Would Really Appreciate Some Advice

I would really appreciate somebody's help, I am so worried and do not know what to do. I was in a very abusive relationship for almost five years. It did not start out that way but it just escalated over the years until it came to the point where he was raping me, keeping me locked in his flat constantly and putting pillows over my face saying he was going to kill me and there was a few times I thought he would. I would sit there in his flat, totally broken down just thinking to myself "one day this man is going to kill me." The only short breaks I got over the years was when he would get sent to prison. This was normally only for a couple of months and then he would be out and it would all start again. This second last time he was sent to prison I met somebody else, fell in love with him and we began a relationship. I told my ex that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore and that I was seeing someone else. This would have been pretty new to him because I had told him that I never wanted anything to do with him about 1000 times in the past and had always gone back, but I had never met anybody else before. He stopped contacting me from prison and I actually started to rebuild my life. My new partner helped me with a lot of issues I was having and I was actually starting to feel happy again. I was rebuilding relationships with my family and friends, had somebody I was in love with who was helping push me to do these things and wanted to build me up instead of break me down. Then my ex got out of prison. He managed to destroy everything I had worked for and more in 22 days. Within 16 days I had gone from sitting with my new partner having lovely romantic meals and being really happy to sitting in a police station after being attacked more times than I could count, plus being told I was the most high risk person on there database. He just manged to destroy everything. My partner left me because it just got all too messed up for him and he didn't fully trust that I wouldn't go runninig back to this man like I had done countless times in the past. I was in bits and missed him so much! Then I did the most stupid thing possible, I spoke to my abusive ex-partner and ended up letting him play his mind games and ended up right back into that situation again. Things were worse this time than ever before. I really thought he was going to kill me (he almost did) and it got so bad I actually got to the point where I wished he would just hurry up and get it over with. I missed the man I had fallen in love with so much but he didn't want to speak to me and  probably felt as though I had chosen my abusive partner over him but that wasn't what was happening, I wanted out so bad I just didnt have the strength to do it. I guess I might have just stayed there because in a really crazy messed up way it was actually easier to just make myself numb and shut off to what was happening than trying to build up all the strength that was needed to get out of something like that. Things just felt impossible when you're completely broken down already. All of this went on for 22 days until he finally slipped up. He did something to me in the city centre, in front of witnesses. He was then arrested in the city center and taken back to prison for a four month sentence (so he will serve two!)  I again started trying to rebuild my life but I think it affected me a so much more this time. It has now been just over a month since this happened. I am now back in a relationship with the man I am in love with and things have started to get better again, even though my head is still a bit messed up. Now though he will be getting out again in just under a month and no suprise I am dreading it. So is my partner. He is driving himself crazy thinking about it all the time, worrying that I might run off back to him or he might end up in a situation where he has to protect me and he ends up getting himself in trouble. I feel so bad dragging other people into this horrible situation I feel like iv created. My partner and quite a few other people want me to go to the police and give a statement or a couple of statements to try and get him put away for longer. I said it was going to do this but I am just petrified and really don't know if I can anymore. I keep trying to be brave and get myself to do it but every time I even really consider it in my head I feel sick to my stomach with fear. I can't say to anyone, not my partner, friends or family what he has done to me. I can't even say the words out loud to myself. If I can't do that how am I supposed to go through it in great detail to a police officer? Or ever worse, have to say it in a court room full of people and then be cross examined on it. I just don't know what to do. I just really don't know what to do. I just really don't think that I can go through with that but then I risk losing everything in my life that I care about, or even losing my life itself. I really would really appreciate any advice from someone that has been through anything similar or someone that can make more sense of this than I can right now... Thank you.
stephy171072 stephy171072
May 6, 2012