A Nervous Nell

When I was little, I could never spend the night at people's houses because I thought terrible things were going to happen to my parents while I was away. I have the best parents ever and grew up in a very happy, stable environment, so I don't know where these feelings came from. Now that I am an adult and I know more about what goes on in the world, my anxiety has continued to grow and change. I play with my hair constantly: it's like my security blanket. I bite the **** out of my nails they look terrible. I take medication for anxiety twice daily, and am also prescribed a low dose valium to take when I really get upset. So many things make me nervous- being away from my family, being alone, the dark, elevators, crowded places, heat, loud noises, driving too fast, cars in general, men...- this last fear is the one that's really getting me. I have been single for a year and a half. I have been unable to date anyone during this time much less be intimate with someone. I feel like every man is going to hurt me in some way. My ex was very kind and gentle... the worst thing he did to me was ignore me. That was really the only relationship I've ever been in, and I don't want to spend my life alone. I just have this terrible feeling that every man I talk to just wants to **** me. It scares me when I can see it in their eyes. So many women like the attention. I wear no makeup, glasses, loose slovenly (thought never dirty) clothing, and I still get asked out all the time. It's like I'm battling myself because at the end of the day I'm very lonely, but every time a guy asks me out I just get so nervous I bail. Every time. Here lately I've started feeling like I'm going to faint a lot. I suppose I should talk to my doctor about this but I don't know how. I'm in a very odd place in my life... a quarter life crisis if you will. Friends are getting married, having babies, I'm expected to have a career, start my independence, and I have no clue what I'm doing. I don't know how to get over this fear. I drive my friends crazy with the shyness because there are some places I cannot go without starting to hyperventilate. I feel like my wheels are spinning and I'm rocking back and forth in the mud, but what is it going to take to pull me out?
daphne35 daphne35
22-25, F
Sep 26, 2011