Can You Help Me

 I was physically and sexually abused as a child.

My father is a sociopath so unlike many abused children, I never saw him fly off the handle or get angry, his abuse was controlled and calculated designed to torture myself, my older brother and sister every moment of our lives. His abuse came in the form of games such as drawing straws, flipping a coin or drawing a card (from a pack of playing cards) to see who would get a beating, the games where a daily feature in our lives. No one had to do anything wrong, we just excepted that they were a normal part of the day. If one of us did actually do something that required punishment then we would have to watch the other two get beaten, my father knowing it was far more heart wreanching to watch our sibblings get tortured for our own misdoings. The games started when I was two and lasted until my boyfriend at the time rescued me when I was 17. I am now almost thirty an have tried everything I think of to keep my childhood from drowning me. I have been to therapy, I have confronted him, I have had mediation with him, I have forgiven him, I have even had spiritual healing, but the nightmares continue. Can anyone help me?

zaylee zaylee
26-30, F
7 Responses Mar 7, 2009

me too, "how are we going to pull this tooth out" "you get to pick what i hit you with(if you choose wrong you get 5 more for each choice)" how long can you hold the bottle rocket(also worked for hot dishes)... i dont think i ever really hated it though it was all i knew and i thought it was just games, so i had fun. my mother gave me a picture the other day that was of him pulling my tooth out with a pair of pliers and afterward me smiling naked bruised in a chair still in diapers

oh and i'm fine lol happy well adjusted except that my life sucks a bit because i've only been free for a month or so but hey i'll work my way up and there hasnt been anything i couldnt handle yet. :D

I have also heard that talking about it helps.

Well, I want to say it gets better but I had it far worse then you and I' 've never found a way. I'm also bipolar so my meds help a little but it mostly just comes in time. I still wake up in the middle o the night because I thought I heard my mom screaming, like I did so many times as a child. I try to surround my self with loving people. it helps too

I am not a survivor .I have post traumatic stress from a very bad childhood. hate was a <br />
motivator . to survive and hurt those who have hurt me.

This kind of abuse will be with you forever. Although you want it to be different , the abuse has contributed to who you are today. There will always be triggers and PTSD is a lifelong problem. You will need therapeutic support off and on for the rest of your life. Find yourself a therapist and stick with them. Don't drop out when the going gets tough. Also, survivors who develop a mission recover more completely than those who do not. If you haven't already, join a group that works to prevent this kind of abuse or find a way you can help others like yourself.

I highly recommend telling your story to as many people as you can. That's how I healed. In my case, the psycho was my elder brother. As soon as I stopped living with him, I started sharing my experience with anyone who would listen to me. I shared, and I shared and I shared. At first I used to cry whenever I used to remember my experience, but eventually I started to get desensitized. I also wrote a lot of my feelings- just write whatever comes to mind without editing anything. In my case that helped a lot. You should also probably get as far away from your father as possible so you have to deal with him as less as possible. So long he is in your life, I don't think you will ever be happy. So just cut off all ties with him, and start your life afreshl. Remelmber he already ruined 15 years of your life. That's a lot of time wasted. Do you really want to waste anymore time trying to relieve the past? You are no longer that little girl being abused by your father. You have the power to do whatever you want now. So think of your life as a blank slate and arrange it how you see fit. Do stuff that you have always wanted to do, and be happy. You have already spent a lot of your life in sadness. Now is your time to start over and be happy

You certainly are not alone in feeling like it is somewhat unresolved.. I don't know if you can do more than just live with it, try and stay focused on positive things.. etc..<br />
I had never told anyone any of my stories before I came here, so I am temporarily having to let my thoughts go towards the dark, just so that i can finally stop them from being secrets inside of me any more; but I will be leaving this whole profile behind, and moving-on.<br />
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sorry I took so long to comment, the connection went..<br />
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There is also a tiny group: "I was beaten as a child"<br />
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You are better (re)posting in eight hours from now, more people will be online.