Saw Mum and My Brother Beaten All the Time

My father was a big man. A real big man. He made us feel small. He made me feel even smaller. I was the smallest and I saw that no-one else stood up to him so I knew I could not. He hit us all, and when he would beat my mother in front of me I was made to just sit and watch.

I was never allowed out except to go to school and was suppposed to come straight back after so I spent all of my time in the house. I had a brother only just older than me so I should have been ok but we were forced to betray one-another so much so that we would always feel too alone to stand up to him, It meant that neither of us had a single friend in the world. We were forced to decide between us which should get the worst punishment. He would actually say "I'm going to leave you to decide between you, who is going to get it". It was such a tiny world we lived in, we should have given each-other strength to resist him and he knew that so that is why we had to be turned against each other.

In my bedroom I was allowed :

Bed, with sheets and a pillow. A wardrobe with (few) clothes, mainly school uniform. A desk to do my homework on and a desk chair. A mirror was attatched to the wall. The only other things I was allowed in my room were items directly related to schoolwork. i had a comb too. I was very bored all the time that I was not scared.

If I thought that someone was being 'nice' to me or seeming to like me , I would do all I could to please them. I would do  anything for anyone if I thought it would make them like me or be nice to me.

demonizd demonizd
31-35, M
5 Responses Feb 14, 2009

He wouldn't be so big when I get done with his ***. He would cross his legs and run the other way

I know what its like to have someone control u. U were young and he was suppose to love u not hurt u

I feel for your story. I went through quite a bit in my childhood also. <br />
I had somebody beating me up on a fairly regular basis and they were <br />
older and bigger then me so there was not much I could do to stop it. <br />
And for me worse then the physical abuse was the mental and emotional <br />
abuse they put me through. I watched my Dad hold a gun up to my moms <br />
face and tell her that if she ever tried to leave him he would kill her > and <br />
he would make sure the us kids wound up living on the streets. <br />
So we lived in turmoil and fear and there was no love and no happiness. <br />
<br />
You just got degraded over and over<br />
<br />
In retrospective I wish I had run away. but I was just a Kid and I didn't <br />
know that I could run away; and I didn't know where to go and had no <br />
other place to run too. I had some friends and what I would do is sleep <br />
over their houses as often as I could just to get out of the abusive environment <br />
and that really did help some. <br />
<br />
it was awful and I was not allowed to enjoy anything at my house. <br />
I really wasn't allowed to be a kid when I was a kid. <br />
<br />
Its sad that this kind of abuse goes on. <br />
I appreciate you sharing your story. <br />
Sharing your story will help you get a release and it can help others <br />
too. because there is comfort in knowing that your not alone <br />
and its nice to get feedback from others that can be helpful.

I read your story and just know that you are not alone in all that you went through. I as well went through the same thing, my father was a big man as well, had one older brother 2 years older than I, I was unable to be a child at all, and slept under my bed for 10 years. I left home when I was 15 as I could not take it anymore. I was unable to watch the things I knew that where wrong going on around me. School for me was my home. I was a shy person, but let out more at school. The went through much more than living in fear when growing up, but I learned alot. The scars that I carry, not the body ones, but the emotional ones are the worst of all. But one day I woke up, and I became a survivor, not a Victim anymore. I stood on my own two feet, and decided the things that I wanted in my life and how I was going to live it. I do not have a relationship with my mother or brother, only my father, I never forget what he did, and the things he put us through, but I forgave him. This was many years later though. I wrote a letter and never sent it to my mother and brother. But it was a release for me. I now write poetry and have been since I was 13 years old. I was very ill when I was young and almost lost my life. I am thankful for all the things that I did go through in one way because it made me the strong person that I am today!. <br />
If you ever want to vent and talk feel free. I know it is hard to find someone who completely understands. But also remember this....someone out there had it worse than us!