt look like u r ordering them .. and be patient the world is full of failed pays to be patient .. your husband is not perfect but he is trying to make it for all of you .. ( am not defending him ) ..all am saying work it out seem to be a smart woman .. cheers and good luck ..

Message me? We can talk. Or call 408 772 8919. I want to listen to you and see what advice I can give

I'm afraid I'm an older version of your husband. 30yrs latermy wife says she loves me she just can't live with me. I have many regrets

wow...I can totally feel your heartbeat there and I totally understand. Same here....

I'm much older than you and have been in an emotionally, intimacy deprived marriage for 30+ years. Get out while you can or MAKE SURE that your partner goes into counseling with you. Don't wake up when you're over 50 wondering what the hell you can do or until you're too depressed to think.

Good luck!!!

I am 28 andengaged to , I'm pretty certain, a workaholic. I love him, of that I have no doubt, but I'm not positive marrying him is the right choice. From what I read here it seems like most marriages to work aholics don't end well. I feel like walking way now would be so hard but I'm sure it wont get easier, right? So what to do? I know and respect working long hours is part of his work. I also know I don't want to single handedly raise our children. I realize that there isn't much for advice I can help me make this decision. It does feel good to get my hesitations out there though! If anyone has wise words I'd love to hear them.

Thank you. Everyone, thank you. I have read stories that are eerily identical to mine. I’m 38 I've been married for 9 years and have two young kids, 5 and 7. I don't feel ready to leave my marriage despite the utter loneliness I feel. After reading your stories, I feel confident that: 1. My husband is a workaholic and 2. I am not crazy or too needy, or emotionally unstable. I know that in his line of work, the successful people have never been married or are divorced. I know that he’s excellent at what he does. I know that if he didn’t give it his all he would not have already accomplished so much. I know that his field is highly specialized and at this point he can’t really do much else and be as successful at it. I know all this because I hear it each time I nag about how much he works.

I’m not ready to leave because I'm scared, and because I know our kids are happy, I try to protect them from how much he works. I tell them how much he misses them and how he wishes he could be at home with us. I want them to feel loved by both of us. Our life is comfortable and I wonder if I would just end up worse off and wish I had kept my family together and not been so selfish. But I know I will need to leave eventually. The thought of the kids grown up, and just the two of us left – it would be a lonely hell. Also, by that time, my chances of finding real love would be slim to none. I would resent throwing away so many years of my life when I could have possibly met someone right for me or just been happy on my own. For now, I am prepared to give up that desire, bury my loneliness, be the best mom I can be to my kids, play the role of a good wife, keep going in my own career. I don’t know what the breaking point will be for me but I suspect it will come if my kids ever see through it all. Then I will need to show them that I can take charge of my life and leave him to his work.

We all want perfection IN a relationship, but we seldom bring perfection TO the relationship. I know when I come home after a 50-mile commute on crowded freeways 12 hours after I drove 50 miles into work at a very stressful job that I want peace and quiet in a clean home with a wife who looks as hot as the women I work with and gourmet dinners on the table and not being nagged, not being required to perform in bed, just being loved by a woman who seems to like me just the way I am. The rest will follow naturally. Marriage counseling by qualified professionals might be a good place to start -- or since you've started here in this forum -- a good second step.

Open and honest dialog is the first and best step in any happy relationship. You do need to be honest with your wife and explain the benefits of these sacrifices. Both WILL understand and accept.

truly a ***** you are!

Hey Selmer, what you want is not a wife; you want a slave. Get off this webpage and go order yourself a bride from Russia or Vietnam. Leave us Western girls alone. And pls don't spread your douchebag genes around. We're trying to phase your kind out of the population.

You mean when u come home u expect a **** to be opening the house.u deserve in a brothel.thanx for responding cos this is the typical response my hisband gives so intimidate women and to to make us feel we are trapped in that guilt for ever.all u guys need is a wife for social an asian anf it says women need to dress up and be presentable to husband but not to a man who doesnt understand the feeling of a woman.if he doesnt undertsnad her feeling she has all yhe rights to leave him.but sadly women are trapped omen a

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I do regret your situation and hope you can find peace in knowing it is likely done for you. Open communication always works best.