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Past Abuse Effects The Present

Hi Everyone,

My name is Ruby. I was in a sexually abusive relationship about 6 years ago which lasted only nine months. However, it did more damage than I really thought. C. was an escape for me while my mother was dying of cancer. I dropped out of school and took an FMLA leave from work (which I do not regret) to be with her so that she didn't have to die in a hospital or nursing home. I met C. at school and whenever I had free time, I would spend it with him. He knew my situation and he took advantage of it. We slept together the first time we went out. After that, he would "suggest" things, and if I didn't go along with them, he would call me names, hit me, or do it anyway.

It sounds so stupid now that I put up with it, but I wasn't in my right mind then and there were other mental health issues that I was dealing with which fed into everything. It was a train wreck. I got out because my OB-GYN noticed the bruising and other things, and she told me that if I didn't make a police report, then she would have to by law. So, I made an anonymous report. As anonymous as it could be - he called me and left a voicemail (because I didn't pick up) that he was glad my mother was dying because I deserved it. And then that was it.

But what sucks is that after that, I didn't care who I slept with or when or why or what drugs I did because I didn't think I really mattered. I felt damaged and worthless. And even now, I am married, and sex is a scary thing for me. I've been married for 4 years, and I just feel like I don't even want to "go there" anymore. It's affecting my marriage, and I really don't know what to do. I finally told my husband just a month ago about C. He is very supportive, but frustrated, which I understand. We are seeking a marriage counsellor and I hope it will help.

Thank you for reading.
RubyInTheSkyWithCheetos RubyInTheSkyWithCheetos 31-35, F 5 Responses Jul 27, 2011

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You are strong. I hope that your husband supports you through this process and that everything works out well for u.

You are strong. I hope that your husband supports you through this process and that everything works out well for u.

Hi Ruby,<br />
<br />
to my experience it is a thing of the past and the same time it's not, because it's interfering to your present life.<br />
A marriage counselor or a coach could help. <br />
My advice,<br />
don't avoid the emotions coming up. The biggest problem with the things of the past is when we resist them. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and don't fight it. Discuss it with your husband, not as a story of the past but as a feeling. <br />
It's ok to feel bad for what happened and it's also ok to be free of it.

I was in an abusive relationship many years ago and it still affects my thinking - though this can be a good thing as it helps me relate to others like you and to avoid making the same mistakes again. Just accept that you weren't rational at the time and try to move forward. Don't beat yourself up as self-esteem is usually damaged enough after a bad relationship. I think counseling is a great thing - give it your best and it should really pay off.

I'm sorry that you had to go though that, Ruby. It is a horrible thing when people take advantage of situations such as this. <br />
<br />
It helps to get it out in the open though, that is when the real healing begins. I'm happy that you found a supportive man that is willing to go through this with you and see a counselor, they can help a great deal. Marji is right, it is a slow process, but in the end i found it worthwhile. Good luck to you.