Is It Love Or Just Routine?

I met the love of my life, or so I think, 7 years ago. We talked almost every night and we fell in love with each other over the phone. We were both teenagers. He lived in Minnesota and I lived in Illinois and he would drive every weekend to come and see me. We were madly in love. Having lived a very sheltered life, when it was time to go to college, I wanted to go to Minnesota to be near him and to study there. Mostly though, to be with who I thought would be my happiness. My parents knew him and they believed that he was trouble. The could tell because my father had confrontation with him once. I enrolled in school but decided that it would be best if I moved to an apartment where I could see my boyfriend. My parents had no idea about this but they knew I was responsible and trusted me. I moved to an apartment and within 3 months of living in Minnesota, he began hitting me. Choking, hitting, forced sex, arguements over jealousy, over not saying where, and when and what time. I decided that moving to Minnesota may have not been a good idea after all. But after telling him that I wanted to move back and that this was not the life I had planned for myself, he said he wanted me to calm down and go to his parents house. I did. We wanted to touch me forcefully and thats when it all began. Another heated discussion with kicking down the stairs, calls to my father to tell him to come and get me. I spoke with my father that day. "What's going on. Why is he there? What are you doing." "Nothing daddy. Everything is fine. We are just having a discussion, but everything is alright daddy," I responded. My father did not like him because of the scene he had created back home. He did not want me moving to Minnesota because he knew he would be there. But I refused to accept any advice and decided to follow my heart. With a heavy heart from leaving my family but with a glimmer of hope that I was doing the right thing, I drove to Minnesota as my little brother begged me not to leave. I drove off and never looked back. I didn't look back because all my life I was expected to be perfect. I was expected to not make mistakes. I knew that if I moved, I would not come back home with my head looking down. If I came home, I would come home with happiness, joy, and success. Unfortunately, the guy I believed I would marry, the man of my life, the man I loved, turned out to be a violent and controlling man who did not allow me to just be myself. Everything I did seemed wrong and if I talked to any friends (guy friends) from back home, or if anyone called me, I would be called names.
That night in his parents' home was a nightmare. I was punched, kicked, thrown down a flight of stairs, and almost was forced to swallow a bottle of pills. I ran to the bathroom and cut my fingers to blood would drain into a toilet paper. I passed it under the door and he thought I'd hurt myself. The police arrived and saw all he had done to me and took him into custody. After that, I went blank. His parents took him out of jail and the next morning, he apologized and I forgave him. But ever since then, I never really truly forgave. I never forgot and I never forgave because I bottled that resentment in me for over 7 years.
I still thought we were in love. My parents had no idea he was my boyfriend and he used that against me because I couldn't count on anyone to tell them what was happening. I couldn't tell my parents because they would realize I had betrayed their trust. I was not going to school and I was dealing with domestic violence. He knew I couldn't tell my parents for fear of my father's reaction. I would not and could not bear to have my father angry with me. So I dealt with this for the next 7 years. Eventually they found out we were together but they never knew he hit me. It took a lot of convincing to have my father accept him by telling him that he was a changed man. I just wanted all of us to get along and I wanted to be happy.
Going to Illinois to visit family was a time to forget. However, it was pure torture before I had to leave Minnesota because me leaving would mean a huge fight and being called names of who I was going to meet over there and why did I want to go. Before my parents knew, he would blackmail me into going home early otherwise he would tell my parents he was with me. At the time, I could not deal with that because they had told me numerous times, that he was not wanted anymore.
Within 2 years of me moving, we bought a home where the abuse continued. But the adrenaline rush of fighting and then the good times, the ups and downs became a habit. They became normal. A huge fight one night, but then next night everything was fine. Hatred and disgust one night, and love and passion the next. The abuse continued for 4 years in that home, and one more police call was made. House arrest and still living together. Then again, torn ligaments, twisted necks, hospital visits.... but I was much too embarrassed to call the police. What would they think? This girl doesn't do anything to change it. This is absurd. No, no more police calls.
After 7 years, it all caught up with him because a third call was made and he was sent to jail for 5 months. In jail, even with the restraining order I had put to protect myself, I still talked to him. I was not afraid much of the hitting anymore. I was afraid of being alone. Today, we are at the point where we have a business together. He is still in my life and he promises that he has learned his lesson. We are no longer teenagers. We are not longer those kids in love. But we still fight and we still argue. I still love him? I don't know. I enjoy his company when we are good? Yes. perhaps it reminds me of the good times we had. Perhaps I am still entangled in his promises as I was when I a child. Perhaps I still look forwards to the life we thought we would have together. I don't know. But I do know that the past will not just disappear and I cannot just forgive and forget 7 years of my life. Am I selfish for not leaving him everything and moving back home? Am I selfish for not leaving HIM alone as his parents may think? I don't know anymore. I don't know. Where do I go from here? Where do I turn to now? I am more lost than I was 7 years ago. Back then, I knew what I wanted. Now, I am not so sure. I know I want to be happy... but I don't know if it is with him. My parents don't want him back now they know what he did. And his parents are angry with me because they think I am to blame. There is much more resentment now and I don't know what to do anymore.
DolphinsOCC18 DolphinsOCC18
2 Responses May 5, 2011

Family violence is on the rise and Mental Illness has been proven to be at the root of it. So all those who have experienced and think that a solution has been found ,think again. Assessment from a Professional Psychological/Psychiatric body is a must to get around all situations of Family Violence. Police and Government have stepped up funding to enable some immediate intervention and long term rehab for perpetrators . So stay in touch with your GP and the Police for help when needed ,not just to intervene,but arrange for victims to be temporarily comforted.

i know what your going thru if you read my story but to be honest if my x wantted me back i would know tho that i know he isnt the one for me if he laid his hands on you and did all that an your parents dont even treat you the way he does why are you going to lower your self respect towards you an allow the hitting i know it may have been a while ago but im sorry to say it will never change mayb for a while but it wont you deserve to have a REAL relationship with a guy that will cherish you and never treat you the way your used to be treated dont give up im not you dont even have to be with him whats wrong with being single so you can have time for yourself start doing things for you not him be a bigger person and walk away your not a teenager anymore you said so make a adult decision and walk away from it your old enough to know thats what he did is wrong and alwyas will be wrong its not right even after 7 years so why should it be right now?... i hope you really take this into consideration