Dealing With The Truth

I'm better now, been in therapy since 2009 and slowly getting over the **** in my life.
When I was growing up I had mixed feelings about my parents. They were caring, but controlling, I always had food on my plate and toys to play with. But I was an active child, and as I learnt recently, a natural empath. Apparently my behavior or feelings mimic other people's emotions.
Anyway, I was very lively and, well, my parents had a short temper, especially my father. At first it was just hand spankings every once in a while, but when I was around five or six, it escalated to the belt. And no, it wasn't a couple of whacks, it was like torture. I remember being thrown over my parents' bed on numerous occasions, screaming in pain and hoping that he would drop dead someday. Or that someone would hear and save me. No such luck.
My parents never taught me to deal with emotions, and whenever I responded to something with anger, they punished me. By the time I was twelve, I stopped feeling happy, I lost all my energy and my temper was hidden so deep inside I still can't draw it out. I never protected myself, I didn't know how to. Instead, it became a way for me to deal with the tension of waiting for the next whipping. Gradually, I would provoke my parents, just to get it over with and have some time to relax in between.
Then it stopped. I think I was fourteen the last time my father hit me. A year later, when the flashbacks and every day life got too hard, I tried killing myself. Only when I could see the veins in my arms did I realize that I might actually have something to live for. I got help, and while I still have flashbacks every once in a while, it's getting better. I'm finally healing, with the help of my therapist. I can talk about it, my fears, everything that bothers me, and it's okay. I'm going to be okay.
aletheiatruth aletheiatruth
22-25, F
1 Response Jan 20, 2013

When I was growing up I had mixed feelings about my parents too. They were caring, but controlling, I always had food on my plate and toys to play with as well, however, my story is somewhat different. I would get the wooder spoon or the belt on my hands or rear end, and sometimes I had to go and get them out of the drawer for them. My mother usually had my father do it, although it was her that wanted me to get it 90% of the time. In my case, it was my mother that ruled. If she was mad at me I could go 3 days as a little girl before she would even speak to me again. When we had arguments or I made my mother upset, my father would come into my room and ask me to apologize to her. This way the upsetting situation would end I gyess. I know my mother knew but she would still allow me to make her feel better. No matter how much I didn't want to do it, my father talked me into it. I would end up doing it for him. I was the one who took the blame for most things even when it was between my sister and I.
When I wanted to go somewhere or have a friend over, most of the time my mother just said "no". I suppose this was easier. Anyway, I never got a reason why the answer was "no" except she would tell me it was because she said so. My parents looked at me as if I was always the okdest so my sister was favored. I never really had oppertunities to say how I was feeling or why. As I grew up and I tried to express myself, I would be shut down and told I like to start fights or I analyze things too much. Then I would see a head shake and told to calm down, or I was told I stated the problem. There were many ways most issues in our family was my fault and this remains the same today. I grew up with a low self-esteem and controlled, even with my marriage and children. My story, like yours, is quite intricate and involving. There is so much more I could tell but could never find the time to write. I have no relationship with my sister and now it looks like I do not have one with my mother anymore. The reason? For the first time since I was born my mother did not see me or see her grandchildren on Christmas Day.I am blamed for this. Christmas eve ny parents came over but my mother had an attitude towards me because my children and I had different plans for the first time. She made sure she left 15 minutes before midnight (Christmas), even after they had promised to stay until 12midnight because we would not be seeing them on Christmas Day. She did not wish any of us Merry Christmas so I have not bothered with her since and do not want to. You must understand though, she is use to me coming to her to either apologize or make things better. I have not done this and do not plan to. I know I have done nothing wrong. Just over a month later it was my birthday. Yes she came by to see me, but she would not hug me or give me a birthday kiss as she has always done. She made sure I knew she was still mad. I believe she came, not for me, but because she did not want anything to come back on her, as well as any personal guilt. My mother has always, always been narcisstic. I do feel for some years now, that my sister and I really have become a burden on her. She does not want to know or hear, or deal with any issues that are about our lives. Even when I had cancer she was like this. She has also shown a very jealous side towards me and this has only become worse. Like I said, I can go on and on.
They say that parents cannot pick their children, but we cannot pick our family or the era we are born into. Parents are only beginning now to see what actually damages us as children. Each of us are special in our own way, and we make up the world we live in.No one has the right to hit a child! You never deserved to be treated in the way you were. Remember there are people that love you and need you; a spouse, children, friends, and other family memebers. Be strong and most of all, do it for yourself!

Thank you so much for replying to my post. It is very encouraging to know there are others, with similar experience, going through similar things in their lives.
What I gathered from your reply is that you are a kind, compassionate and extremely strong person, and I can only admire your traits. Your parents didn't deserve a child like you, and they aren't able to understand how wonderful you are, and how much they hurt you.
Stay strong and be safe.