My Love And World Was Taken When I Was Only 25

I need support and understanding from people who actually DO understand. I need to know I'm not alone.  I'm not trying to give anyone a sob story "oh poor me", I just need to get this out and know someone, anyone can see where I've been and why. So here goes,  I started dating my husband in 2000 and were together for 2yrs when we married in 2002. We had a wonderful marriage, of course not perfect, we both made mistake as everyone does, but now I torture myself over the ones I made. He was so wonderful and beautiful,so kind and forgiving and understanding. We had so much fun together!! He always made me laugh. Anyway, in Dec, 2006, he started having pain in his back and went to the doc. They called back saying they saw something on the x-ray on his right lung and wanted to do an MRI. He came and picked me up from work early that morning, leaving the car I was driving there, and we went and had the test done and went home. About 5 that evening, he said we needed to go get the car and bring it home. Something inside me told me not to go, to stay home, and I tried to get him to wait till in the morning but he said we should do it then since we had the time anyway. So we went.(The doc had prescribed some meds that could cause drowsiness.) I got in the car and we said " I love you" to each other, and again I got a bad feeling deep in my gut, but we left with me following him. As soon as we pulled onto highway he began to swerve and drift into the other lane or almost off the road. We got stopped at two redlights, and both times I got out and ran to his window trying to get him to pull over, but he kept insisting he was fine. I knew he wasn't and I knew something very bad was about to happen. We almost made it home when he fell asleep at the wheel and missed a curve, driving through a picket fence. At first I wasn't TOO upset because how many people do you hear of getting killed by driving through a picket fence? The brakelights flashed and then the car just kept going. I got out and started chasing the car yelling " STOP! STOP BABY! HIT THE BRAKES! STOP" The car finally came to a stop when it ran onto a cut off road and caught on the pavement. I was at the car in an instant because I had almost caught up with it, and started calling his name. He didn't answer. I ripped the door open and that's when I saw the hole in his head. It didn't register what had happened at first.. It looked like he had busted his mouth on the steering wheel and there was that hole. I put my hand on his face and was telling him to wake up. He was still breathing but it was that "death rattle" type breathing. I finally just screamed and fell to my knees and began to pray just saying over and over "God, please don't take my baby from me". I was finally pulled up and away by "someone" and then was at the hospital hearing the doctor say he was DOA. That's when I realized it was one of the fence posts that had come through the windshield and gone through his head. I went back and saw him after they cleaned him up and his sister came in screaming for him to wake up and telling me to do something. Everything after that is a blurr. I was put on numerous meds for PTSD to stop the flashbacks, antidepressants, you name it I was on it. I had a nervous breakdown and only have a few flashes of memory. I started drinking ALOT and then started dating a guy that was a friend of mine 2 months after. I was lonely and scared and just wanted to feel anything but what I was feeling, and if I drank till I blacked out, hey, that was just less time I was conscious to be aware my husband was gone and never coming back.  I caught alot of **** from his friends because of the way I acted afterward and there were alot of really hurtful things said about me behind my back, I was even shunned by alot of them. None of them could step outside themselves long enough to see and try to understand what was going on with me and why I was the way I was. Yea, maybe I did go crazy, and yes I was istitutionalized for a brief time, but I like to think I'm not the only one who reacted that way to something like that. I'm still not over what happened and I never will be. I still have flashbacks and triggers and panic attacks. I still feel the hole that will always be there and I carry so much guilt that I didn't protect him and stop it from happening. I was his wife. That was my job, and I failed him. If you've hung with me this far, I would like some feedback, advise from people who have been there. I need someone to talk to and share with that knows the pain. 

nikkiel nikkiel
26-30, F
1 Response Feb 12, 2010

I understand part of what you are going through although it sounds like there was more violence and trauma when your spouse died. The grief process is different for each individual, but nearly everyone has a lot guilt and play the "what if I.....?" game. I went through panic attacks too and I am still taking medication. If you are on medications you should be careful about drinking with them. You probably already know this, but I feel like you might need the reminder. My wife, who had often counseled people who were grieving, told me that people who grieve some times become sexually hyperactive because it is a sort of subconscious affirmation of life. Sounds like you felt that you fell short as a wife and now you aren't doing well as a widow. Every marriage is difficult the first few years and there really isn't a rule book for widows so you should try go easier on yourself.<br />
<br />
It is truly unfortunate about your friends. There is always someone who thinks we are not living our lives correctly and wants to gossip. Are these people really worthy of your trust and friendship though? I cannot presume to pass judgement of how someone lives their life. In many ways I probably have not been a good widower and I know that as a husband I was often insensitive and always got more from my marriage than I deserved. I too have to be easier on myself. Just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope that it will become easier as time goes by.