I Am A Survivor!

As of November 12 of this year, I am no longer with my bi-polar fiance. I finally had enough with the year long roller coaster. I was unhappy for a while. The final straw was that he accused me of cheating. I volunteer once a week with a local elementary school to help tutor students in a third grade class there. A program that I was introduced to me by my church. He claimed that when I came home on Thursday of that week, I smelled like men's cologne?  I did not smell the same, even though I had just exited the shower and didn't explain that I was using a new soap.  But that day I had a lot on my mind. I was supposed to go to my great uncle's funeral the next day, and his viewing that night. He had informed me the night before that he was not comfortable attending the funeral, who does really? So, I was disappointed in him.  And I was being stand offish, so I was told later that was one of his clues that I was cheating. He was abusive many times before, but this was the defining moment when I knew that this situation was not going to get any better for me. He told me that he needed to speak with me, so I walked into the garage. He closed the door so I was locked in there. He starting accusing me of cheating, which I vehemently denied. Why would I be that stupid? First of all I do not have any time to cheat, but most of all why would I cheat on a jealous, angry, paranoid, and mentally ill man? He became more angry claiming because I was mad as well then I was guilty. I tried to walk away , so I could try and avoid it escalating by trying to remove myself from the garage. He pulled me by my hair and twisted my head around. He began to slap me. In fact, several times as hard as he could on my face when I begin to cry out loud and panic because I was trapped. No matter what I said, set him off further. I was angry, mostly because I was scared and that he would'nt  let me out. I can be claustrophobic at times.

I fought as he continued to hit me. I didn't  always stand there and take it. I always tried to fight, and he would turn on me and say he was the victim. And if I called the cops, then I would go to jail too. I believed him, unfortunately. I am a pretty big girl, but he was 6' 5" 320 lbs! As I struggled to find the button, or a way out. I began to scream thinking someone could hear me outside. He started hitting me with his fist complete with a studded ring on the top of my head ,so many times that I lost count. I am surprised that I did not get a concussion, or black out.
He picked up a hammer and a pellet gun and aimed it at me. He also picked up a blow torch, and told me he was going to burn down the garage. He was crying and telling me that I was not allowed to leave him, and that we would die together. As I bit his chest, kicked him,and slapped him to get him away from me, as he held me and crushed my ribs, I cried out to God inside my head. "Please God help me, I am so scared." I was so tired of getting hurt. When we were together I had suffered multiple concussions from him headbutting me, bruises from his bites, he choked, kicked me, and shoved me. You name it, he did it. But this time I was fed up with being hurt, I truly thought that I was not going to leave that garage alive. I finally let go, and knew God would protect me. I am alive today, because I am supposed to be alive. I also think because I was living with my mother at the time, it helped the situation. I really am not sure if I was alone with him, truly if I had not suffered worse. After I calmed down, he let go. I threw him out of my house. I managed to escape that night with some contusions to my face, body, head, and some bite marks. By the grace of God, I should have been more injured, or in a hospital bed.

He still claims that he blacks out, and does not remember everything that happened. But the point is this, he still refuses medication and thinks that I NEED COUNSELING for my ANGER issues!!  I guess I should have stood there and not tried to fight back, right!? Bottom Line is this ladies: DO NOT put up with the trauma of physical, emotional, or mental abuse. If he does not love himself enough, or you to seek help for the benefit of his life and your relationship. LET HIM GO! Your life is too precious to waste and you deserve better. I know I do. I still worry about him, and if he decides to end his life one day. I still talk to him briefly on the phone because of his debt that I have inherited :( and he still manages to worm his way sometimes in my head, because I seem to be the only one that cares that he lives or dies. But, now I know I deserve something more. But I did all I could do, I loved him in spite of it all. But I realize that he did not want to be rescued from his past. He is still content being an angry, scared little boy with a very checkered past. I forgave him in spite of all and pray for him everyday. Before this event, we had another argument and that night I asked God to take him away, because I didn't know at that time if I had the courage to do it myself. I just wished it would have been easier, but with a violent man I knew it was going to be ugly when I finally put my hands up.

I pray for those that are being abused, and continue to  make excuses for their mates' violent behavior. I love you all my sisters and brothers, and that you can break free and YOU WILL SURVIVE! I am not saying that I do not have bad days. I have nightmare sometimes still. I have been having more bad days than good here lately, but the holidays have been rough! But I know deep down, I am better off. I pray for courage to face another day, and not let my wounds define who I am. An intelligent, strong, beautiful woman who will make the right man a great partner. But with time and therapy and God's will, I think anything is possible!!!
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4 Responses Dec 31, 2010

that is what the ball kick is for ...

First of all I do not have any time to cheat, but most of all why would I cheat on a jealous, angry, paranoid, and mentally ill man? - <br />
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I hear you sister!! I have been free for 2 years :) what is amazing is that the violent person thinks they are so unique, yet we hear the same thing time and time again from others who share the same and simular experience, the paranoia, acusations of cheating and so forth.<br />
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I understand the nightmares, it is fear because these types of men install it slowly but surely. For me I refuse to spend my life cowering anymore, life is too short.. hugs 4 u

u well have some bad days mixed with good n i time u will heal stay strong is the key hun ur very strong uve been through the worse keeping a positive outlook is diffently way to heal quicker hun keeping faith in the good lord diffently helps u through the bad days , Hun u have courage u got out the hardest parts over now its healing time not saying its easy but in do time u see he cant hurt u any longer and see ur nightmares began to fade away u have contral hun dont every for get that u have the power to heal

Hugs to you, stay strong. I am adding you to my prayer list.