Private Thoughts On Why I'm A Private Person

For as long as I can remember, I've always kept to myself, not revealing to much to anybody unless I came to feel I could completely trust them with whatever it is I would share.  In this world the number of people I say I trust with every aspect of my life, probably would fit into an egg carton with a couple of places that would still be empty. 

It's not that I don't want to trust people, I really do. But more than a few times in my life I've opened myself up to a person who I thought I could trust, and then all of a sudden something I said to them I thought was private, is suddenly grist for the rumor mill.  The types of things that are revealed are never so embarrassing that I have to leave town, but still, my thoughts, my feelings, things I entrusted to another person make their full circle when on the street somebody approaches me and says, "Hey I heard you might ...". 

Well dang it, yeah I might, but what business it is of yours to even know that I might. 

When I first became a member of the internet, I thought shoot this is a cool thing to do, I let my friends know what my screen name was on a certain website.  Before I knew it what I was saying on that website was being printed out and posted on a local bulletin board for the whole town to see, with the hand written "Guess who this is" scrawled across the top.  My friends thought it was funny and maybe to another person it is, but to me I was horrified seeing my profile and what I'd written put up in such a public manner.  There are jokes and then there are cruel jokes.  Needless to say after that I kept things like my screen names to myself and in the case of EP which is kind of an unknown entity anyway, there is only one person in my real life world that even knows about my life here.

While I know where this fierce protection of my privacy comes from, for the life of me I still have a hard time dealing with it.  It comes from one of those snapshots of one's life.  One of those "I just can't forget the first time something happened to me" moments that shapes a life.  For me the start of the protection of my privacy came when I was six years old when my mom asked me a question about a little girl in my class.  I'm sure I blushed when I heard the girl's name and maybe stammered out something.  From there my mom took a shy little boy's answer and turned it into a tortuorous round of teasing that only finally stopped when I had tears running down my cheeks.  After that it seemed like whenever my mom was in the mood to see her first grader cry, out would come the ammunition of that wee bit of information and the teasing about that little girl would never cease until I was pleading and crying for her to stop.  It was at that moment, a six year old little boy's innocent answer to a question from a person he thought he could trust, started my journey of not revealing a whole lot of myself for fear of being ridiculed, teased, embarrassed.   Keeping everything to myself, building a wall around me and letting only a few through the gates of that wall, becoming the private person I am today.  That form of self preservation, while in some cases does come in handy, at other times has proved detrimental to my life and caused me more pain than if I had just trusted enough to open up more in the first place.

When though I let that person into my private world, when they have the key to the gate to enter the inner sanctum of my trust, nothing is held back then.  But like I said there are less than a dozen people in this whole world, less than a dozen people I've met in my fifty plus years of walking on this earth who I feel I can trust completely with whatever it is I might tell them.  I know sometimes that is offputting to some folks and eventually a person or person(s) who I really would like to come to know better, they will eventually grow tired of waiting for me to completely open up and I end up losing them as they end up moving on and out of my life.  I guess I can't blame them, if the sides were switched I'd probably do the same thing too.

So there it is, in kind of an ironic way, some of my private thoughts on why I'm a private person.  Now if a person wants to know more of why I crave my privacy, well that's something that will have to be earned over time.  Priva  


 






 

ChevyVan ChevyVan
46-50, M
4 Responses May 24, 2012

very well written from start to finish.. i don't see a problem with you being private..its very understandable.. everything you mentioned in your story makes perfect sense and if a person isn't willing to wait around until you let them inside..then so be it. they were only meant for a season of time in your life. keep being who you are, what ever makes you comfortable man.

I am also a very private person and for essentially the same reason. As a child, my mother took every bit of information about anything that was important to me, and used it to publicly humiliate me. I swore to myself I would never give her any more ammunition. I can probably count on one hand the number of people to whom I feel comfortable enough to reveal anything and everything. This does tend to isolate a person. However, I managed to develop a close, personal relationship that became a wonderful marriage that lasted ten years (until he died.) Eventually, I remarried and was treated to a daily harangue, bordering on verbal abuse using everything that I cared about, until he left (thank God!) It's been eight years and I am just beginning to venture forth again. Good luck to you.

I feel ya. <a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-Trust-Issues/2263577" target="ep_blank">EP Link</a> amazing

Thank you for sharing your wonderful story. You are certainly not alone.<br />
<br />
I am also a very private person, as I have put my trust into others in the past and have felt let down and somewhat betrayed by them later. (Long stories)<br />
<br />
Once I have been burnt, by entrusting something to another. I tend to pull back into a shell. I feel that if they betray me once, they will do it again. Therefore they lose all credibility with me forever<br />
.<br />
My mum use to say, that you can go through a life time and count on one hand how many true and sincere people that you meet along the way.<br />
She has certainly proven that to be right to a degree.<br />
<br />
I like being a private person these days. I realize that's it's ok not to have to share everything about yourself to everyone.<br />
<br />
At least here on EP one can feel more free to be themselves, without the worry of having to keep their guard up to the day to day people we know in our lives and the outside world.

Exactly what you said in that last paragraph, a person is allowed to be free to be themselves here ... I find EP a cathartic release from my everyday humdrum life

Yes, I agree.....I like the word "cathartic" I christen it - Word of the Day... :d

hmmm if you use a bottle of gingerale for the christening ... go for it ;)

lol....gingerale it is then. :)
I'm naughty...I should waggle my tail and get off this darn computer.
EP is rather addictive *sighs*

oh most of it should be here when you return so whenever you need to waggle away lol :D

I shall :)

3 More Responses