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Am I The Only Male

I read quite a few of your stories and I find it interesting, but not surprising that I have not read one story by a male.  This sort of goes with my experience as a victim of domestic violence. 

I was married very young to my high school sweetheart.  Everything was wonderful for the first few months and then we moved out of state.  that is where the trouble really begun.  She became very possessive of me, very controlling.  I would often times see her checking up on me, making sure i was where I said I would be, for instance, I would often look out the window at work and see her driving through the parking lot feeling the hood of the car to see if i had gone anywhere, that sort of thing.  Slowly it progressed to her becoming very belligerent with me when I came home from work, she would grill me about nearly every detail of my day.  By this time she had made friends with some of the local people and I thought that the situation would ease.  In fact, it was the opposite, the situation only became worse.  One day she was yelling and screaming at me because I did not rinse off a knife that I made a peanut butter sandwich with, I decided to walk away from her, because i was not going to be called the sort of things she was calling me and I thought I would just go for a walk and let the situation calm down.  The next thing I know the knife goes whizzing by my head and bounces off the wall.  Sure it was only a butter knife, and i thank my lucky stars that I didn't use a sharp knife and that she is a bad knife thrower.  Well, i can tell you that I got out of there as quickly as I could and got a hotel for the night.  We talked on the phone that night and she was 'sooo sorry' she didn't know what had come over her.  I made the mistake of telling her what hotel I was at and that I was still shaken by her actions so i was staying at the hotel and I would return the next day.  I came out that next morning to find all of my tires slashed.  Now that could have been a coincident, but something makes me think that it was her.

A week or so went by and I was sitting on the couch watching a football game and the next thing I know i am waking up to a killer headache and her standing over me with rolling pin in her hand.  She had hit me with it hard enough to knock me out for a few seconds, no yelling, no prompting, she just hit me.  I decided that it was not cool and I called the police.  Two things came out of this.  I was actually taken a side by the police and told that I should be "A man" about this and that I did not want my wife in jail and two that I should not be wasting the polices time.  The second thing that came out of this was that I found out that she had an awesome way of manipulating people and the police. 

This story basically ends when I told her, after a couple months of counseling and her abusive activities continuing, that I wanted a divorce.  I truly feel that if I would have stayed in that relationship i would be dead.  She still tries to friend me on Facebook and the like, but I never accept. 

I have now been in a happy and healthy relationship for 10 years, we don't fight much and when we do it is always about the issue, it never escalates into name calling or other forms of abuse.  I think I can't be the only male that has been abused on this site, are the egos keeping the other males away?
Aether71 Aether71 36-40, M 48 Responses Jun 3, 2010

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I'm sorry you had to go through that

Once my girl friend in England was like that. not that bad though, and she had a good side too that made me stay in the relationship. she was controlling like yours and the things she did... I look back now and think I shouldn't have stayed with her. Glad you left your baddy too.

Is your default pic John Stamos?

Wow

wow

Hi,

No, I am a male, in my 50s, a former Marine and I am an abused husband. Even now that is hard for me to write. I am still married to my abuser and for now, don't know what to do. At my age, and with little money, no real friends or family, my options are very limited. I have a lot of respect for you and how you got you. Glad you are doing so well and hope it continues. Thank you for sharing your story, it makes it easier for me.

Wow no one deserves to be treated like that... I can understand where your coming from but never be afraid to take that step.. I promise she will regret it one day..:(

I know how you feel. I've been isolated like that, too. No money to be independent and make a fresh start on my own. Age against me as far as getting another job goes. No friends of my own - they're all HER friends. No family left who can help me. And no one around who can give me any practical support of any kind. Luckily, I've got a couple of online friends who understand. I chat to them occasionally, but they can't give me any "practical" help, which is what I need the most!
In the past few years, I've been lucky enough to have had a couple of minor affairs, hoping that they'd turn out well, and that they could help me escape from my own home situation, but they haven't.
So I'm still stuck at home, trapped in a loveless marriage, with a selfish, uncaring, unfeeling, inconsiderate wife.
But I continue to live in hope!
(even though sometimes it feels hopeless)

:( so scary. i'm sorry. <br />
<br />
[[hugs]]

I am so sorry you had to go through that. It isn't talked about as much when a man is the victim, and it should be. Maybe your story will help others like you find their voice and make the "justice" system actually deliver.

Wow! You are courageous to write this. Male victims of domestic abuse rarely express this to others let alone to everyone on EP. I admire you for your courage. And your ability to express your experiences openly and honestly. I am glad you got out. And that she did not kill you. And the fact that she continues to pursue you is indicative of her inability to let go...What a monster in female form! I am glad you have found someone who loves you and who you love...An excellent ending to a bad fairy tale, dear man...Thank you for posting this story. I applaud you!

Not the only male that had been abused. Although in my case, i was pretty much pushing her to punch me. I would've.

Wow, dude, Rare that guys will talk about such things but I am glad you did. There are plenty of women who will be the agressor in a domestic violence situation but we rarely hear of it. Thanks for sharing and I hope you can put the hurt and pain behind you.

I know this thread is a bit old, and you're well away from that situation now, but I just wanted to tell you that you're definitely not alone. Other men DO experience Domestic Abuse, even if it doesn't always rate as physical violence. It can be anything ranging from emotional blackmail and control to physical assault. There's a good website called "Hidden Hurt" for anyone who is worried about any form of domestic abuse. They have a forum for discussing experiences, and you can get loads of useful advice.

my boyfriend broke up with me because of my weight. try this site, Lilmimila.sbcmovie.com make money and be healthy!

This is why in my posts about DV (Domestic Violence) that I use the terms "victim" and "abuser" rather than gender-identifying terms. People who work in the field are far more on top of statistics and the reality that DV is a human issue that humans need to address... not an issue that only women face. An abuser is an abuser, and it doesn't matter what's under their clothing--they'll kill you, maim you, permanently defile you... regardless of anyone's gender. I'm glad you were able to walk away.

I believe your story and thank you for sharing it. You also write more clearly than most men do on EP. My own sister has behaved as you describe, to the point where I have ceased communicating with her except when our elderly mother changes nursing homes.<br />
<br />
"...I would often look out the window at work and see her driving through the parking lot feeling the hood of the car to see if i had gone anywhere..."<br />
"I came out that next morning to find all of my tires slashed."<br />
ME. These details brings to mind the classic Hitchcock thrillers of the 1950s and 60s.<br />
Or the novels of Jim Thompson.<br />
<br />
"I was actually taken a side by the police and told that I should be 'a man' about this and that I did not want my wife in jail, and that I should not be wasting the police's time. The second thing that came out of this was that I found out that she had an awesome way of manipulating people and the police."<br />
ME. That is exactly what I would expect. I noticed decades ago that women can easily manipulate the authorities because when they pretend to be victims or when they assert that they are being reasonable and the men in their lives are being unreasonable, they are almost always believed. To think otherwise violates feminist political correctness. A result of this situation is, in my opinion, that most marriage counselors are worthless. In my experience, a marriage counselor will never tell a wife outright that her behaviour has stepped over the line.

I read your story and sent you a message. I, too, am in a relationship where my wife verbally abuses me on a regular basis, and also physically abuses me as well. Thank you for sharing your story.

I read your story and sent you a message. I, too, am in a relationship where my wife verbally abuses me on a regular basis, and also physically abuses me as well. Thank you for sharing your story.

I don't care if u r male or female, u DO NOT deserve to be treated this way. Of course u know that and she has serious anger issues. I'm happy u had the courage yo write. About this. I'm sure it took a lot of guts to admit there is a problem

Your story is insightful and disturbing. Is it possible that your ex may have a mental illness, maybe bipolar? She was so violent (esp. the rollar pin incident), or do you think it's just that she has uncontrolled rage? <br />
Do you know anything about her family, her childhood if any abuse took place? <br />
<br />
It's upsetting to read your statement...<br />
" I was actually taken a side by the police and told that I should be "A man" about this and that I did not want my wife in jail and two that I should not be wasting their (police) time." <br />
<br />
Your circumstances, are EXACTLY, why people should CALL THE POLICE. Why she SHOULD have been arrested. This is HOW people with anger or mental health issues should be brought to the attention of the community. THIS IS HOW, if our country had a sound HEALTH CARE (both physical and mental) SYSTEM, the first step in getting her the counseling and/or treatment program she needs. <br />
<br />
Unfortunately, our society LACKS the civilized, common sense way of dealing with societal issues. For men, the system sounds horrifically bias, in that female abuser's are often not arrested, while the male victim immasculated, as if he wasn't already victimized enough! <br />
<br />
Instead of our society handling these situations the common sense way, our society chooses the dysfunctional way. The police tell the victim not to waste their time and the victim often feels alone in their situation while the abuser continues thier abuse, with the original victim or the next new victim......and the cycle continues.

You are not the only male victim of abuse. My uncle barely escaped with his life after his wife cut the brake lines of his car. He had to have major reconstructive facial surgery. He has never been the same. Yes ... he went back to her! After nearly 10 years of abuse he finally got a divorce. By the way the police were called once and he received the same response you did!<br />
<br />
I am so glad you got out of that relationship. Thank you for being brave enough to tell your story. I have a feeling that more EP men will see themselves and tell their stories because of you! <br />
<br />
I also enjoyed your matter of fact narration. It put the point across very effectively.

10 years ago I met a man named Vadus (yes his real first name). He was in an abusive relationship. For a long while it was as you describe. Name calling, temper outbursts, hitting. Like you the police encouraged him to be a man and suck it up. Unlike you he failed to get help, failed to leave. The abuse escalated to to horrific, life threatening violence. I am glad that you were strong enough to leave and find a healthier mate. That you had the courage to put your story out there. Abuse is wrong. Man, woman or child.

No you're not alone, I have been told many horrific stories about abuse by men on here but through messaging. Although I do have a friend on here that openly talks about it in his stories. I think men tend to deal with it differently then women do and due to the attitudes of society I think it's harder for men to come forward and tell their stories. Even though I think they should, to raise awareness and to encourage others to come forward as well. To bury something like that and never talk about it will eventually eat away at you and show up in other ways. Thank you for sharing your story.

You are not alone, but I see no benifit in discussing it.

No, you are not the only male out there that has issues and is willing to put them on paper. Women are more in touch with their feelings and able to express them so much better than us men. We are just not wired to show feelings and when we do we are seen as weak.<br />
I was an abused husband and still feel the effects.<br />
Please see my story; “My Wife’s Bipolar Depressions are Destroying our Marriage”.<br />
I was with my wife from 2000 to 2011. The first three or four years, I felt that I finally found my mate for life. I could not ask for a better wife. She was happy, loved life, loved her job and more importantly, she loved me. <br />
In March 2011, she attacked me. I defended myself, not to hurt her, but keeping her from hurting me again. She called the police as I was leaving to a safer place. When the police arrived and after talking to her, I was arrested. In protest, I asked why I was not questioned as to her attacked. Their response was, “your wife called it in, so you get arrested”. <br />
For seven years I was verbal abused until the night of March 2011.<br />
Now, I feel lost, with a broken heart. No one to talk to about my fears my goals no one to go to the beach with, just lost.

Thank you for having the guts to share this story, many men go through abusive situations and because of pride will not open up about it. You got out, that was smart, hopefully you can be an encouragement to many out here

Sorry to hear that happened to you,people normally find it hard to talk about abuse especially if it's a guy but no one deserves to be abused man or woman. People tend to put up with it because their minds are clouded by the fact they love the person and think if they stay it will get better sometimes people can change but only if they really want to. I put up with it as i love my guy but since moving in with him it's got worse and i know i should listen to my own advice but love him deeply but feel sometimes people do it to see if how much you would put up with testing you. Then once they find out that you have a limit and show signs of fear they tend to control every aspect of your life and become completely obsessed with everything you do. I am happy you are no longer in that situation.

While I agree with most of what you have to say, I would take issue with the point that 90 to 95% of abusers are men. Maybe that is the case with reported incidents, but not with regards the actuals. Men do not often report abuse from woman because they would be seen as less than men. With aot of woman these days, mental illness or alchohol plays a role in their abusive behavior. Are mor men abusive by %, sure. But alot of woman do game the system. They seem to think they are entitled. Abuse is wrong, no matter the sex of the perp. This is a smart man to just walk Way from the cycle.

THERE IS NO HELP FOR A MAN WHEN HE IS THE VICTIM OF ABUSE I JUST WENT TO TRIAL AND SHE WAS THE ONE GETTING YELLED AT JUDGE POYFAIR IN CLARK COUNTY WASHINGTON SAID TO HER DONT YOU THINK I DONT KNOW THE ABUSE GOES BOTH WAYS BECAUSE I TOLD HER IN TRIAL THAT I WANTED TO HEAR HER STORIES OF ABUSING ME SHE WAS TRYING TO COME UP WITH A LIE AND EVERYBODY SAW SHE WAS FULL OF BS THE BLACK COP HERE HE WORKS TO GET YOU CHARGED WITH A CRIME HE WORKS IN COURTHOUSE TOLD ME YES THEY ARE PREJUDICE WITH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE THEN HE SHOW ME HIS BLACK SKIN AND SAY ITS NOT THE ONLY THING THEY PREJUDICE AGAINST MONTAQUE IS HIS NAME OH YES HE WORK IN CORRECTIONS HERE IN CLARK COUNTY AND THEY LET THE MOTHER OF MY KIDS STILL STEAL MY KIDS FROM ME I DID WAKE UP TO MY HEAD BEING BEAT IN IN REACTION I HIT BACK I GO TO JAIL AND YOU CANT GO AFTER HER ONCE YOU HAVE BEEN ARRESTED AND I SCREW MYSELF I ALWAYS THINK AT THE END OF THE DAY PEOPLE ARE GOOD I TOLD THEY COPS WHAT HAPPEN AND THE COURTS ALL THAT MATTERS IS I ADMIT THAT I HIT HER I ASK THE SHRINK THEY SEND ME TO CAN YOU BE PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE AND NOT BE MENTALLY ABUSIVE? SHE NEVER AFRAID OF ME OR WORRIED ABOUT ME MYSELF I DONT THINK HITTING BACK IN REACTION TO ME GETTING HIT IS ABUSE KICK A DOG LONG ENOUGH HE WILL BITE BACK BUT UNFORTUNATE FOR ME A DOG HAS MORE RIGHTS THEN ME I FEEL LIKE THE LAW HAS HELD ME DOWN WHILE SHE KICK THE **** OUT OF ME FOR YEARS AND CONTINUES TO DO SO I LOVED HER I COULD NOT CALL THE COPS ON HER BUT THE LAW LOVES TO JOIN IN AND HELP HER IVE LEARNED ALOT COPS ARE MY ENEMY THE COURTS ARE MY ENEMY AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ABUSE JUST YOU ARE GIVING THE COPS A REASON TO GET YA DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT LIKE TO WAKE TO YOUR HEAD BEING BEAT IN YOU HIT BACK BEFORE YOU KNOW WHAT GOING ON AND BY TELLING THE COPS THEY WRONG TO ARREST ME THEY THROW ME INTO THERE COP CAR BREAKING THERE WINDOW AND DENTING THERE DOOR AND THE ONLY WAY TO FIGHT BACK IS PLEADING GUILTY OF HITTING HER BACK AND GET A CRIMINAL RECORD I GUESS RAPE NOT JUST A PHYSICAL THING CAUSE THAT HOW I FEEL NOW I JUST WISH I DID ABUSE HER I LOVE YOU BABY GIRLS ILL SEE YOU SOMEDAY I GOT THE COURT VIDEO SHOWING THAT YOUR MOM WAS THE ABUSIVE ONE

My new partner was a male victim of a controlling wife but no violence. Being a victim too, the signs were all there but he shuts it all away. After living together since March 2009, in a new house, there was no visible signs he lived there. When i asked him "Could he see he lived here", he broke down.<br />
He has come to realize just how much control she had, he feels he has been robbed of 28 years of his life. Its not always easy to recognize the affect, until there not there and yes most men are macho about it.<br />
I'm glad your in a better place, good luck.

I am glad that you found someone you love and that she loves you. I have heard of men being abused, some more when they are younger. I did jump on my child's father. He's 6'9 over 300lbs, solid, when I snapped, I literally that I was hitting the walls with my fist that was how solid he was. I ended up busting my knuckles and I didn't realize it until maybe 3 hours later. I was that upset. I got tired of the name calling and the disrespect. I was tired of him treating me like I was nothing when I did everything he asked and loved him and still do. God was with me because he started choking me. I was literally in blind rage and I couldn't feel a thing. I was still attacking him to the point he couldn't do anything but lean back as far as he could and keep me from kicking in his nuts! I called the police and I ended up be cuffed. He drop the charges right then and there. He was trying to act like I just hurt him so bad. AND I DID! He then called three of my closet relatives and told them how much he loved me. He kept saying how much he loved me when the police was there. BULL DONKEYNESS! Now he is the father of my son and after whipping his butt he has not ever disrespect me! I use to be the girl that sit back and let people treat me like dirt and not say a THING! Now I am horrible, my temper gets so bad I start trembling, and by then you bet not say anything disrespectful. Its like all those years of abuse made me so intolerant to it you better get the hell out my face. My child's father wouldn't let me do anything on my own. When I used the phone sometimes he would dial the number or stand over me...all up in my conversation. It was a mess. I love that man, I can't lie, this man makes me melt...and he is such an awesome person. I at least know what he is dealing with and it makes no excuse. lol...my son will never know this story

behind ..every man that says he has a possesive woman checking up on him all the time etc .. that does not trust him .. believe you me ... there is prob a VERY good reason for that. any man that sits around trying to convince others that he is totally innocent and has a woman that just doesnt trust him ... believe me ... there have been things this man has done in the past prob many things that makes this woman feel that she cannot trust him .. he prob only lies to her .. and tried and makes her look like she is crazy to others ... when he is the crazy one ... i have seen this all but too often ...

I'm sorry that's not true... Just cause a woman checks up on him doesn't mean he is a liar.. I have seen women be that consumed that controlling and that obsessive . It's sick.. You don't know what he went through and I think the fact you are accusing him if hiding something or being a liar is discusting

I know what you mean

I totally agree with you, anadude!

Glad you posted your experience. As for why other men don't speak up: what motivation does a guy have to explain his past when he knows it will only discredit himself in the eyes of his peers? Most guys just try to deal, brush it off, and if they ever get free of it they'll leave it in the past and never look back. We have a tough culture where men can't ever be the victim, even when they are. We need to stop trying to pretend we're superman and start allowing men to be human instead.

It's so awesome that you posted this story, Aether. It's terrifying when anyone can get under your skin and make you believe less about yourself. Getting out can be as much a battle against yourself as it is with them. Thanks for sharing.

male domestic abuse is no different from female abuse<br />
it just hasnt been documented as much,,,,<br />
but iam sure the pain is the same and the emotional scars<br />
take much longer to heal,,,,,nice to meet another surviver.

I have worked with spousal abuse for about 20 yrs at first it was female but then males coming forward was increasing,At moment not woreking in this line but have friends who are and its becoming more commen in UK for children/teenagers to abuse parents especially single more oftern thier mums this is getting out of hand.Hope to start working with teenagers as soon as CRB check and references clear me to.

Police can be jerks. I think a lot of times, though some may consider it a double standard, women can get away with something like slapping their husband or boyfriend as hard they can because many times it doesn't leave any damage, whereas if a man slapped a woman as hard as he could it could have enough force to knock her down and cause an injury. But when weapons come into play a woman can probably do near much the same damage as a man.

There once was a documentary on German telly about that issue, all the men were ashamed to tell about, all faces were blurred. It makes me so angry that it's hard for men, to get help in such a situation.

Well I posted a brief story of my last experience, you're not the only one and as far as the police go... I had an incident with them in the past also when I was a adolesence and decided enough was enough with my fathers unfair beattings and tried to call the cops. My dad said the marks were all self inflicted and the cops believed him right off the bat befor even speaking to me then scolded me for waisting their time and told me to mind my father...

Although approximately 90-95% of victims of abuse are women, men can also be victims of domestic violence. Society is just beginning to acknowledge that the violence happens, however because men are supposed to be physically stronger, then many times the abuse is not accepted. People in same-sex relationships have as much a chance of being abused as those in opposite sex relationship. The problem is not a persons gender or sexua l orientation, it is the "acceptance" of the abuse. Until it is no longer acceptable, it will continue.<br />
I am sorry you went through what you went through, am glad you got away and have a happy relationship.

I believe that abuse from woman to man is more common than is talked about, however, it, as in your case, is not accepted by police in many events. I witnessed a man who was beaten and scratched by his wife, just take it from her until she calmed down. He never hit her back. He stopped me from calling the police. He told me afterwards that the cops would never believe him, or arrest her; it had happened before.<br />
<br />
You handled it well, leaving as you did and going on to make a good life for yourself, and not being in contact with her. Abuse is ugly, and the only real solution is to leave.

Wow...knocked unconscious and somehow you need to do a better job...no wonder men rarely report abuse...My husband had similar experiences with his first wife...all these years later, she is still crazy...Thanks for sharing this...SS

Abuse is abuse whatever the sex of the perpetrator. I hope that you can find a woman to love that will appreciate you for the man you are. The police's reaction was not correct. If you have been brought up to treat women well - what are you suppose to do about an abusive spouse? Hit them? Well done for getting out.

Thank you for sharing your story -- Its really sad that the police wouldn't even help. <br />
I am sure there are other men who have been or are where you were, but don't speak up. At my first job as a photographer, I saw many verbally abusive female customers treating their husbands like cr*p. I was really surprised to see a man so beat down... :(

Any clue how she became like that???

Okay, I would like to say, that most women are not like that, anymore than men who do that..and I was with one, he was nuts like that, and I never once threw a thing..and I also did not argue, and he wasnt a drinker either which often times is a big problem when a man drinks, they dont know how they act...at times..anyway..that caused problems..sometimes in some peoples lives, but either way, you do deserve sympathy and I guess there are women who get violent, but being as peaceful as I am, I dont like arguing either...dont ever let that make you believe there are not women who dont do that..anymoer than there are guys who wont bruise up a woman, knowing she has no way to defend herself cept hide...or cry..or run...so hugs:) I would like to add, that is not a frequent thing, my Uncle is a Captain with a local dept, and most of the times, just so you know its not women making things up...he sees what men do to them, they usualy are smaller, and they usually are beaten pretty bad, sometimes along with the kids, however Im sure that when it happens to a ..man, its just as horrible.

Wow, that's horrifying! I am glad you are in a better place away from a terrorizing spouse. It's probably true that there are fewer cases of physical violence by a woman to a man, but there are certainly plenty of mental abuse that goes on by either sex. Check out the "I have a high maintenance girlfriend" group. ;)